Our American Cousin - Tom Taylor (books for new readers txt) 📗
- Author: Tom Taylor
Book online «Our American Cousin - Tom Taylor (books for new readers txt) 📗». Author Tom Taylor
his hat over his eyes.
Lord Dundreary
Repeats.
Asa Trenchard
Repeats business.
Lord Dundreary
Comes down, takes off hat, looking in it. There must be something alive in that hat. Goes up, and commences again. The rose is red, the violet’s blue, sugar is sweet, and so is somebody, and so is somebody else.
Asa Trenchard puts yoke on Lord Dundreary’s shoulders gently. Lord Dundreary comes down with pails.
Lord Dundreary
I wonder what the devil that is? Lowers one, then the other, they trip him up. Oh, I see, somebody has been fishing and caught a pail. Goes hopping upstage, stumbling over against spinning wheel. Looks at yarn on stick. Why, what a little old man. Sees Asa Trenchard. Say, Mr. Exile, what the devil is this?
Asa Trenchard
That is a steam engine, and will bust in about a minute.
Lord Dundreary
Well, I haven’t a minute to spare, so I’ll not wait till it busts. Crosses to R., knocks against private box, R. H., apologizes.
Asa Trenchard
Say, whiskers, I want to ask a favor of you.
Lord Dundreary
Attempts to sneeze. Now I’ve got it.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, but say. Lord Dundreary’s sneezing business.
Asa Trenchard
Takes his hand. How are you. Squeezes it.
Lord Dundreary
There, you’ve spoiled it.
Asa Trenchard
Spoiled what?
Lord Dundreary
Spoiled what! why a magnificent sneeze.
Asa Trenchard
Oh! was that what you was trying to get through you?
Lord Dundreary
Get through me: he’s mad.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, now, the naked truth is—Leans arm on Lord Dundreary’s shoulder. Business by Lord Dundreary. Oh, come now, don’t be putting on airs. Say, do you know Lieutenant Vernon?
Lord Dundreary
Slightly.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, what do you think of him, on an average?
Lord Dundreary
Think of a man on an average?
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I think he’s a real hoss, and he wants a ship.
Lord Dundreary
Well if he’s a real hoss, he must want a carriage.
Asa Trenchard
Darn me, if that ain’t good.
Lord Dundreary
That’s good.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, that is good.
Lord Dundreary
Very good.
Asa Trenchard
Very good, indeed, for you.
Lord Dundreary
Now I’ve got it. Tries to sneeze.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, now, I say. Lord Dundreary trying to sneeze.
Asa Trenchard
What, are you at that again?
Lord Dundreary business. Asa Trenchard bites his finger. Lord Dundreary goes up, stumbles against chair and comes down again.
Lord Dundreary
I’ve got the influenza.
Asa Trenchard
Got the what?
Lord Dundreary
He says I’ve got a wart. I’ve got the influenza.
Asa Trenchard
That’s it exactly. I want your influence, sir, to get that ship.
Lord Dundreary
That’s good.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, that’s good, ain’t it.
Lord Dundreary
Very good.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, darn me, if that ain’t good.
Lord Dundreary
For you. Ha! ha! One on that Yankee.
Asa Trenchard
Well done, Britisher. Wal, now, about that ship?
Lord Dundreary
I want all my influence, sir, for my own w—w—welations. Stammering.
Asa Trenchard
Oh! you want it for your own w—w—welations. Mimicing.
Lord Dundreary
I say, sir. Asa Trenchard pretends deafness. This business is ad lib.
Asa Trenchard
Eh?
Lord Dundreary
He’s hard of hearing, and thinks he’s in a balloon. Mister.
Asa Trenchard
Eh?
Lord Dundreary
He thinks he can hear with his nose. I say—
Asa Trenchard
Eh?
Lord Dundreary turns Asa Trenchard’s nose around with his thumb. Asa Trenchard puts his two hands up to Lord Dundreary’s.
Lord Dundreary
Now he thinks he’s a musical instrument. I say—
Asa Trenchard
What?
Lord Dundreary
You stutter. I’ll give you a k—k—k—
Asa Trenchard
No you won’t give me a kick.
Lord Dundreary
I’ll give you a c—c—card to a doctor and he’ll c—c—c—
Asa Trenchard
No he won’t kick me, either.
Lord Dundreary
He’s idiotic. I don’t mean that, he’ll cure you.
Asa Trenchard
Same one that cured you?
Lord Dundreary
The same.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, if you’re cured I want to stay sick. He must be a mighty smart man.
Lord Dundreary
A very clever man, he is.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, darn me, if there ain’t a physiological change taking place. Your whiskers at this moment—
Lord Dundreary
My whiskers!
Asa Trenchard
Yes, about the ends they’re as black as a niggers in billing time, and near the roots they’re all speckled and streaked.
Lord Dundreary
Horror struck. My whiskers speckled and streaked?
Asa Trenchard
Showing bottle. Now, this is a wonderful invention.
Lord Dundreary
My hair dye. My dear sir.
Asa Trenchard
Squeezing his hand. How are you?
Lord Dundreary
Dear Mr. Trenchard.
Puts arm on shoulder. Asa Trenchard repeats Lord Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers.
Lord Dundreary
He’s mad, he’s deaf, he squints, stammers and he’s a hopper.
Asa Trenchard
Now, look here, you get the Lieutenant a ship and I’ll give you the bottle. It’s a fine swap.
Lord Dundreary
What the devil is a swap?
Asa Trenchard
Well, you give me the ship, and I’ll give you the bottle to boot.
Lord Dundreary
What do I want of your boots? I haven’t got a ship about me.
Asa Trenchard
You’d better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They’ll be a pea green in about a minute.
Lord Dundreary
Crosses to L. Pea green! Exits hastily into house.
Asa Trenchard
I guess I’ve got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain’t pitching into ham and eggs and homemade bread, wal, she’s a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day’s work rail splitting. I’ll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. Georgina scream. Guess I’ve got a ring in her pretty nose now. Looks off, R. Hello! here comes the lickers and shooters, it’s about time I took my medicine, I reckon.
Enter, from R. 2. E, Sir Edward Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington, Florence Trenchard, Harry Vernon, Augusta, Capt. De Boots, John Wickens, Mr. Coyle, Sharpe, Mr. Binny,
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