Our American Cousin - Tom Taylor (books for new readers txt) 📗
- Author: Tom Taylor
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epub:type="z3998:persona">Asa Trenchard
Yes, I’ll be there like a thousand of brick.
Augusta
A thousand of brick!
Mrs. Mountchessington
Hush, my dear! that is doubtless some elegant American expression. Au revoir, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
Which?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Au revoir. Exit with Augusta, R.
Asa Trenchard
No, thank you, don’t take any before dinner. No use their talking Dutch to me. Wal, I never see an old gal stand fire like that, she’s a real old bison bull. I feel all-fired tuckered out riding in those keers. I’d like to have a snooze if I could find a place to lay down in. Sees curtain on window, L. E. Oh, this might do! Pulls curtain, then starts back. No you don’t! One shower bath a day is enough for me. Cautiously opens them. No, I guess this is all right, I shall be just as snug in here as in a pew at meeting, or a private box at the Theatre. Hello! somebody’s coming. Goes into recess.
Enter Lord Dundreary and Mr. Buddicombe, L. 1 E.
Mr. Buddicombe
My lord—
Lord Dundreary
Business.
Mr. Buddicombe
My lord!
Lord Dundreary
Business.
Mr. Buddicombe
Your lordship!! Louder.
Lord Dundreary
There, now you’ve spoiled it.
Mr. Buddicombe
Spoiled what, my lord?
Lord Dundreary
Spoiled what, my lord; why, a most magnificent sneeze!
Mr. Buddicombe
I am very sorry, my lord.
Lord Dundreary
Now that I can speak alone with you, tell me about that hair dye. Have you found it?
Mr. Buddicombe
Not a trace of it, my lord.
Lord Dundreary
If you don’t find it, I’ll discharge you.
Mr. Buddicombe
Very well, my lord. Bows and exits, L. 1 E.
Lord Dundreary
Very well, my lord! He’s gone and lost my hair dye, and my hair turns red tomorrow, and when I ask him to find it for me or I’ll discharge him, he says, ‘Very well, my lord.’ He’s positively idiotic, he is—Ah! here comes Miss Georgina, that gorgeous creature—that lovely sufferer. Exit, L. 1 E.
Asa Trenchard
Looking out. What’s the price of hair dye? Hallo! he’s coming again with that sick girl.
Re-enter Lord Dundreary and Georgina, L. 1 E.
Lord Dundreary
Will you try and strengthen your limbs with a gentle walk in the garden?
Georgina
No, thank you, my lord. I’m so delicate. Oh, my lord, it is so painful to walk languidly through life, to be unable, at times, to bear the perfumes of one’s favorite flowers. Even those violets you sent me yesterday I was compelled to have removed from my room, the perfume was too strong for me. I’m so delicate.
Lord Dundreary
Yes, Miss Georgina; but they’re very strengthening flowers, you know.
Georgina
Yes, my lord, you are always right.
Lord Dundreary
Do you know I’m getting to be very robust?
Georgina
Would I could share that fault with you; but I am so delicate.
Lord Dundreary
If you were robust I should not love you as I do. It would deprive you of that charm which enchains me to your lovely side, which—which—
Georgina
Oh, my lord, my lord! I’m going to faint.
Lord Dundreary
And I’m going to sneeze, you faint while I sneeze.
Georgina
Taking his arm. Oh! my lord.
Lord Dundreary
Do you know what a sneeze is?
Georgina
No, my lord.
Lord Dundreary
She never sneezed. I’ll tell you what a sneeze is. Imagine a very large spider.
Georgina
Screams. Where, my lord?
Lord Dundreary
No, no, I don’t mean a real spider, only an imaginary one, a large spider getting up your nose, and all of a sudden, much to his disgust, he discovers he has put his foot in it and can’t get it out again.
Georgina
That must be very distressing.
Lord Dundreary
For the spider, yes, and not very pleasant for the nose.
Georgina
Oh! my lord, do take me to mamma.
Lord Dundreary
No, you lovely sufferer, let’s walk a little more.
Georgina
I can’t my lord, I’m so delicate.
Lord Dundreary
Well, then, exercise, imitate that little hop of mine. Hops. It isn’t a run, it’s a—
Georgina
What is it?
Lord Dundreary
No, it isn’t a what is it. Well, let me suppose I get you an oyster. Georgina shakes her head. Oh! then suppose I get you an oyster.
Georgina
No, my lord, I’m too delicate.
Lord Dundreary
How would you like the left wing of a canary bird?
Georgina
No, my lord, it’s too strong for me.
Lord Dundreary
Let me ask you a widdle—why does a duck go under water? for diverse reasons. Now I’ll give you another—why does a duck come out of the water? for sundry reasons. No! No! see, you live on suction, you’re like that bird with a long bill, they call doctor, no, that’s not it, I thought it was a doctor, because it has a long bill—I mean a snipe—yes, you’re a lovely snipe. Exeunt, R.
Asa Trenchard
Looking after them. There goes a load of wooden nutmegs. Hello, here comes somebody else.
Enter Florence Trenchard, R., with paper.
Florence Trenchard
Reads. ‘One who still remembers what he ought long since to have forgotten, wishes to speak with Miss Trenchard.’ Florence scratched out, ‘on matters of life and death, near the orel, in the west gallery.’ Written upon a dirty sheet of paper, in a hardly legible hand. What does this mean; it opens like one of Mrs. Radcliffe’s romances. Well, here I am, and now for my correspondent.
Enter Abel Murcott, L.
Abel Murcott
Oh! for one minute’s clear head, Miss Florence.
Florence Trenchard
I presume you are the writer of this?
Abel Murcott
Yes, I am.
Florence Trenchard
You address me as an old acquaintance, but I do not recognize you.
Abel Murcott
So much the better. So much the better.
Florence Trenchard
I hate mystery, sir; but you see I have come to rendezvous. I must know to whom I am speaking.
Abel Murcott
As frank as ever. I am Abel Murcott.
Florence Trenchard
Starting back! You?
Abel Murcott
Do not be ashamed, I have not the strength to injure you, if I had the evil. In this shabby, broken down drunkard you need not fear the madman, who years ago forgot in his
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