Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody by Fanny Merkin (reading an ebook .TXT) 📗

scrubs over his suit, follows me, holding my hand every step of the way.

The next twenty minutes are a blur of doctors, nurses, and epidurals. I close my eyes, and can’t feel anything. Thank God. I turn my head to Earl, and he smiles weakly. I feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness, but perk up when the obstetrician finally says the magic words: “Here’s your son.”

Earl is holding the newborn swaddled in a blanket. The baby’s face is wrinkled, and his dark hair is matted down, but he’s alive. And cute. His eyes are closed and he looks so peaceful. Chris Grey. Our baby.

Baby Chris’s eyes open. They’re gray just like his father’s. Baby Chris smiles wickedly, and flashes his pointed vampire teeth. Wait—his what?!

I look up at Earl, who smiles and flashes his own pointed fangs. “I guess there’s something we need to talk about,” he says. The baby gazes at me, and I gaze at him, and then Earl gazes at me, and then we all take turns gazing at each other gazingly.

BOARDROOM HOTTIES

VOL. 14, ISSUE 3

“Earl Grey & Anna Steal Married in Seattle”

A BOARDROOM HOTTIES EXCLUSIVE BY KATHLEEN KRAVEN

Three months after the birth of their first child, the Earl Grey Corporation’s resident hottie Earl Grey and his fiancée, Amazon warehouse employee Anna Steal, have tied the knot. The couple was married in a hush-hush ceremony in Seattle’s newly renovated Space Needle this April—and Boardroom Hotties was there with the exclusive!

Earl, 28, and Anna, 22, began dating nearly a year ago and caused an uproar when they “came out” in public at Earl’s drunk diving charity ball. It also caused a stir around the Boardroom Hotties office, mainly because we had all assumed the mysterious Earl Grey batted for the other team. Not so!

Longtime Boardroom Hotties readers may remember Earl and Anna’s close call last year, when their helicopter crashed into the Space Needle. Thankfully, Earl escaped without a scratch on his gorgeous face. Anna’s injuries were more severe, but she recovered quickly thanks to celebrity doctor Drew Pinsky. Thirty-two tourists lost their lives in the accident, which totaled the historic landmark. Earl financed reconstruction of the towering structure, and the Space Needle now stands over 1,800 feet tall—nearly three times its previous height. Word on the street is that its new distinctive pinkish hue and “veiny” appearance are modeled after Earl’s own “space needle.” This reporter was unable to confirm the likeness, unfortunately.

The wedding ceremony was attended by close friends and family only. The groom’s side of the aisle was packed with local celebrities, including Earl’s adoptive father (and 1986 Boardroom Hottie of the Month) Bill Gates. The bride’s nudist mother and stepfather made for some interesting family portraits!

The bride wore a tasteful white Louis Vuitton for Target bridal gown designed specifically for the occasion; the groom wore Tom Ford (literally—he draped the designer over his shoulders). Standing up for the couple were this reporter (as the maid of honor, celebrating eleven months of sobriety) and best man Tom Cruise. The ceremony was officiated by the Reverend Brent Spiner.

The happy newlyweds will be honeymooning with their infant son at Triassic Safari, Earl’s private dinosaur park in Hawaii that he totally thought of way before Michael Crichton wrote Jurassic Park.

Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames

The Complete, Unexpurgated List

1. Shopping at Walmart on Saturdays

2. Bondage with handcuffs

3. Plays BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery, and Magick)

4. Mancrush on Tom Cruise, even after all the Scientology/ Katie Holmes BS

5. Spanking

6. Actually likes the taste of Bud Light

7. Whipping

8. Flogging

9. Cried when Oprah went off the air, but never found the time to watch her cable channel

10. Caning

11. Backdoor sex

12. Prefers Jay Leno over David Letterman

13. Teabagging

14. Nipple clamps

15. Doesn’t understand why everyone hated the

Star Wars

prequels so much

16. Thought Jerry Seinfeld was the funniest part of

Seinfeld

17. Bath & Body Works Signature Collection Coconut Lime Breeze body wash

18. Cock rings

19. Doesn’t get

Mad Men

—like, at all

20. Uses a PC laptop with an Apple sticker covering the Dell logo

21. Steals Wi-Fi from neighbors

22. Finds it incredibly erotic when women pick their noses

23. Nickelback

24. Only flosses teeth the week before a scheduled dentist appointment

25. Watches

Titanic

at least once a year, and laughs every time when that guy hits the propeller

26. Team Jacob

27. Trolls Craigslist for dates

28. Wishes Katy Perry and Russell Brand would reunite, because they were so good together

29. Thought Heath Ledger was “just okay” as the Joker

30. Olive Garden is his favorite Italian restaurant

31. Bondage with rope

32. Pays women to live-action role play (LARP)

33. Never finished reading Ayn Rand’s

Atlas Shrugged

34. Watches professional wrestling religiously even though he knows it’s not “real”

35.

Gossip Girl

36. Can’t remember the last time he trimmed his toenails

37. Makes frequent references to

Snakes on a Plane,

even though it wasn’t even funny to do so when the movie was in theaters

38. Vibrators

39. Thinks Tim Burton is kind of overrated

40. Wishes everyone would just leave Kristen Stewart alone

41. Lesbian porn doesn’t really do it for him

42. Can eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in under half a minute

43. Thinks Jeff Foxworthy is hilarious

44. Snowballing

45. Thinks you just can’t beat a good floral-print Hawaiian shirt

46. Kind of thought George W. Bush was decent as commander in chief

47. Butt plugs

48.

16 and Pregnant

49. Pegging

50. Reads erotic romance novels

AN EXCERPT FROM

Fifty Shames in Space

Earl Grey bends me over the railing overlooking the vast, alien jungle and takes me from behind. In our rush to get busy, we have stripped off only the minimal amount of clothing necessary, and are making love with our pants around our ankles and the rest of our space clothing untouched. The twenty-pound jetpack is still strapped to my back; it takes an eternity to get completely out of our space battle gear, and neither of us can wait another ten minutes to get hot and heavy.

As we bone under Xenux’s twin moons, I think about all that’s happened since the birth of our son: the human-vampire war, the invading alien forces that exploded the