Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (classic fiction .txt) 📗

judge at the door—Arthur just push her, she’ll go—

(Arthur starts Emma with a push. She exits upstairs. Grace continues her high-speed directions.)

Tommy, you enter from the kitchen, with your best man, that Father O’Hara, and go directly to the judge, who’s Todd, and Todd, and myself.

TOMMY: I don’t love your daughter! I can’t marry her! The wedding is off!

GRACE (After a moment): There will be a wedding. You listen to me: Two hundred and fifty people—eight of them nuns— are descending on this house tomorrow, and you can trust me, they will be treated to a wedding! A beautiful, expensive and excessive affair! Thirteen kinds of hors d’oeuvres! Aubergine orchids, burnt ochre stripes and a string trio playing “La Vie en Rose”!!

TOMMY: But I don’t love her—

GRACE: So what!! As you may or may not have heard, for reasons passing understanding, I am about to be stripped of the amenities to which I’ve grown accustomed! Plunged into poverty! And this wedding, this social event, this bacchanalian carnival of rapacious consumption, shall be my last hurrah! My fond farewell to all I care about, need, love and have worked for all my life! So mark my words, there will be a wedding!! PLACES!!!!

(As they scatter to their places in fear, Grace maniacally sings Mendelssohn’s “Wedding March.”)

Da da da da! Da da da—

(The phone rings.)

TOMMY: I’ll get it!!!

GRACE: STAY. (She answers the phone) Hello?

TOMMY: Is that for me?

GRACE (Into the phone): He can’t. I’ll take a message.

TOMMY (Kneeling at her feet): Give me the phone!

GRACE (Into the phone, cheery): Blood test positive. Thank you doctor, okeydoke. (She hangs up the phone)

TOMMY: Oh my God.

GRACE (Turning to the stairs): EMMA! (Singing) Da da da da! Da da da da! Da da da da da da da—

(There is a gunshot. Todd steps out of the scene into a pool of light.)

TODD: And then it got very, very cold.

(Lights shift as Todd and Tommy exchange a look of farewell.)

SCENE 2

A WALK IN THE PARK

The lights come up on Todd and the dinosaur, now complete—a giant skeleton towering over the room. Todd addresses the audience.

TODD: And it was a tyrannosaurus rex. Named from the Latin, meaning king lizard. And it was the largest land-living carnivore who walked the earth. And it was beautiful. He lived in the Cretaceous period of the Mesozoic era, one hundred and fifty million years ago. He is recognized by his large head, small forelimbs, and dagger-like teeth. He started life at fifty pounds and grew to sixty tons, unless he died, as mine, a child, for reasons no one can remember, because no one was alive.

(Todd curls up under the dinosaur. The general lighting comes up, revealing the room, no longer grand, but gray and dreary. Outside it is winter. There is a bottle of Scotch and a glass on the end table. Grace enters from the kitchen; her dress is now threadbare. She wears an afghan around her shoulders. Her high-flown chatter has been replaced with an alcoholic snarl. She carries a bowl of cereal and a spoon. She sits. She holds the bowl to her ear and listens.)

GRACE: Damn. I’ve been robbed.

TODD: What?

GRACE (To the dinosaur): What?

TODD: You said something.

GRACE (To Todd): I didn’t know you were there.

TODD: What’d you say?

GRACE: You want to keep me company?

TODD: What did you say?

GRACE: I asked if you want to keep me company.

TODD: Before that.

GRACE: Oh. I said, “I’ve been robbed.”

TODD: What are you talking about?

GRACE: My cereal is supposed to make noise.

TODD: Like music?

GRACE: Like popping or something.

TODD (Going to her): You’re eating Cornflakes.

GRACE: So?

TODD: Rice Krispies make noise. Cornflakes are silent.

GRACE: Oh . . . how’s your fever?

TODD: Normal.

GRACE: Is it cold in here?

TODD: No.

GRACE: Check the thermostat.

TODD: The thermostat’s broken.

GRACE: Maybe I’m going through the change.

TODD: If you were going through “the change” you’d have hot flashes, not cold flashes.

GRACE: Are you a gynecologist?

TODD: No.

GRACE: You’re a woman then?

TODD: No.

GRACE: Then what would you know about menopause?

TODD (Starting to exit): I’m going upstairs.

GRACE: No don’t. Keep me company. I miss everybody.

TODD: You never liked them to begin with.

GRACE: I like you.

TODD: Thanks.

GRACE: We’re so much alike.

TODD: So you say—

GRACE: We have the same interests—

TODD: So often.

GRACE: We have the same temperament. We like the same things.

TODD: Stop saying that.

GRACE: The same music. The same kind of people.

TODD: I’m not you. I’m me. I’m not like you. I’m like me.

GRACE: You see? It would drive me crazy too—if someone kept saying I were like them.

TODD (Snapping at her): Can we talk about something else?

GRACE: I always change the subject. Typical.

TODD (Going up the stairs): I’m going upstairs.

GRACE: I go upstairs! See? You see?

TODD: Mother!

GRACE: I’m sorry. I won’t do it anymore. I’ll just sit and eat my Cornflakes.

TODD: Good.

GRACE (After a moment): I miss Emma.

TODD (Returning): Did you like her?

GRACE: Of course. What do you mean?

TODD: I don’t.

GRACE: Don’t what?

TODD: Miss her.

GRACE: She was your sister.

TODD: I know that. How long have you been drinking?

GRACE: Twenty years.

TODD: I meant today.

GRACE: So did I.

TODD: You better eat your Cornflakes.

GRACE: I hate them.

TODD: Well, you’re supposed to add milk.

GRACE: We didn’t have any.

TODD: Well, no wonder you can’t eat them.

GRACE: Why don’t you miss your sister?

TODD: I don’t know—

GRACE: Do you miss Tommy?

TODD: Who?

GRACE: Tommy. Tommy. The maid. Tommy.

TODD: Oh. I suppose.

GRACE: Me too.

TODD: He was a good maid.

GRACE: We’d have milk.

TODD: It’s true.

GRACE (Going to the French doors): He went so fast. It was sad. It’s good he choked, drowned. He got so ugly, all purple and swollen. (She turns and looks out at the yard. She focuses on something specific, then quickly turns back to Todd) We should bury him, Todd.

TODD: The ground is frozen.

GRACE: Come look at him.

TODD: I’d rather not.

GRACE: He looks so sad.

TODD: Naturally he looks sad. He’s dead.

GRACE: We should bury him.

TODD: The ground’s too hard.

GRACE: It’s not right.

TODD: Who sees him?

GRACE: That’s not the point!

TODD: If no one sees him, it doesn’t matter!

GRACE: It’s not right—

TODD: What does that mean?!

GRACE: You know