The Foolish Dictionary<br />An exhausting work of reference to un-certain English words, their origi by Gideon Wurdz (best books to read for knowledge .TXT) 📗
- Author: Gideon Wurdz
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BRAND Something carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside of a long, black bottle.
BRASS BAND A clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for holding a crowd together.
BRICK An admirable person made of the right sort of clay and possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before you go to the wall—but never afterward.
BRIMSTONE A little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the hereafter.
BREVITY A desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but not in the fireworks.
BROKE A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too much bent on speculating.
BUM A fallen tough.
BUMP A tough fall.
BUNCO The art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.
BY-STANDER One who is injured in a street fight.
People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket—try an incubator.
CAB Affair for a drive.
CABBY Driver for a fare.
CACHINNATION
The hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.
CADDIE A small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself.
CAFE A place where the public pays the proprietor for the privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat.
CAJOLE v. t., From Grk. kalos, beautiful, and Eng. jolly, to jolly beautifully.
CALCIUM An earthly light that brightens even the stars.
CANNIBAL A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other people.
CAPTIVATE From Lat. caput, head, and Eng. vacate, or empty,—to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated men.
CAPE A neck in the sea.
CAPER A foot in the air.
CARNEGIE-ITIS
A mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast furnace, developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in American public libraries.
CART v. t., To take off.
CARTOON The take-off.
CAULIFLOWER A Cabbage with a college education.
CAVALRY That arm of the military service that engages in the real hoss-tilities.
CEMETERY The one place where princes and paupers, porters and presidents are finally on the dead level.
CHAMPAGNE The stuff that makes the world go round.
CHAIR Four-legged aid to the injured.
CHARITY Forehanded aid to the indigent.
CHAUFFEUR A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.
CHRISTIAN A member of any orthodox church.
CHRISTMAS A widely observed holiday on which the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present.
CHUMP Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours.
CIGARETTE A weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled, and still more insist should never be exhaled.
CINDER One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.
CIVILIZATION An upward growth or tendency that has enabled mankind to develop the college yell from what was once only a feeble war-whoop.
COLLECTOR A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.
COLLEGE From Fr. colle, pasted or stuck, and etude, study. A place where everyone is stuck on study. (?)
COLONEL
A male resident of Kentucky.
See KERNEL.
COMPLIMENT v. t., From Eng. con,—hot air, and Lat. pleo, to fill. Hence, to fill with hot air.
COMPLEXION Color for the face. From Eng. complex, difficult, and shun, to avoid. To avoid difficulty, buy it of the druggist.
COMMENDATION From Eng. con, a josh, and mend, to fix up. Hence, a fixed-up josh.
CONDUCTOR From Eng. coin, and Lat. duco, to command. One who commands the coin.
CONSCIENCE The fear of being found out.
COOK A charitable institution, providing food and shelter for Policemen.
CORPS A big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. cores found in apples and corps found in arms).
CORSET From Fr. corps, shape, and sec, rough. Rough on the shape.
COSMETIC A new face-maker. From Grk. kosmos, order, and Eng. medic, or doctor,—ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.)
COT A snooze for one.
COTILLON A dance for eight.
CREDIT Something for nothing.
CREDITOR Something with nothing.
CREDULITY A feminine virtue and a masculine vice.
CREMATION A means of disposing of the dead likely to become very popular, especially with women who are so fond of having the last retort.
CRITIC A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.
CROOK One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave. A Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way.
CROW A bird that never complains without caws.
CULTURE A degree of mental development that produces tailor-made women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses.
CUPID A driver of sharp darts.
CUPIDITY A driver of sharp deals.
CYNIC A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One.
Out of fight, out of coin.—The Pugilist's Plaint.
DABBLE v. t., To play in water.
DABBLE IN STOCKS—Same thing.
DACHSHUND A low-down dog.
DANCE A brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus.
DATES A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on the leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which are often associated).
DEAD Without life. See Boston.
DEADER Pompeii.
DEADEST Philadelphia.
DEADBEAT One who makes a soft living by sponging it.
DEBT A big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more it is contracted.
DEE-LIGHTED
An Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted.
(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4, 1905, the exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent editions of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at length).
DELEGATE From Eng. dally, to loaf, and Fr. gate, spoiled. A spoiled loafer.
DEMAGOGUE From Grk. demos, people, and Eng. gag. One who gags the people.
DEMOCRACY A mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.
DEN A cavity.
DENT To punch.
DENTIST One who punches the face and fills cavities.
DEUCE An honest card, in fact the only one that is never known to beat tray.
DEVIL
An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged to Mary McLane.
DIAMOND A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it.
DIARY An honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad give-away.
DIGNITY A narrow, unstable bearing which mental spindle-shanks try to stand upon when they have no other support.
DICKENS An author; polite term for the devil.
DIE An effect.
DIET Frequently a cause.
DIMPLE A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's smile.
DIPLOMAT An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a rubber neck.
DISCOUNT Something often sold in place of goods.
DISCRETION An instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large, strong one.
DIVE A gambler's retreat.
DIVIDENDS A gambler's reward.
DIVORCE Nominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.
DOCK A place for laying up.
DOCTOR One who lays you up.
DREAM What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries.
DRAFT (DRAUGHT) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.
DROP-STITCH A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.
DRUM Something noisy, and made to beat.
DRUMMER Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk. drimus, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always carries its point and sticks whoever it can.
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
DYNAMITE
The peroration of an anarchist's argument.
DYSPEPSIA A good foundation for a bad temper.
Out of sight, only in mind.—Ballad of the Blind Beggar.
A word to the wise is useless.
EAGLE The national bird of a Christian country; (the United States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.
EARL A title of nobility.
EARLY A title of stupidity. See old saw,
"Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes a man a farmer!"
EARTH
A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.
ECHO The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.
ECONOMY Denying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a luxury to-morrow.
EGG
A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken. Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad acting.
ELECTION
A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths, where the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects whatever it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their mark and even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and everything is full—particularly the lodging-houses.
ENCORE A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his money's worth. From the Fr. en, among, and cochon, pig,—common among pigs.
ENGAGEMENT In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that precedes the real hostilities.
ENTHUSIAST One who preaches four times as much as he believes and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.
EPITAPH A statement that usually lies above about the one who lies beneath.
EQUATOR
An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P. Morgan.
ERR To make a mistake.
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