Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody by Fanny Merkin (reading an ebook .TXT) 📗

would our friendship change? I have to admit that our friendship has already changed as a result of Earl Grey, who brought all the sexual tension that had been simmering for years between me and Jin to the surface. And now that tension is simmering in Jin’s cutoff jean shorts. It would be so easy to just lean over, unbutton his shorts, and—

There’s a knock at the door. Oh no! Is it Earl Grey?

Nope. My dad opens the door. Jin takes his hand off me.

“Oh, sorry—didn’t know you had company,” my dad says.

“This is Jin,” I say. “He’s a brony.”

Jin shakes my father’s hand.

“This isn’t the feller who landed you in the hospital, is it?”

I shake my head. “No, Dad. That was Earl Grey.”

“You kids grow up so fast,” my dad says. “One minute, you’re watching Barney and the Teletubbies. The next, you’re being fingered by some brony. You kids have fun. I’m taking a couple of Ambien and hitting the hay. Don’t stay up too late.”

He shuts the door and I’m alone again. With Jin.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “He tends to say really inappropriate things.”

Jin laughs. “Now I see where you get it from.”

Suddenly, Earl Grey emerges from beneath the bed!

Chapter Twenty-nine

HELLO, ANNA,” Earl says, dusting himself off. He’s wearing his suit and smiley-face tie again. I remember the tie well . . .

I stand up to distance myself from Jin. “Whatever you think was happening, it wasn’t,” I say.

“What if I think nothing was happening? Does that mean something was happening?” Earl says.

“I’m confused,” I say.

“What else is new?” Jin mutters.

“Don’t worry,” Earl says to me. “Someone’s about to get fingered in this room, and it isn’t you.”

“Did you just threaten to finger me?” Jin says, standing up. His muscles ripple angrily.

Oh no. Not another fight. Jin will never forgive himself if he lets his anger overtake him again. Plus he only has one testicle left. “Both of you—STOP!” I shout.

They look at me. “Stay out of this, Anna,” they say in unison.

“Jinx,” Earl says.

Jin swears silently under his breath. If he talks now, Earl can hit him. It’s the jinx code.

I shake my head. “Un-jinx him, Earl. Don’t you get it? If you fight each other over me, you both lose.”

“Just tell me one thing, Anna—is the baby mine . . . or his?” Earl says.

Jin looks at me. He is heartbroken. “You have a bun in the oven, Anna?”

Earl raises a fist to hit Jin in the arm for breaking the jinx code. I grab his hand and prevent him from punching Jin. “You know I can’t bake,” I say.

“I was talking about you being knocked up,” Jin says.

“Oh. That. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” I say.

Jin shakes his head. “You’re lying,” he says.

“No,” I say. “I’m carrying Earl’s baby.”

“You’re no better than those pregnant sixteen-year-olds on MTV that Kathleen is obsessed with,” he says.

“Take that back,” I say. “I’m not sixteen. And I would never be on a reality TV show.”

“Sounds kind of funny coming from a girl whose personal physician is Dr. Drew,” Jin says. “Face it, Anna: you’ve changed.”

“Have I? Or have I just grown up?”

Jin frowns. “This isn’t how things are supposed to end. You know it.” He might be upset, but at least his anger seems to have dissipated.

“I’m sorry, Jin,” I say. “Maybe you can fall in love with the baby when he grows up?”

Earl scowls at me.

“Or maybe not,” I say. “Look, the point is, there are plenty of ponies in the sea.”

“Yeah, and they’re called ‛seahorses,’” Jin says, sulking.

“You know what I mean,” I say. “Being a friend sometimes means you have to let your friends go.”

Jin sighs. “You’re right. Instead of being happy for you, I’ve been jealous. I wish I could control my emotions better. If I’ve learned anything, though, it’s that being a brony is a continual journey and not a destination. I’m going to leave now, and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. But I sincerely hope you and Earl Grey are happy together.”

“Thank you. That means a lot to me,” I say, opening my arms and embracing Jin in a long hug. I feel his hands creeping down my back and when they’re almost at my butt Earl clears his throat.

“Goodbye, Anna,” Jin says, letting go of me.

“Goodbye, Jin,” I say. “And good luck.”

Jin and Earl stand face-to-face again. Earl taps him playfully on his naked bicep. “That’s for breaking the jinx code,” Earl says.

“Be good to her,” Jin says, extending an open hand.

Earl shakes it. “I will be.”

Jin tries to open the window screen but it won’t budge. “You weren’t kidding about it being stuck,” he says. He walks out the door instead, shutting it behind him.

Earl embraces me. “When I got your e-mail, I was worried about who the father was. I’m just glad the kid won’t have a dad who collects plastic toy ponies.”

“I think Jin is still finding himself. He has his own journey ahead,” I say. “Thank you for not having him brutally murdered or something.”

“I was never too worried that he could take you from me. Remind me later to cancel the hit I put out on him, though,” Earl says, confidently placing a hand on my shoulder. I melt at his touch. My inner guidette spins in circles until she collapses in a dizzy heap.

“I applied for a new job this week,” I say, trying to avoid the baby in the room.

“At Amazon,” he says.

“How did you know? Don’t tell me you bought them too . . .”

Earl laughs. “I already owned them. Don’t worry, though—I won’t interfere with your career.”

“Thanks. That means a lot to me,” I say. “I’ve also been meaning to ask how your mother is.”

“Physically? She’s alive, which is more than you can say about most Walmart greeters,” he says. “Emotionally? We’ve got a long road ahead of us to patch up our relationship.”

There’s an awkward pause. He could very well be talking about our relationship.

“I’m sorry