Me Life Story by Scarlett Moffatt (best classic books of all time txt) 📗

a celery stick. That’s why me, Sam, Ola Jordan and Carol would sit on our hammock and cry with laughter watching Lisa cook. She would try every single vegetable and fruit to decipher what it was.

‘That looks like an apple that, Lisa,’ I’d say.

‘Let me just take a little chunk out of it. Yeah, you’re right, it’s an apple.’

She had the right idea being the cook; you would be full from sampling before your food even hit your tin canister.

I loved our chats by the camp fire. ‘Lisa, apart from your family and loved ones, what do you miss the most?’

‘Hot showers and a nice bubbly bath, what about you?’

‘I miss condiments; I would bathe in a bath of offal if it meant I could have a pinch of salt with this meal.’ To be honest I smelt like offal for most of my time in Australia. Noddy changed his bloody clothes more than me.

While I literally looked like I had been born and raised in the jungle Outback with my ferrel hair, bug-bitten skin and the fact Adam and Joel washed my bra in cooking oil so I had a constant whiff of a greasy café, Ola Jordan was glowing. We were all already used to seeing Ola with all of her fake tan, make-up and beautiful gowns on Strictly but she looked even better without it all on. Ola had a beautiful tan and she was strutting around in a bikini with no wobbly bits at all. It was remarkable, sometimes I would watch her walk and literally nothing would wobble. She would use the mosquito repellent as a shimmer oil for her legs and made little bandanas. Meanwhile I had to use a belt on my actual knickers because I’d lost so much weight my arse was always hanging out of my shorts.

As a massive ballroom and Latin lover obviously I wanted to become best friends with Ola; she is the princess of dance. To get as far as she has in the dance world is incredible and I have such admiration for her. It takes dedication, drive, hard work, skill and patience to get to where she has. I would love listening to her stories about Strictly. She used that competitiveness and drive in all of her tasks – she was a little pocket rocket. The time me and her had to go head to head and down fish guts was gross. Although Ola won, technically we both lost. Even with half a tube of the au naturel green tea toothpaste, our breath still stank of carp.

From one dancer to another, I loved spending time with Jordan Banjo. He is a prime example of how you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Now I try to never ever judge but first impressions count and because I’d met hunky men like Jordan before I must admit I thought he was going to be a little bit cocky and arrogant. Knowing that he is part of the huge dance troupe Diversity, once dated Little Mix’s Jesy Nelson and is about eight foot tall with a ten-pack, I thought he was going to ooze with confidence. I couldn’t have been further from the truth. What a gentle giant. He is actually quite shy and isn’t the massive party animal I thought he would be; in fact I found out that he actually doesn’t drink alcohol at all and he is as close to his family as I am.

Me and Jordan also had a shared passion. I’m not talking about dancing, I’m talking about naps. Actually naps sounds too childish, let’s call them ‘horizontal life pauses’. We both had at least an hour’s worth of horizontal life pauses a day. With me being just five foot I was as snug as a bug in my hammock; I looked like a little parcel of ravioli all neatly tucked away. Jordan, on the other hand, being six foot five, looked like a sausage roll in his hammock, with his head and feet poking out. I’ll be honest, that is half the reason I was so shocked I even made the final three, never mind won, because I thought the show would just be cut-aways of me drooling in my hammock.

Another camp mate who completely shocked me was Wayne Bridge. I had heard so many stories about footballers and how they’re bigheads. Well Bridgey is not one of those. He is one of the most humble and sweetest guys ever. He loves his wife and children so much, when he would chat about them you could see his eyes bursting with pride. I really wanted him to get to the final because I know he would have loved the Cyclone so much (the huge slip and slide which is super fun but results in you being bruised). He looked out for everybody and without realising it entertained most of the girls with his campfire routine doing one-armed press-ups whilst making sure the fire was roaring. Obviously being a footballer he was super competitive and when me and him went up against each other in a challenge where we were covered in this honey stuff and bugs were dropped on us, he genuinely felt guilty about winning. ‘I should have let you win, Scarlett.’

‘Of course you shouldn’t have, Wayne, you won fair and square. Go and enjoy the bloody banquet and stop being daft.’ He is the sort of guy I want my little sister to marry when she is older.

Me and my dad met up with him and his wife Frankie recently actually, as we share a love of The Walking Dead. We went to this Walking Dead screening of an unseen episode. To be honest that’s the only premiére sort of thing I’ve ever been to. I am so pleased I did because – and I’m writing this with a huge smile on my face – I met Jesus. (Not the actual Jesus as in God’s son, but Paul ‘Jesus’ Monroe,