Our American Cousin - Tom Taylor (books for new readers txt) 📗

to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight with⁠—What do they fight with, Mr. Vernon? Harry Vernon Tomahawks and scalping knives. Florence Trenchard Yes; and you’d better take care, Miss Georgina, or he’ll take his tomahawk and scalping knife and scalp you immediately. Georgina screams and faints. Lord Dundreary Here, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not that, she’s pale enough already. Fans her with handkerchief. Georgina, don’t be afraid. Dundreary’s by your side, he will protect you. Florence Trenchard Don’t be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is about. Why, he could get three scalps here. Pulls Lord Dundreary’s whiskers. Georgina screams. Lord Dundreary Don’t scream, I won’t lose my whiskers. I know what I’ll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the roof of my head on. Ties it on. Florence Trenchard Pretending to cry. Goodbye, Dundreary. I’ll never see you again in all your glory. Lord Dundreary Don’t cry, Miss Florence, I’m ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk. Enter Mr. Binny. Mr. Binny If you please, Miss, ’ere’s a gent what says he’s hexpected. Florence Trenchard What’s his name? Where’s his card? Mr. Binny He didn’t tell me his name, Miss, and when I haxed him for his card ’e said ’e had a whole pack in his valise, and if I ’ad a mine ’e’d play me a game of seven hup. He says he has come to stay, and he certainly looks as if he didn’t mean to go. Florence Trenchard That’s him. Show him in, Mr. Binny. Exit Mr. Binny, L. 3 E. That’s my American cousin, I know. Augusta Romantically. Your American cousin. Oh, how delightfully romantic, isn’t it, Captain De Boots? Comes down. I can imagine the wild young hunter, with the free step and majestic mien of the hunter of the forest. Asa Trenchard Outside, L. 3 E. Consarn your picture, didn’t I tell you I was expected? You are as obstinate as Deacon Stumps’ forelock, that wouldn’t lie down and couldn’t stand up. Would’t pint forward and couldn’t go backward. Enter Asa Trenchard, L. 3 E., carrying a valise. Asa Trenchard Where’s the Squire? Florence Trenchard Do you mean Sir Edward Trenchard, sir? Asa Trenchard Yes. Florence Trenchard He is not present, but I am his daughter. Asa Trenchard Well, I guess that’ll fit about as well if you tell this darned old shoat to take me to my room. Florence Trenchard What does he mean by shoat? Mr. Binny Taking valise. He means me, mum; but what he wants⁠— Asa Trenchard Hurry up, old hoss! Mr. Binny He calls me a ’oss, Miss, I suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an ’ogg. Asa Trenchard Wal, darn me if you ain’t the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa Trenchard. Florence Trenchard Ah! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you⁠—my brother told us to expect you. Asa Trenchard Wal, yes, I guess you do b’long to my family. I’m Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state. You’re my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain’t got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another. Harry Vernon Sir, how dare you? Asa Trenchard Are you one of the family? Cause if you ain’t, you’ve got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn’t be alarmed, I ain’t going to kiss you. Here’s your young man’s letter. Gives letter and attempts to kiss her. Florence Trenchard In the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are welcome, there is mine. Gives her hand, which he shakes heartily. Asa Trenchard That’ll do about as well. I won’t kiss you if you don’t want me to; but if you did, I wouldn’t stop on account of that sailor man. Business of Harry Vernon threatening Asa Trenchard. Oh! now you needn’t get your back up. What an all-fired chap you are. Now if you’ll have me shown to my room, I should like to fix up a bit and put on a clean buzzom. All start. Why, what on earth is the matter with you all? I only spoke because you’re so all-fired go-to-meeting like. Florence Trenchard Show Mr. Trenchard to the red room, Mr. Binny, that is if you are done with it, Mr. Dundreary. Lord Dundreary Yeth, Miss Florence. The room and I have got through with each other, yeth. Asa Trenchard and Lord Dundreary see each other for the first time. Business of recognition, ad lib. Asa Trenchard Concentrated essence of baboons, what on earth is that? Lord Dundreary He’s mad. Yes, Miss Florence, I’ve done with that room. The rooks crowed so that they racked my brain. Asa Trenchard You don’t mean to say that you’ve got any brains. Lord Dundreary No, sir, such a thing never entered my head. The wed indians want to scalp me. Holding hands to his head. Florence Trenchard The red room, then, Mr. Binny. Asa Trenchard To Mr. Binny. Hold on! Examines him. Wal, darn me, but you keep your help in all-fired good order here. Feels of him. This old shoat is fat enough to kill. Hits Mr. Binny in stomach. Mr. Binny runs off, L. 2 E. Mind how you go up stairs, old hoss, or you’ll bust your biler. Exit, L. 3 E. Lord Dundreary Now he thinks Mr. Binny’s an engine and has got a boiler. Florence Trenchard Oh, what fun! Mrs. Mountchessington Old Mark Trenchard died very rich, did he not, Florence? Florence Trenchard Very rich, I believe. Augusta He’s not at all romantic, is he, mamma? Mrs. Mountchessington Aside to her. My dear, I have no doubt he has solid good qualities, and I don’t want you to laugh at him like Florence Trenchard. Augusta No, mamma, I won’t. Florence Trenchard But what are we to do with him? Lord Dundreary Ha! Ha! ha! All What is the matter? Lord Dundreary I’ve got an idea. Florence Trenchard Oh!