An Ideal Husband - Oscar Wilde (unputdownable books .txt) 📗
- Author: Oscar Wilde
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my lord! They are extremely fortunate in that respect.
Lord Goring
Turns round and looks at him. Phipps remains impassive. Hum! Any letters, Phipps?
Phipps
Three, my lord. Hands letters on a salver.
Lord Goring
Takes letters. Want my cab round in twenty minutes.
Phipps
Yes, my lord. Goes towards door.
Lord Goring
Holds up letter in pink envelope. Ahem! Phipps, when did this letter arrive?
Phipps
It was brought by hand just after your lordship went to the club.
Lord Goring
That will do. Exit Phipps. Lady Chiltern’s handwriting on Lady Chiltern’s pink notepaper. That is rather curious. I thought Robert was to write. Wonder what Lady Chiltern has got to say to me? Sits at bureau and opens letter, and reads it. “I want you. I trust you. I am coming to you. Gertrude.” Puts down the letter with a puzzled look. Then takes it up, and reads it again slowly. “I want you. I trust you. I am coming to you.” So she has found out everything! Poor woman! Poor woman! Pulls out watch and looks at it. But what an hour to call! Ten o’clock! I shall have to give up going to the Berkshires. However, it is always nice to be expected, and not to arrive. I am not expected at the Bachelors’, so I shall certainly go there. Well, I will make her stand by her husband. That is the only thing for her to do. That is the only thing for any woman to do. It is the growth of the moral sense in women that makes marriage such a hopeless, one-sided institution. Ten o’clock. She should be here soon. I must tell Phipps I am not in to anyone else. Goes towards bell.
Enter Phipps.
Phipps
Lord Caversham.
Lord Goring
Oh, why will parents always appear at the wrong time? Some extraordinary mistake in nature, I suppose. Enter Lord Caversham. Delighted to see you, my dear father. Goes to meet him.
Lord Caversham
Take my cloak off.
Lord Goring
Is it worth while, father?
Lord Caversham
Of course it is worth while, sir. Which is the most comfortable chair?
Lord Goring
This one, father. It is the chair I use myself, when I have visitors.
Lord Caversham
Thank ye. No draught, I hope, in this room?
Lord Goring
No, father.
Lord Caversham
Sitting down. Glad to hear it. Can’t stand draughts. No draughts at home.
Lord Goring
Good many breezes, father.
Lord Caversham
Eh? Eh? Don’t understand what you mean. Want to have a serious conversation with you, sir.
Lord Goring
My dear father! At this hour?
Lord Caversham
Well, sir, it is only ten o’clock. What is your objection to the hour? I think the hour is an admirable hour!
Lord Goring
Well, the fact is, father, this is not my day for talking seriously. I am very sorry, but it is not my day.
Lord Caversham
What do you mean, sir?
Lord Goring
During the Season, father, I only talk seriously on the first Tuesday in every month, from four to seven.
Lord Caversham
Well, make it Tuesday, sir, make it Tuesday.
Lord Goring
But it is after seven, father, and my doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven. It makes me talk in my sleep.
Lord Caversham
Talk in your sleep, sir? What does that matter? You are not married.
Lord Goring
No, father, I am not married.
Lord Caversham
Hum! That is what I have come to talk to you about, sir. You have got to get married, and at once. Why, when I was your age, sir, I had been an inconsolable widower for three months, and was already paying my addresses to your admirable mother. Damme, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can’t be always living for pleasure. Every man of position is married nowadays. Bachelors are not fashionable any more. They are a damaged lot. Too much is known about them. You must get a wife, sir. Look where your friend Robert Chiltern has got to by probity, hard work, and a sensible marriage with a good woman. Why don’t you imitate him, sir? Why don’t you take him for your model?
Lord Goring
I think I shall, father.
Lord Caversham
I wish you would, sir. Then I should be happy. At present I make your mother’s life miserable on your account. You are heartless, sir, quite heartless.
Lord Goring
I hope not, father.
Lord Caversham
And it is high time for you to get married. You are thirty-four years of age, sir.
Lord Goring
Yes, father, but I only admit to thirty-two—thirty-one and a half when I have a really good buttonhole. This buttonhole is not … trivial enough.
Lord Caversham
I tell you you are thirty-four, sir. And there is a draught in your room, besides, which makes your conduct worse. Why did you tell me there was no draught, sir? I feel a draught, sir, I feel it distinctly.
Lord Goring
So do I, father. It is a dreadful draught. I will come and see you tomorrow, father. We can talk over anything you like. Let me help you on with your cloak, father.
Lord Caversham
No, sir; I have called this evening for a definite purpose, and I am going to see it through at all costs to my health or yours. Put down my cloak, sir.
Lord Goring
Certainly, father. But let us go into another room. Rings bell. There is a dreadful draught here. Enter Phipps. Phipps, is there a good fire in the smoking room?
Phipps
Yes, my lord.
Lord Goring
Come in there, father. Your sneezes are quite heartrending.
Lord Caversham
Well, sir, I suppose I have a right to sneeze when I choose?
Lord Goring
Apologetically. Quite so, father. I was merely expressing sympathy.
Lord Caversham
Oh, damn sympathy. There is a great deal too much of that sort of thing going on nowadays.
Lord Goring
I quite agree with you, father. If there was less sympathy in the world there would be less trouble in the world.
Lord Caversham
Going towards
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