Petite Confessions - Vicki Lesage (read dune .txt) 📗

  10 Ways Living in Paris Is Like Dental Work

 

Movies and books tend to paint Paris as a lovely tableau of historical monuments, aromatic wine, and romantic scenery. The City of Light is full of life and love. It’s a dream come true.

Until those few snarky commentaries slip through and show us what it’s really like to live in the French capital.

Overall, living in Paris is worth it, despite the infuriating government workers and the Métro smelling like urine.

I’ve lived in Paris for over 10 years. And I’ve had extensive dental work—pulled 13 baby teeth, replaced my two front teeth twice, suffered through root canals, and donned braces, appliances, and pretty much every other dental gadget that exists.

So if anyone can bring these two topics together into the world’s weirdest list, it’s me.

Without further ado, here is a comparison between real life in Paris and dental work:

 

1. It’s Expensive

 

Paris: A 30-square-meter (323 square feet) apartment will set us back at least €1,000 per month ($1,350). We’ll consider ourselves lucky if the bathroom is in the apartment (as opposed to the hallway of the building) and we have a functioning stove.

 

Dental Work: Routine check-ups are affordable, but as soon as we start filling cavities, making crowns, and having root canals, we’re quickly in the thousands. And when we submit our insurance claims, we hear silence, except for a few crickets chirping in the distance.

 

2. It’s Frustrating

 

Paris: We arrive at our visa renewal appointment with all 10 items specified on the Official Visa Renewal Documentation List, only to be met with “What about [item that wasn’t on the list]? Pfff. Come back when you’re prepared.” You mean, come back when we’ve learned how to read minds? So now we have to file for an extension and suffer through another appointment.

 

Dental Work: “So how was your vacation?” “Garg… fleurg.” “Please hold your mouth still while I’m doing this.” Then why did you ask, nimwit?

 

3. It Hurts

 

Paris: We attempt to pay for a €12 taxi ride with a €20 bill, only to have the cabbie launch into a tirade about how “you people” never have change and “you people” always expect him to make change. It’s not like “we people” flagged him down in the street and asked him for change for a vending machine. “We people” are paying for a service rendered and are rightfully expecting change. Why is he yelling at us?

Dental Work: Fewer drills were used to build the Eiffel Tower than the dentist has used on our mouths, and we’re only five minutes into the appointment. Not to mention the lingering pain we’ll feel after the appointment is over.

 

4. We Experience a Wide Array of Unusual Tastes

 

Paris: Escargots are better than we thought (mainly because they’re drowned in a butter garlic sauce) but some things will always seem a bit odd to the non-French taste-tester—like kidneys and cow tongue and bone marrow. Thankfully we can wash it all down with a delicious glass of wine.

 

Dental Work: The dentist thinks he sucked out all the saliva from our mouths so he gives us permission to swallow, and we are met with the taste of cement and blood. Yuck. But if we’re lucky he’ll give us cherry fluoride to rinse it out with!

 

5. We Experience a Wide Array of Unusual Smells

 

Paris: From the homeless man urinating in the Métro to a yappy poodle pooping in the street, our nostrils will be assaulted with many unpleasant smells. But we’ll also enjoy the unique aroma of pungent Roquefort that’s been aged in a regional French cave. And it will be paired with full-bodied red Bordeaux to bring out the best flavors of the cheese.

 

Dental Work: The drill whirrs and we convince ourselves this is a trained medical professional who knows what he’s doing. But that slightly burnt odor is still unnerving. Why does dental work smell like something’s on fire? Even the fruity rinse he provides afterward isn’t strong enough to overtake the smoky aroma.

 

6. We Keep Putting It Off

 

Paris: It’s been a lifelong dream to visit Paris, or maybe we even envision settling in for a prolonged stay. But we haven’t quite gotten around to it yet. We need to take time off work. The flight is long and pricey. We want to finish x, y, and z first. There’s always something getting in the way of us and our fairytale destination.

 

Dental Work: We go in for a check-up and after a routine exam the doctor delivers the verdict—we need to fill three cavities and have two root canals. Yikes. We need to take time off work. The procedure is long and pricey. We want to finish x, y, and z first. There’s always something getting in the way of us and our torturous appointment.

 

7. We Have to Wait

 

Paris: Everywhere we go, there’s a line. Which shouldn’t come as a surprise since Paris hosts millions of visitors per year, and that’s on top of the millions of residents populating the city. From Notre-Dame to the local bakery, we’re stuck behind slow-moving people who take forever to complete their transactions. At least we’re likely to enjoy whatever is at the end of the line (world-famous view, world-famous pastries).

 

Dental Work: We’ll be stuck in the drab waiting room, dreading what’s about to happen on the other side of the door. We’ll flip through the torn pages of old magazines, bored out of our minds. Part of us will just want to get this over with and part of us will be happy we can put it off a little longer. Nothing good waits for us at the dentist’s office, except for the fact that this will all be over soon.

 

8. We Have to Fill out a Bunch of Forms

 

Paris: If we’re visiting, sometimes we’ll luck out and border control will give us quick stamps in our passports and wave us through. But if we’re staying for an extended period of time (somehow I’m still here 10 years later, so watch out—it can happen!) we’ll have to apply for a visa. Which involves a yearly renewal process of 848 pieces of paper (originals) plus 848 photocopies. The forests of the world weep as we prepare our dossier. We