The Wave by Kristen Crusoe (ebook reader online txt) 📗

She looked around her office, at the books stacked on shelves, on the floor, hovering in piles on side tables. Manuscripts of her doctoral students waited for her review. She had passed them on to fellow faculty so her illness wouldn’t interfere with their progress, but she wanted to read them herself, comment and provide feedback. She had taught and shepherded them through their early years, learning how to apply evidence to questions, and more importantly, how to ask the right questions.

A knock sounded, then a soft ‘Hello’ as her office door opened a crack. A head showed around the edge of the door, red hair, beard first, then massive shoulders followed.

‘Emil, come in,’ she called, standing and walking around her desk. She was scooped up in a bear hug, causing her to grunt.

‘Oh God, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?’ he asked, setting her down gently.

‘No,’ she laughed, ‘I just felt like a balloon being gutted. Kidding, Emil.’

Stepping back, she looked at him. Long her best friend on campus, Dr Emil Marchand had been absent from her life since Devon died. She had banished him, like so many others who had tried to help her. Time to make amends, she thought. She motioned to a corner of the office where a small, round table held a stack of texts and manuscripts, circled by two hard-backed wooden chairs.

‘Here, let’s sit. I get dizzy if I stand too long.’

Looking at him, she felt a deep pang of remorse.

‘God, Emil, I am so sorry. I was out of my mind, you know,’ she said, leaning forward, pushing aside a stack of papers.

‘I just couldn’t face anyone. And then, after my crack up, well, I was embarrassed. I’ve been gone, but I feel like I can come back, different now, but here, doing my work, again. If Raj and the powers that be agree, that is. Hoping my tenure survives this.’

‘Clair, it’s OK. I understand. I didn’t take it personally, well not too much. As you can see, I did lose about twenty pounds grieving though. So that was helpful.’

Relieved that he was turning to his usual bantering, even though she could see tears glistening in his eyes, it began to feel like old times.

‘Seriously, Emil, I just didn’t have the heart for anyone or anything but my grief. I’m not going to say I’m a hundred per cent better but I am working my way towards better. And Adam, he has forgiven me. We’re trying to be a couple again too.’

Frowning, Emil said, ‘Hmm, that was the one thing that disappointed me Clair, that you didn’t actually kill the bastard.’

‘I know how you feel, how you’ve always felt about him. But he confessed to me that he never actually had a relationship with any of those women. I believe him, Emil. At least, I do so want to.’

‘Clair, I knew Adam and you both before you got together. And I can tell you that he did. Before you, I mean. He was a total misogynistic womanizer. Especially with Claudia. After your marriage, it was more subtle but I am not convinced he didn’t mess around. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to keep you from getting hurt.’

‘Emil, I know that was how it was in the past, but we’re trying, I’m trying to get past that. We must move forward now. Adam has promised me that he has been faithful since we married, and I choose to believe him. Let’s not do this now, please. I just want to get back to some form of normal.’

Emil began to say something, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. Waving his arm at her, nodding an OK, he opened the door and a group of students eased in, surrounding Clair.

‘Dr Mercer,’ a young woman in her early twenties exclaimed. ‘It’s so great to see you.’

‘Hi, Emma, Josh, Leslie. Come in, it’s good to see you all. How is your work going?’

Emil walked through the open door, turning back to say, ‘Clair, it’s so good to have you back. I’ll call and we’ll talk, soon. And, I wouldn’t worry about Raj. I’ll talk to him. He owes me after teaching his summer term last year so he could go sailing around the Galapagos.’

Clair smiled, nodded goodbye, and settled down to listen to her students, reveling in their stories of breakthroughs and frustrations.

Word spread quickly through the building. Soon other students, faculty and even maintenance staff dropped in to say hello and welcome back. Clair was moved and surprised. In her mind, she was a loner. A professional who did her work, engaged in social events as much as required but had not ever seen herself or thought others saw her as anyone special. That so many people seemed to genuinely care astounded her. She felt those waves of emotion course through her over and over throughout the afternoon until before she knew it, dusk was falling. Adam hadn’t come to collect her so she gathered her coat, looked around her office, now strewn with paper cups of coffee, soda cans, and chip packets, from their impromptu celebration.

With a satisfied heart, she closed her door, and walked out into the crisp, cold air, the sunlight ebbing into streaks of purple and gray across the western sky. Lighter than she had felt in months, she lifted her chest, still feeling the tugs of severed flesh and muscle, but not pain. No more pain, she chanted to herself, pulling her shoulders back even more. Breathing deeply, catching the scent of curry from the food truck on the corner. She realized she was hungry. Maybe she and Adam could walk over to one of the campus food trucks and get a takeout. Her steps quickened as she thought about home, for the first time with joyful anticipation, not dread.

* * *

It had been such a small thing. Her hope. Fatigue was beginning to envelop her as it did without warning,