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on his own.

Chana: Good. Can you give me another turnaround?

Sam: I shouldnā€™t wake me up.

Chana: How is that true?

Sam: Oooh. So many times I say Iā€™m going to get to bed by ten, but then Iā€™ll stay up reading articles on my phone until midnight.

Chana: So youā€™re keeping yourself up.

Sam: Yeah. Even when Alex has nothing to do with it.

Chana: Whatā€™s another reason you shouldnā€™t wake yourself up?

Sam: Because I need rest. Because I want to have a full night of sleep.

Chana: What else?

Sam: I donā€™t know.

Chana: Think specifically about this situation with Alex. How are you waking yourself up?

Sam: Duh!

Chana: Why did you say that?

Sam: I just realized that his waking up has something to do with me. He never learned to stay in bed because I never taught him how! I never thought of it that way.

Chana: What way?

Sam: I never taught Alex to go to sleep on his own. Iā€™ve always held him or rocked him or nursed him. Heā€™s doesnā€™t know how to fall asleep, so if he wakes up, he comes to me.

Chana: Yes.

Sam: By not teaching him, Iā€™ve set him up to wake me up. Iā€™m doing it. Iā€™m waking me up!

Chana: Thatā€™s a very different perspective.

Sam: Very. If I want to sleep through the night, I have to teach Alex to.

Chana: Or you could choose that itā€™s more important to you that Alex not have to go to sleep alone.

Sam: I could choose that. But at least now I know I have a choice. I know what I can do.

Chana: Youā€™re back in your Business.

Sam: Yeah. That feels good.

By imagining her belief to be the cackle of a Little Green Troll, Sam was not only able to disassociate herself from it, but also to lighten her reaction to it. Iā€™ve heard other practitioners say they offer other imagery tools to their clients to help put a thought on hold. It can be sprayed out with window cleaner, blasted up in a rocket ship, shoved in a drawer, buried into the ground, or written on a piece of paper and crunched in your hand. I find personification not only useful but playful and fun; The Little Green Troll isnā€™t so bad when heā€™s gorging on Snickers.

Use The Little Green Troll when youā€™re having a difficult time imagining yourself living without a thought thatā€™s causing your suffering. Putting the thought into the mouth of a creature helps you imagine your life without it.

Lessons from Your Opponent

An understanding that the thoughts that bring you suffering will also teach you your most important life lessons.

A subtle thought that is in error may yet give rise to fruitful inquiry that can establish truths of great value.

ā€”Isaac Asimov

Great philosophers, religious leaders, and mystics speak of the freedom, peace, and serenity that come from a detached and joyful plane of consciousness. Some say we gain serenity by simply brushing thoughts aside. Inquiry doesnā€™t treat a stressful belief as an opponent we have to evade or subdue; instead, we invite the thought to fully inhabit our space for a while and invite it to teach us its lessons. Just like every circumstance and person we encounter offers us the opportunity to learn and grow, thoughts themselves can be our greatest teachers. Inquiry trains us to become active, questioning observers of our thinking, rather than its passive victims.

Linda struggled with depression and floated in and out of therapistsā€™ offices, never finding the relief she was seeking. Most sessions with clinicians left her feeling worse than when she walked in. She was curious to see if Inquiry might lead her in a different direction. The first thing she wanted to work on was her relationship with her mother:

Linda: I just canā€™t get over it.

Chana: What canā€™t you get over?

Linda: That Mom doesnā€™t love me.

Chana: You mom doesnā€™t love you: Is that true?

Linda: Yes.

Chana: Can you absolutely know that itā€™s true?

Linda: Itā€™s obvious.

Chana: And how do you react when you believe that she doesnā€™t love you?

Linda: I want to ball myself up in the darkest corner of my basement and disappear. I donā€™t want to talk to anyone.

The Anatomy of Feedback shows us that if a thought makes us shut down, we can know that itā€™s not true. That being said, your brain will continue to ignore facts or twist reality to fit your bias until you explore other ways of believing. Thatā€™s when your mind will shift its perception and reveal everything you didnā€™t see before; in other words, youā€™ll have an ā€œAha!ā€ moment.

The lessons of a thought lie in its opposites, what Byron Katie calls turnarounds. A thought is like a many-sided crystal: in every direction, refractions of light reveal glimmers of truth flipped upside down from what we initially believed them to be. Lindaā€™s emotions are delicate. Sheā€™s sunk into a dark place, and itā€™s neither necessary or healthy for her to hang out there too long. Letā€™s jump right to the turnarounds:

Chana: What is the opposite of the thought that your mother doesnā€™t love you?

Linda: To fully learn from a turnaround, you have to give your mind the space to find proofs and let them rise to the surface. See what comes up when I ask you: how is this new thought as true or truer than the original?

Linda: Umā€¦ I guess she didnā€™t throw me into a dumpster.

Chana: Good. What else?

Linda: She bought me clothes, wiped my butt, fed me.

Chana: Andā€¦

Linda: Ummā€¦ She buys me birthday presents.

Just like a stool needs at least three legs to stand, you need at least three solid reasons that support a new thought. If youā€™re trying to upend a particularly insidious belief, I recommend you search for even more. In looking for proofs, be creative, allow yourself to use figurative language, and most importantly, be honest.

Chana: Stop for a minute and think of a time she gave you a birthday present. Notice what you have to do to believe she doesnā€™t love you while sheā€™s handing it to you.

Linda: Ooof. Itā€™s pretty bad. I donā€™t even allow eye contact. Iā€™m thinking of how sheā€™s trying to buy my affection and manipulate me.

Chana: She couldnā€™t possibly be loving you with the gift, could she?

Linda: No. I probably donā€™t even thank her.

Chana: Cut the ā€œprobably.ā€

Linda: Right. I donā€™t thank her. Man, that feels so crappy.

Chana: What do you want to do?

Linda: I should thank her. I donā€™t know if Iā€™ve ever thanked her for much of anythingā€¦

Linda recognized that for her depression to lift, she needed to become an active participant in her life, rather than a victim of circumstance. The first step Linda took was to write a letter of gratitude to her mother for everything sheā€™d done for her. She scheduled that important step into her calendar for later that evening.

The thought my mother doesnā€™t love me holds many lessons that can be revealed by stating its opposite. Turning thoughts around can happen by flipping the subject, object, or verb of any given statement. In Lindaā€™s case, she came up with:

1. My mother does love me. Negate the verb 2. My mother doesnā€™t hate me. Say the opposite of the verb 3. My mother doesnā€™t love herself. Say the opposite of the object 4. I donā€™t love me. Say the opposite of the subject 5. My thinking doesnā€™t love me. Replace the subject with my thinking (i.e. The seat of all the thoughts that come my way) 6. I donā€™t love my mother. Say the opposite of the subject and object (and possibly the verb) 7. My mother doesnā€™t love me, and thatā€™s okay. Add and thatā€™s okay to the original statement

Not all opposite statements resonate as logical or true. See how a new thought feels in your body. Be aware that an intense, discomforting, or knee-jerk reaction can often indicate a turnaround has powerful lessons to teach you that require you to take responsibility or face an ugly truth about yourself (which can be excruciating sometimes.)

Turnaround #5 above is important to clarify because the concept of separating our essence from our ā€œthinkingā€ is not immediately apparent. Our thinking is there to serve us, but when it feeds us such thoughts as: ā€œMy mother doesnā€™t love me,ā€ ā€œIā€™m a loser,ā€ or ā€œIā€™ll never make anything of my life,ā€ then itā€™s working completely against us. We want to remind ourselves that our thinking should be under our control, not the other way around. When Linda alters, ā€œI donā€™t love meā€ to, ā€œMy thinking doesnā€™t love me,ā€ she can recognize just how cruelly her thinking is treating her.

Turnarounds can also be metaphorical. In the chapter Should-ing Belongs in the Outhouse, Sandy realized that she, like the terrorists in Jerusalem, was ā€œstabbingā€ other people by behaving distrustfully towards her friends and imagining stabbings hundreds of times in her mind. Her believing that ā€œPeople shouldnā€™t stab other peopleā€ only served to make her as angry and violent while she was seeking world peace.

As you become more experienced with turnarounds, youā€™ll learn that they donā€™t always have to be a perfect opposite of the original statement. Turnaround #7 above is a perfect example. Adding, ā€œand thatā€™s okayā€ doesnā€™t reverse an original statement; rather, it invalidates the implication that the believer is incapable of accepting its truth.

Chana: Give me three reasons itā€™s true that your mother doesnā€™t love you and thatā€™s okay?

Linda: Well, Iā€™ve lived for 32 years believing she didnā€™t love me and Iā€™ve survived.

Chana: What else?

Linda: She likes buying stuff, so she gives me gifts. Iā€™d prefer we spend quality time together, but sheā€™s still loves me in her own way, and even if I donā€™t feel the love, receiving the gifts is better than rejecting them entirely. I feel better.

Chana: Can you give me one more reason that your mother doesnā€™t love you and thatā€™s okay?

Linda: Umā€¦. Iā€¦ Iā€™m trying hard here, but I justā€¦ I canā€™t really believe that. It canā€™t be okay.

Lindaā€™s stuck. She doesnā€™t want to live in a reality in which her mother doesnā€™t love her. A trip to the ATM can help us uncover her reasons why:

Chana: I want you to complete this sentence: your mother doesnā€™t love you and that meansā€¦

Linda: It means thereā€™s something wrong with me. That Iā€™m unlovable.

Chana: Anything else?

Linda: That I canā€™t move on. The world would come crashing down around me.

Chana: Andā€¦

Linda: I wouldnā€™t be worthy. Ugh, this is so screwed up!

Chana: Whatā€™s screwed up?

Linda: This whole thing. Itā€™s like her love is what holds up my entire existence.

Chana: Do you really believe that?

Linda: Wellā€¦ what did you just ask?

Chana: What do you remember?

Linda: Something about me believing that her love holds me up.

Chana: Do you believe it?

Linda: Oh. Huh. Waitā€¦ that would mean that only people whose moms loved them would stay alive. But thatā€™s not true. My friend Janet loved her son to pieces, but he still died of cancer. And there are moms too drugged up to even recognize their kids, and plenty of those kids still survive.

Chana: So what does that mean?

Linda: I guess that somethingā€™s holding

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