Our American Cousin - Tom Taylor (books for new readers txt) 📗

a draught that cured the effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn’t pay the doctor’s bill. Didn’t that draught⁠— Florence Trenchard Good gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts. Lord Dundreary Ha! ha! ha! Florence Trenchard What’s the matter? Lord Dundreary That wath a joke, that wath. Florence Trenchard Where’s the joke? Lord Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. Mountchessington. Mrs. Mountchessington No. Lord Dundreary She don’t see it. Don’t you see⁠—a game of drafts⁠—pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That’s the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime. Florence Trenchard A whime, what’s that? Lord Dundreary A whime is a widdle, you know. Florence Trenchard A widdle! Lord Dundreary Yeth; one of those things, like⁠—why is so-and-so or somebody like somebody else. Florence Trenchard Oh, I see, you mean a conundrum. Lord Dundreary Yeth, a drum, that’s the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor’s bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? Florence Trenchard repeats it. Yeth, do you give it up? Florence Trenchard Yes. Lord Dundreary Well, I’ll tell you⁠—a draught. Now I’ve got a better one that that: When is a dog’s tail not a dog’s tail? Florence Trenchard repeats. During this Florence Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington and Lord Dundreary are downstage. Florence Trenchard Yes, and willingly. Lord Dundreary When it’s a cart. They look at him enquiringly. Florence Trenchard Why, what in earth has a dog’s tail to do with a cart? Lord Dundreary When it moves about, you know. A horse makes a cart move, so does a dog make his tail move. Florence Trenchard Oh, I see what you mean⁠—when it’s a wagon. Wags the letter in her hand. Lord Dundreary Well, a wagon and a cart are the same thing, ain’t they! That’s the idea⁠—it’s the same thing. Florence Trenchard They are not the same. In the case of your conundrum there’s a very great difference. Lord Dundreary Now I’ve got another. Why does a dog waggle his tail? Florence Trenchard Upon my word, I never inquired. Lord Dundreary Because the tail can’t waggle the dog. Ha! Ha! Florence Trenchard Ha! ha! Is that your own, Dundreary? Lord Dundreary Now I’ve got one, and this one is original. Florence Trenchard No, no, don’t spoil the last one. Lord Dundreary Yeth; but this is extremely interesting. Mrs. Mountchessington Do you think so, Lord Dundreary? Lord Dundreary Yeth. Miss Georgina likes me to tell her my jokes. By the by, talking of that lonely sufferer, isn’t she an interesting invalid? They do say that’s what’s the matter with me. I’m an interesting invalid. Florence Trenchard Oh, that accounts for what I have heard so many young ladies say⁠—Florence, dear, don’t you think Lord Dundreary’s extremely interesting? I never knew what they meant before. Lord Dundreary Yeth, the doctor recommends me to drink donkey’s milk. Florence Trenchard Hiding laugh. Oh, what a clever man he must be. He knows we generally thrive best on our native food. Goes up. Lord Dundreary Looking first at Florence Trenchard and then at Mrs. Mountchessington. I’m so weak, and that is so strong. Yes, I’m naturally very weak, and I want strengthening. Yes, I guess I’ll try it. Enter Augusta. Business with Lord Dundreary, who finally exits and brings on Georgina, L. 1 E. Lord Dundreary Look at this lonely sufferer. Bringing on Georgina, seats her on sofa, L. There, repothe yourself. Georgina Fanning herself. Thank you, my lord. Everybody is kind to me, and I am so delicate. Augusta At table. Captain De Boots, do help to unravel these wools for me, you have such an eye for color. Florence Trenchard An eye for color! Yes, especially green. Lord Dundreary Screams. Ha! ha! ha! All What’s the matter? Lord Dundreary Why, that wath a joke, that wath. Florence Trenchard Where was the joke? Lord Dundreary Especially, ha! ha! Sir Edward Trenchard Florence, dear, I must leave you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of business today. Florence Trenchard Well, papa, remember I am your little clerk and person of all work. Sir Edward Trenchard No, no; this is private business⁠—money matters, my love, which women know nothing about. Aside. Luckily for them. I expect Mr. Coyle today. Florence Trenchard Dear papa, how I wish you would get another agent. Sir Edward Trenchard Nonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs. His father was agent for the late Baronet. He’s one of the family, almost. Florence Trenchard Papa, I have implicit faith in my own judgement of faces. Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted. Sir Edward Trenchard Florence, you are ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. Aside. Curse him, I wish I could! Mr. Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of the family. Enter Mr. Binny, L. 3 E. Mr. Binny Mr. Coyle and hagent with papers. Sir Edward Trenchard Show him into the library. I will be with him presently. Exit Mr. Binny. Florence Trenchard Remember the archery meeting, papa. It is at three. Sir Edward Trenchard Yes, yes, I’ll remember. Aside. Pretty time for such levity when ruin stares me in the face. Florence, I leave you as my representative. Aside. Now to prepare myself to meet my Shylock. Exit, R. 1 E. Florence Trenchard Why will papa not trust me? Harry Vernon comes down, R. Oh, Harry! I wish he would find out what a lot of pluck and common sense there is in this feather head of mine. Lord Dundreary Miss Florence, will you be kind enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of yours. Florence Trenchard Oh, about my American cousin; certainly. Aside to Harry Vernon. Let’s have some fun. Well, he’s about 17 feet high! Lord Dundreary Good gracious! 17 feet high! Florence Trenchard They are all 17 feet high in America, ain’t they, Mr. Vernon? Harry Vernon Yes, that’s about the average height. Florence Trenchard And they have long black hair that reaches down