The School for Scandal - Richard Brinsley Sheridan (reading strategies book txt) 📗

independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. — No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness⁠—all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides. Sir Oliver Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again. Charles Surface I hope not. — Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. — But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer;17 here’s an old gouty chair of my grandfather’s will answer the purpose. Careless Ay, ay, this will do. — But, Charles, I haven’t a hammer; and what’s an auctioneer without his hammer? Charles Surface Egad, that’s true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. Taking pedigree down. Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here’s the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree. Sir Oliver What an unnatural rogue!⁠—an ex post facto parricide! Aside. Careless Yes, yes, here’s a list of your generation indeed;⁠—faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for ’t will not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin⁠—A-going, a-going, a-going! Charles Surface Bravo, Careless! Well, here’s my great-uncle, Sir Richard Raveline,18 a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough’s wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him⁠—there’s a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. — What do you bid? Sir Oliver Aside to Moses. Bid him speak. Moses Mr. Premium would have you speak. Charles Surface Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I’m sure that’s not dear for a staff-officer. Sir Oliver Aside. Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds!⁠—Aloud. Very well, sir, I take him at that. Charles Surface Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. — Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, thought to be in his best manner, and a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten⁠—the sheep are worth the money. Sir Oliver Aside. Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself!⁠—Aloud. Five pounds ten⁠—she’s mine. Charles Surface Knock down my aunt Deborah!⁠—Here, now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs. — You see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair. Sir Oliver Yes, truly, headdresses appear to have been a little lower in those days. Charles Surface Well, take that couple for the same. Moses ’T is a good bargain. Charles Surface Careless!⁠—This, now, is a grandfather of my mother’s, a learned judge, well known on the western circuit. — What do you rate him at, Moses? Moses Four guineas. Charles Surface Four guineas! Gad’s life, you don’t bid me the price of his wig. — Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen. Sir Oliver By all means. Careless Gone! Charles Surface And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of parliament, and noted speakers; and, what’s very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold. Sir Oliver That is very extraordinary, indeed! I’ll take them at your own price, for the honour of parliament. Careless Well said, little Premium!⁠—I’ll knock them down at forty. Charles Surface Here’s a jolly fellow⁠—I don’t know what relation, but he was mayor of Manchester: take him at eight pounds. Sir Oliver No, no; six will do for the mayor. Charles Surface Come, make it guineas, and I’ll throw you the two aldermen there into the bargain. Sir Oliver They’re mine. Charles Surface Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. — But, plague on’t! we shall be all day retailing in this manner: do let us deal wholesale; what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump. Careless Ay, ay, that will be the best way. Sir Oliver Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over. Careless What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee? Sir Oliver Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don’t think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means. Charles Surface What, that?⁠—Oh; that’s my uncle Oliver! ’twas done before he went to India. Careless Your uncle Oliver!⁠—Gad, then you’ll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on’t. Don’t you think so, little Premium? Sir Oliver Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. — But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber? Charles Surface No, hang it! I’ll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I’ll keep his picture while I’ve a room to put it in. Sir Oliver Aside. The rogue’s my nephew after all!⁠—Aloud. But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture. Charles Surface I’m sorry for ’t, for you certainly will not have it. Oons, haven’t you got enough of them? Sir Oliver Aside. I forgive him everything!⁠—Aloud. But, sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don’t value money. I’ll give you as much for that as for all the rest. Charles Surface Don’t tease me, master broker; I tell you I’ll not part with it, and there’s an end of it.