Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (classic fiction .txt) 📗

asked you not to do that!!!

TOMMY (Removing jacket): I’ll take it sir.

ARTHUR: How are you feeling Buzz-Todd?

TODD: Fine!

ARTHUR: No symptoms?

TODD: No!

(Phone rings. Tommy rushes to it, dropping Arthur’s jacket on the floor. Todd goes to work on the dinosaur.)

TOMMY: Hello?

ARTHUR: Where’s your mother?

TODD: Upstairs.

ARTHUR: Grace!

TOMMY (Into the phone, irritated): Oh, just a minute.

(Grace enters.)

GRACE: Is that you Arthur? What are you doing home? Isn’t it the afternoon? I’ve lost the thread of the day—

TOMMY (Handing Grace the phone): It’s for you.

GRACE: Thank you, Tommy. Hello?

TOMMY: Can I get you something, sir?

ARTHUR: Privacy.

GRACE (Into the phone): You must be kidding me.

TOMMY (Hostile): I’m just doing my job.

GRACE (Hanging up): This is terrible!

TOMMY: What is it?

GRACE: Arthur, can you play the violin?

ARTHUR: Of course not.

GRACE: Viola?

ARTHUR: Grace!

GRACE: It seems our violinist was killed this morning by a stray bullet during a bank holdup.

TOMMY: Did he work at a bank?

GRACE: He was holding one up.

ARTHUR: Who cares? No one’ll miss one violin from an orchestra.

GRACE: It’s a string quartet.

TODD: Not anymore.

ARTHUR: I have to talk to you Grace.

GRACE (Starting to rush off): Can’t it wait? I have to locate a violin and practice like mad!

ARTHUR: No! Something terrible has happened.

GRACE: Oh I know it. The tent is wrong, the flowers are off, the rabbits malignant, and I’ve got a table full of nuns at twenty-seven.

ARTHUR (Sitting): Get me a drink.

TOMMY (Bitterly): Yessum Massa Duncan. (He exits)

GRACE: I wish, Arthur, you’d say please to the servants. Your curtness is read as ingratitude. You’re the reason we can’t keep good help.

ARTHUR: Don’t criticize me. I’ve had a terrible day.

GRACE: So have I. See your setbacks as challenges. That’s what I do.

TODD: I had a nice day.

GRACE: Did you?

TODD: But I see my setbacks as setbacks.

ARTHUR: Please. I don’t know how to say this—

(Tommy enters with a drink.)

TOMMY: Here.

ARTHUR: Why are you still wearing that?

TOMMY: It’s my uniform.

ARTHUR: I asked you to wear pants.

TOMMY: Mrs. Duncan said—

ARTHUR: It’s awful.

GRACE: It’s snappy.

ARTHUR: It’s faggy.

GRACE: Arthur, please.

ARTHUR: Well, it is. It’s the fruitiest thing I’ve ever seen.

GRACE (Under her breath): You’ll offend Todd.

ARTHUR: Oh, he doesn’t care. Do you Buzz-Todd?

GRACE: Arthur, he’s homosexual.

ARTHUR: That doesn’t mean he’s effeminate.

GRACE: He’ll have another “fit.”

ARTHUR: That’s all behind ya, isn’t it Buzz-Todd?

TODD: No.

TOMMY: I think I look like Tony Curtis in Some Like It Hot!

ARTHUR: I hated that movie.

TOMMY (Hostile): It’s a classic.

GRACE (To Arthur): You never had a sense of humor.

TODD: I found it politically incorrect in it’s portrayal of transvestites as buffoons.

GRACE: Didn’t you have something to tell me? I left Emma on a stool upstairs with pins in her hem.

ARTHUR: Don’t look at me. I don’t think I can say this if anyone is looking at me.

(The others turn away from Arthur.)

GRACE: Oh my. Maybe I should have a drink too.

ARTHUR: What?

GRACE: It sounds as if I’m going to need one.

ARTHUR: Do you have to?

GRACE: Just one.

ARTHUR: It always starts with “just one” doesn’t it?

GRACE (Turning back to Arthur): What does?

ARTHUR: You know very well.

GRACE: I don’t know what you’re talking about—Tommy, a Scotch.

(Tommy rises.)

ARTHUR: Sit down, Tommy.

(Tommy sits.)

I’m asking you not to.

GRACE: If I understood your implication, I’d be insulted. A drink, please.

(Tommy rises.)

ARTHUR: Sit Tommy.

(Tommy sits.)

GRACE: Stand Tommy.

(Tommy rises.)

ARTHUR: Grace, it’s not even four.

GRACE: So what?

ARTHUR: If you start now, you’ll be gone by dinner.

GRACE: Gone? Gone where? Try to avoid the vague euphemism.

TOMMY: Would you like me to leave?

ARTHUR: That would be best.

(Tommy starts to exit.)

GRACE: Stay put Tommy.

(Tommy sits.)

If Mr. Duncan wishes to hurl ugly accusations, let him do so in public. What are you trying to say, Arthur?

ARTHUR: You’re an alcoholic, Grace.

GRACE (Very still): What did you say to me?

TODD: He called you an alcoholic.

ARTHUR: I wish you wouldn’t drink so much!

GRACE: What’s “so much”?

ARTHUR: You drink yourself blind every night.

GRACE: You call that “so much”? Please.

ARTHUR: Your drinking is out of control!

GRACE: I don’t have a problem! Todd! Am I an alcoholic?

TODD: Of course.

GRACE: Speak up.

TODD: Yes. You’re an alcoholic.

GRACE: Oh piffle! I don’t have a problem! You’re the one with the problem, Arthur!

ARTHUR: I know this is a difficult time. We’re all under a lot of strain. Buzz-Todd’s sick. There’s a big dead thing in the living room—

GRACE (Snapping): You wouldn’t know if I were drinking or dying—(To Todd) Sorry.

ARTHUR: Fine! I don’t want to discuss it!

GRACE: I could have left you years ago and you’d never know it! You’re never here!

ARTHUR: I’m always here—

GRACE: Were you home for dinner last night? Or the night before?

TOMMY: I slave and slave over a hot stove.

ARTHUR: Well, why bother! You’d be passed out in the tub!

GRACE: Were you!

ARTHUR: I was working!!

TOMMY: Likely excuse.

ARTHUR: Night and day! To satisfy your insatiable need for “things!”

GRACE: You delude yourself, Arthur! You always have. Justify your philandering! I’m a drunk so you can assuage your guilt over being less than a father and less than a husband. But I’ve told you, Arthur, your indiscretion is immaterial to me. I learned a long time ago to replace you in my affections, as you had me in yours. Now. What did you want to tell me?

ARTHUR (Sweetly, cruel): It pains me to say this, Grace. But the fact is, I no longer have a job.

(Pause.)

GRACE: Pardon me?

ARTHUR: That’s it. That’s what I wanted to tell you. It’s over. It’s all over. Finished. Done.

GRACE (Still stunned): What are you talking about?

ARTHUR: I have been asked to step down.

GRACE: Well, decline politely!

ARTHUR: It’s not that simple.

GRACE: You’re the president, Arthur!

ARTHUR: Was dear. Was the president. Past tense.

GRACE: You’re lying.

ARTHUR: Why would I lie about a thing like this?

GRACE: This is a dream. I’m living a dream—

ARTHUR: It’s no dream. It’s over. And I must say, I feel so free. I feel comfortable for the first time.

GRACE (Simply): What happened?

ARTHUR: It’s complicated.

GRACE: Explain it to me!

ARTHUR: In time.

GRACE: Now!

ARTHUR: I feel as if a terrible burden has been lifted. I feel lighter.

GRACE: How dare you?

ARTHUR: It wasn’t my choice Grace.

GRACE: Women I could tolerate. Not poverty!

ARTHUR: We can spend more time together.

GRACE