The Foolish Dictionary<br />An exhausting work of reference to un-certain English words, their origi by Gideon Wurdz (best books to read for knowledge .TXT) 📗
- Author: Gideon Wurdz
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REGRETS An excuse for non-attendance at a social function. Occasionally, an expression of sorrow; usually, a paean of praise at deliverance from evil.
RELATIONS A tedious pack of people who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
RELIGION A cloak used by some persons in this world who will be warm enough without one in the next.
R.E. MORSE A veteran General who commands the largest army in the world.
REPARTEE The sassy habit of talking back.
REPUTATION A personal possession, frequently not discovered until lost.
RESIDENCE A rural locality inhabited annually—for a few hours—by a rich New Yorker or Bostonian.
RESOLUTION A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day of January and usually broken on the second.
RESORT (SUMMER) A place where the tired grow more tired. From Eng. rest, and Grk. orizo, to limit. A place where rest is limited.
REST A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for life.
RESTAURANT An institution for the spread of dyspepsia. From Lat. restauro, to repair, and Grk. anti, against. After patronizing, you're "up against repairs."
RHETORIC Language in a dress suit.
RICE An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen or the newly-married.
ROQUEFORT A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the first rank.
ROYCROFTER A successful book-maker on the East Aurora turf. From Fr. roi, king, and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of Grafters.
RUMOR The long-distance champion of the Human Race—a monster with more tales than an octopus.
RUST Physical dullness.
RUSTIC Mental dullness.
Beggars should never be choosers—though the beggar often chews what he begs.
A miss is as good as her smile.
SADDUCEE A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless, hence sad you see.
SAILOR A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on shore.
SANDWICH An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.
SAUSAGE An aftermath of the dog-days.
SCAFFOLD A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.
SCARECROW An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws.
SCORCHER A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.
SCULPTOR A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.
SELF-MADE Complimentary term for a respectable crook.
SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time winner as an "ad." for tea—and Sir T.
SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for a living.
SHIRT Every man's bosom friend.
SILVER A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential impossibilities.
SINNER A stupid person who gets found out.
SNAP A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to take the cake.
SNORE An unfavorable report from headquarters.
SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated grounds.
SPAGHETTI A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From Lat. spadix, branch, or fork, and gestamen, burden. A burden for the fork.
SPIDER A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line by every post.
STARS The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens for ages.
STAYS A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women.
STOCKINGS Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.
STOCKS An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation.
STOVE-PIPE
A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and profanity.
SPRING Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.
SPINSTER An ember from which the sparks have flown.
SUBWAY In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law, and the entry-fee is five cents.
SUCCESS A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching for a larger target.
SUMMER An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and the Iceman.
SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily, operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always has a shine.
SYMPATHY
Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.
SYNDICATE A conspiracy to extend the modest business established by Captain Kidd.
Fortune knocks only once at a man's door—And she's the worst Knocker in the world.
Brevity is the soul of wit—and the sole charm of of a bicycle skirt.
TAILOR One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a fit, sews you up and follows suit until paid.
TALK A continuous performance playing daily and nightly engagements, with Woman as the star and Man confined in the Family Circle.
TELEGRAM
A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and carried by a boy in sleep.
TELEPHONE From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk. phonos, murder. A machine in which talk is murdered.
TENNIS A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the side and raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive them from set to set and love scores as often as it's mentioned.
TEMPER A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp.
THERMOMETER
A short, glass tube that regulates the weather—and usually does a poor job.
THIRST A sensation immediately following a short session at the free lunch stand.
TIDE An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in whenever he gets over the bay.
TITIAN The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as soon as her father strikes oil.
TIPS Wages we pay other people's hired help.
TOBACCO A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two creatures; a large, green worm and—man. The worm doesn't know any better.
TONGUE An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an artist who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among women.
TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.
TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able to carry a heavy man several miles.
TROLLEY-CAR A conveyance filled with advertisements, and occasionally passengers, and operated by Poles.
TROUBLE Something that many are looking for but no one wants.
TRUST A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.
TWINS Insult added to Injury.
TWISTERS
An undesirable thing to have on hand.
It's a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.
There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to Fortune—But most of us catch our watered stock on the ebb.
UMBRELLA A good thing to put up in a shower—or pawn-shop; but, like skating, never seen after Lent.
UNBOSOMED
A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.
UNION An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and liable to strike without warning.
UMPIRE No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.
USHER One who takes a leading part in a theatre.
VACCINATION Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.
VAUDEVILLE From Lat. vaut, good for, and villageois, countryman. Good for countrymen.
VERANDA
An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.
VEST A waistcoat sold at halfprice.
VIRTUE A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but rarely with beauty.
VULGARITY The conduct of others.
A rolling stone gathers no moss—except at roulette.
But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.
WAITER An Inn-experienced servant.
WAR A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a small way, would produce only murderers.
WATER A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak buyers.
WEDDING A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and the groom is often sold.
WEEDS Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry the widow.
WICKEDNESS A myth invented by good people to account for the singular attractiveness of others.
WIDOW The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.
WHISKY Trouble put up in liquid form.
WIND An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral agitation of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold), impelled into transitory activity, generates a prolonged passage through space, owing to certain occult ethereal stimuli, and results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs, blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons. Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with Chicago tongue—canned or conversational.
WOMAN An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still slightly flattened at the polls.
WORD Something you must keep after giving it to another.
WORRY A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every time the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.
WRINKLES A merchant's trade-marks.
It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.
A Ride goeth before a Fall.—
See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart.
X RAYS
Ten dollars from a friend.
YARN An essential in fabrication—either woven or narrated. Mill yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.
YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never a cat-boat.
YAWNS The air-breaks on a sleeper.
YEAR A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the other 40 are Lent.
YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.
YOLK The
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