Nearing Home by Billy Graham (best book club books for discussion txt) 📗

a parent or grandparent. On the other hand, grief may have come into your life in cruel and tragic ways—the death of a child or of a relative or spouse suddenly taken from you by a heart attack or accident. But no matter what our present experience is, the Bible’s words are true:

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die. (Ecclesiastes 3:1–2)

DEALING WITH OUR GRIEF

How should we cope with grief? Let me mention four steps that have helped me, not just as I have grieved Ruth’s death but as I have dealt with the deaths of my parents; my brother (and best friend), Melvin; my sister Catherine; Ruth’s mother and father; and other relatives and friends over the years.

Accepting Your Feelings

First, don’t be surprised by your grief or deny it or feel guilty over it. Even when the death of someone we love is expected, we still will miss him or her, and we still will grieve our loss. Don’t be surprised, either, if it creeps up on you at unexpected times and takes you by surprise. “I thought I was over my grief after my husband died last year,” a woman wrote me once, “but a few days ago someone walked by who reminded me of him, and suddenly the tears began to flow.”

Grieving is a process, and it doesn’t go away overnight—even when we know our loved ones’ suffering has ended and they are now safely in Heaven. When death comes to someone we love, we may feel numb at first (particularly if the death is unexpected); people may even comment on how well we are handling our grief. But then the numbness wears off, and the reality of what has happened may send us into periods of great sadness and unrelenting sorrow. People who have never experienced grief often can’t understand this, but that should not make us think we are abnormal nor should we deny our feelings and pretend everything is fine. “I told people I didn’t understand why my friend didn’t snap out of it and stop dwelling on her mother’s death so much,” one woman reportedly said. “But then my brother died, and now I understand.”

Looking to the Future

A second step I have found helpful in times of grief is this: don’t focus only on the past, but also turn your heart and mind to the future. When someone close to us dies, we naturally focus on what that person meant to us in the past. We remember the good times we had, and how our love bound us together even in hard times. We sense, too, the crushing finality of death and realize as never before that the past is gone forever, and it will never be repeated. It’s not wrong to do this; in fact, it is perfectly natural. Ruth often said when news came of the deaths of friends or relatives, “I’m happy for them, but sad for us.”

But as time passes we also need to turn our thoughts to our own futures. That isn’t easy to do; we don’t want to face the pain and emptiness we know we are going to feel in the months and years ahead. It’s easier to focus on the memories of the past. But we still have people who love us and need us, and we still have responsibilities. Most of all, God is not finished with us; He still has a plan for the remainder of our lives. Paul’s words concerning his own spiritual journey apply to us even when we grieve: “One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13–14).

Sometimes, however, the future intrudes on us in ways we would rather avoid. No one wants to face the legal and financial issues that may need to be settled shortly after someone’s death; no one wants to face the task of cleaning out a spouse’s closet or desk. I am grateful that my children were willing to help me with these practical matters after Ruth’s death. At the same time, don’t be forced into making hasty or ill-conceived decisions that you will later regret.

Forcing our hearts and minds to look toward the future means accepting what has happened and—little by little—learning to live with it. It means also that we begin resuming our normal activities and contacts—not necessarily all at once, but nevertheless resisting the temptation to remain withdrawn. It may take a deliberate act of the will on our part to restart our normal routines, but it is important to do so. “No one understands what I’m going through” is a common feeling among those who have lost someone close to them. Even if it is true, however, don’t let it become an excuse for remaining isolated or inactive.

Helping Others

A third step in finding healing for grief is this: in time, begin reaching out to others who need your help. I heard once about a pastor who always ended his sermons with these words: “Remember: everyone you are going to meet this week is carrying a heavy burden.” Over the years I have found this to be true; I have never met a person who wasn’t weighed down by some kind of problem or burden. But God wants to help carry everyone’s burdens—one way He does that is by sending someone into the person’s life who can share the burden. Grief is a heavy burden, and we need to be willing to have others reach out and help us carry it instead of trying to shoulder it alone.

Paul reminds us, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2); and “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). All around you are others who have burdens,