Me Life Story by Scarlett Moffatt (best classic books of all time txt) 📗

‘Do you know, it depends what time of year it is,’ I said.

‘What?’ Martin snapped.

‘So at Christmas time it’s all about the hearty biscuits that make you feel warm inside. I’m talking chocolate digestives, chocolate Hobnobs and ginger snaps. Summer time it’s all about the light biscuits. Your Rich Teas and custard creams. Any other time of year you can have a bourbon with a cup of Yorkshire tea.’

‘What about Jammie Dodgers?’ Martin exclaimed.

‘Woah pal, you can’t dunk a Jammie Dodger. Same as you can’t dunk a Jaffa cake.’

‘Of course you can.’

‘Right guys, back me up on this, you can’t dunk a Jammie Dodger. It spoils it. You’ve got to keep the jam intact to get the best out of it. If you dunk it the jam will go in your brew. This is ludicrous, Martin, you’re making your brew undrinkable by dipping that in.’

And so #biscuitgate began. Never did I think people would be having a debate over Twitter about dunking Jammie Dodgers. But yeah, hallucinating about food was one of our greatest pleasures while sitting round that camp fire. It helped with the sugar withdrawal symptoms. It especially helped us on day three, which is famously known as constipation day. I knew that, so that was the one day that I said I would clean the dunny (up there for thinking, down there for dancing!).

The only argument I had in camp was with Martin. I had been voted president by the lovely public of the United Kingdom, which meant I wasn’t allowed to do any jobs myself, I had to just delegate. (Plus I got to sit on the only comfy seat in camp.) We split all the chores fairly and it was working really well. I put Adam Thomas with Martin so he could motivate him but to be honest Martin didn’t listen to me, Adam or the rest of the camp. We were running low on water and Adam was busy getting firewood.

‘Could you please go and collect some water, Martin? We are running low.’

‘No, not yet. I am busy.’

Now I realise you lovely lot watching only got to see me ask him once. I had in fact asked him several times over the course of about five hours. I couldn’t take it any more.

‘I can only ask you so many times to get some water politely, Martin. Come on, you don’t speak to any of the men the way you speak to me. If I was Larry or Wayne, would you have said no?’

Then Danny (my hero) Baker stepped in. ‘Mate, she’s president, if she says do something you’ve got to do it. But you don’t, you always answer her back like she’s some silly kid and she isn’t.’

Now look, I am an adult and I don’t need anyone to fight my battles for me but I was feeling really alone that day so I was grateful for Danny’s intervention. I just felt like I was banging my head against the Bushtucker Telegraph as Martin was just not listening.

But like I say, I really like Martin, we chatted for hours and after that argument it actually made us come closer together. He apologised and that was enough for me; he didn’t mean to make me feel like that and I know he would genuinely never want to make anyone feel upset. I have a lot of time for Martin. I also have a lot of time for Danny and when he went I was devastated. He was my winner. I just couldn’t understand why he had been voted out so soon. But I knew he wanted to be in that Versace Hotel with his wife Wendy and he had done trials and experienced camp life so he got all he went in there for.

The camp just seemed too quiet without Danny’s stories and his singing. I couldn’t believe he had just got over throat cancer; his attitude to life is one I’ll take with me always. He embraces every day and what a life he has led. From playing football to meeting Bob Marley, to selling records to Elton John and being besties with Chris Evans. When we got home from Australia, me and my boyfriend Luke were kindly invited round to Danny and Wendy’s home. They found out we had no heating (you’ll hear more on that later but basically when we first moved into our flat in London it had no heating at all and it was like living in an igloo) and so they warmed us up and made us an absolute spread of lamb chops and about ten different kinds of potatoes. As we pulled up to Danny’s house I was in shock. ‘Luke, this is absolute house goals, it is beautiful.’

I found out that me and Danny actually had some things in common. Both of our mums were amazing human beings and called Betty. He has a love of Noddy like me (I mean I’d had my toy Noddy for twenty-four years and I didn’t think anybody could love him as much as me but Danny had original illustrations in his home). His first-born daughter is called Bonnie and my first-born chihuahua is called Bonnie – I have had her since 13th September 2015 (she was only ten weeks old) and I treat her like my child. And also we have both done radio, although obviously he has done it for years and actually knows how to work the buttons on the screen.

I loved that day round Danny’s, it was one of the best days in London I’ve ever had. We – that is, me, Luke, Danny, Wendy, their kids Bonnie, Mancie, Sonny and his girlfriend – drank wine, wore Christmas paper hats and watched some of the trials of the jungle back.

Of course, that’s the most notorious part of I’m a Celeb: the Bushtucker Trials. And I can assure you, they are quite as bad as they look! One that stood out for me as particularly appalling was ‘Croke-e-mon