Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (classic fiction .txt) 📗

(After a moment, a threat): What did you do?

ARTHUR (Not recognizing the word): Do? I’m sorry.

GRACE: You were at that bank for thirty years!

ARTHUR: Good years.

GRACE: You were president for ten!

ARTHUR: Wonderful years.

GRACE: Things don’t just happen—you did something!

ARTHUR: I did my best.

GRACE: Did you steal? Did you embezzle?

ARTHUR: I feel positively liberated.

GRACE: STOP SAYING THAT.

ARTHUR: So sorry. Buzz-Todd, a catch?

TODD: No, thank you.

ARTHUR: Aw.

GRACE: You did something! I know it! You did this on purpose! This has been a terrible goddamn—did you see that tent!!?—EXCUSE ME!! (She runs off)

ARTHUR (After a moment): I think that went very well.

TODD: What did you do?

ARTHUR: I didn’t do anything.

TODD: Don’t lie to me. I can tell.

ARTHUR: I need some air.

(Arthur exits onto the terrace. Todd turns to the dinosaur.)

TODD: I’m almost finished.

TOMMY: I’m going to die.

TODD: You said that.

TOMMY: I’m scared!

TODD: Everybody dies. Grow up.

TOMMY: I’ve been to the doctor.

TODD: Doctors are sadists.

TOMMY: I’ve had a blood test.

TODD: Doctors are idiots.

TOMMY: He should call.

TODD: What difference does it make?

TOMMY: It makes a difference to me!

TODD: You blame me, don’t you?

TOMMY: I want to.

TODD (Working on the dinosaur): Do you realize some species of dinosaur cannibalized themselves?

TOMMY: But I love you.

TODD: Did you know the brachiosaurus ate the eggs of its young?

TOMMY: No I didn’t! I said I love you!

TODD: Lower your voice. Someone’ll hear you.

TOMMY: I don’t care! I’m going to die, what do I care who hears me? You’re the only thing that matters to me now.

TODD: That’s extremely flattering.

TOMMY: Look at me!

TODD (Does so): You can live a long time. You can live forever with this disease.

TOMMY: I dreamed, last night, that I was dying.

TODD: Me too.

TOMMY: You dreamed you were dying?

TODD: No. I dreamed you were.

TOMMY: Creepy.

TODD: You were in a forest.

TOMMY: That’s right.

TODD: You were choking. You were drowning. You were coughing. It was awful.

TOMMY: And you held me.

TODD: No. I wasn’t there.

TOMMY (Grabbing Todd): Don’t do this to me!

TODD: Let go of me!

TOMMY: I need you! It’s my own fault, I knew what I was doing, and I didn’t care! I wanted it. Every night, I decided. But please, say I matter. Stay with me.

(Tommy is distraught. In a rare moment of softness, Todd comforts him.)

TODD: All right. It’s all right.

(They embrace.)

TOMMY: My life was a series of random accidents. Now everything seems ordered.

TODD: Avoid clichés.

TOMMY: You make me happy?

(They kiss. Emma rushes down the stairs.)

EMMA: Mother, are you ever—oh my.

(Tommy and Todd break their embrace. Phone rings. Emma answers it.)

Hello?

TOMMY: Is that for me?

EMMA (Into the phone): No, this is her daughter.

TODD: I’ll leave the two of you alone.

TOMMY: Don’t!

EMMA (Into the phone): Yes, I’ll tell her, crab claws. Thank you. (She hangs up) Tommy? What, um, was going on, before, when I came down the stairs? What was happening?

TOMMY: Well, Emma, I was kissing your brother. And I’m glad you came in. I don’t want to hurt you—but I have to be honest. And the truth is, I love Todd. I’m in love with Todd.

EMMA: What? Huh? What? What?

TOMMY: I said I’m in love with Todd.

EMMA (After a moment, gaily): I’M DEAF!

TOMMY: What?

EMMA: I AM! I’M DEAF! I’M STONE-COLD DEAF!

TOMMY: Don’t play games.

EMMA: I KNOW YOU’RE TALKING. I CAN SEE YOUR LIPS MOVING AND YOUR CHEST IS GOING UP AND DOWN—

TODD: Let me try.

EMMA: FUNNY HOW IT JUST COMES OVER A GIRL.

TODD: EMMA! EMMA! CAN YOU HEAR ME? CAN YOU HEAR ME EMMA?

EMMA (Banging her ears): HUH? HUH? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

TODD: She’s faking.

TOMMY: Really?

TODD: She hears you. She’s faking.

TOMMY: What should I do?

TODD: Just talk. She hears you.

EMMA: WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

TOMMY: EMMA. I’M SORRY.

EMMA: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

TOMMY: SAY YOU UNDERSTAND.

EMMA: I HEAR SOMETHING!

TOMMY: SAY YOU FORGIVE ME.

EMMA: I HEAR A SONG!

TODD: SHE HEARS YOU.

EMMA: A Johnny Mercer song. Or Hoagy Carmichael! I ALWAYS GET THEM CONFUSED.

TOMMY: I CAN’T MARRY YOU. BUT I’LL ALWAYS CARE ABOUT YOU. YOU’RE A KIND SWEET INSANE PERSON AND I HOPE YOU FIND WHO YOU’RE LOOKING FOR.

EMMA (Continuing in good cheer): I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND THAT I’M DEAF. I KNOW SOME MEN WOULD BUT SOME WOULD LIKE IT. IT WON’T MATTER. KNOW WHY? BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND OUR LOVE CAN SUSTAIN DEAFNESS! WE’RE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY!

(Grace enters from the kitchen, drink in hand, wickedly bright.)

GRACE: LET’S REHEARSE!

(Emma doesn’t respond. She is deaf.)

TOMMY: We’ve got to talk, Mrs. Duncan—

GRACE: Tomorrow you travel from servant to son, call me Grace—

TOMMY: But—

GRACE (To Todd): Where’s your father?

TODD: Out there.

GRACE: Be a cherub and get him. Go, go, go, go, go.

(Todd exits onto the terrace.)

TOMMY: You don’t understand Mrs. Duncan.

GRACE: Grace means beauty of form, proportion and movement, please address me thus.

TOMMY: All right, Grace, it’s about the wedding—

GRACE: Which needs the nurturing and attention of a hothouse orchid.

(Todd and Arthur enter from the terrace.)

ARTHUR: What is it?

GRACE: We’re going to rehearse!

ARTHUR: Rehearse what, for God’s sake?

GRACE: The wedding, you squid.

ARTHUR: Have you been drinking?

GRACE: I am naturally gregarious!! Now, tomorrow morning—

TOMMY: Listen to me!

GRACE: We’ll talk later.

TODD: There’s no judge.

GRACE: He can wing it—

TOMMY: MRS. DUNCAN!

GRACE: Oh what is it!?

TOMMY: There’s not going to be a wedding.

GRACE: What?

ARTHUR: Thank God.

TOMMY: I’m sorry, but the wedding is off.

GRACE: Emma! What do you have to say about this?

(In response, Emma stands and bursts into a grotesquely cheerful performance of “Skylark” by Hoagy Carmichael and Johnny Mercer. She continues to sing under the dialogue until her exit.)

What? What does that mean?

ARTHUR: What’s wrong with her?

TOMMY: She seems to be deaf.

ARTHUR: Oh my God! My baby!

TODD: She hears music.

TOMMY: Johnny Mercer.

ARTHUR: Pumpkin.

GRACE: Oh that’s nothing. That’s hysterical deafness. I had it on my wedding day.

ARTHUR: Can you hear me?

GRACE: It’s nothing!—Now, Emma you go upstairs and come down during “Here Comes the Bride,” Todd, you be the judge over there by the terrace, Emma go upstairs, Arthur you stand on the stairs and take Emma when she passes, Emma go now, I’ll have come down first in my Christian Lacroix and I’ll join Todd, by the