The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance - Giulia Lagomarsino (best book club books of all time TXT) 📗

Handling Women and Weapons

Rules For Ensuring Your Woman Is Safe Around Weapons

All women should be treated as deadly, whether they have a weapon or not. But with a firearm, they are even more deadly, which should be pretty clear to you already. Let’s discuss measures we can put in place to ensure a safe environment for all, especially yourself.

1. All women should be armed if they are to leave the property alone.

2. If they leave with you, it’s best to remove those weapons so you don’t get shot. (Raegan)

3. A thorough pat-down before leaving to ensure they only have one firearm is recommended.

4. Check handbags, suitcases, car seats, strollers, diaper bags, and even the dreaded womanly kit to ensure they do not have a spare on them.

5. The womanly kit is where they store their tampons and pads. I know this is hard to do, but buck up and open that zipper. They know you’re afraid of what’s inside, so this will be the most likely place they’ll hide a firearm. Does it feel heavy? You’ve got a gun in there.

6. If you give them an SUV full of weapons, make sure Maggie isn’t in there. Or Cara. Or Claire. Or Emma, Ivy, and Raegan. Scratch this. Never give them an SUV full of weapons.

7. If the women are all gathering around and don’t want you near them, panic. You may think this is a good thing at first, but they’re probably planning something deadly. Lock down the facility and question all of them until someone breaks. Start with Claire. She can’t keep a secret to save her life.

8. If you go away on vacation, never assume that your woman packed less weaponry than you. Face it, guys, we trained them, and now we have to deal with the chaos.

Part Four

The Rulebook for Men Written By the Wives Of The Men

Sex Rules For Men

When You’ll Actually Get Sex

Sex rules have most definitely changed since we’ve gotten married. I’m sorry to tell you, things will not be going your way.

1. Lingerie will not be worn unless I feel like putting it on, and with kids running around, there’s no way in hell I’ll be hanging out naked in the bedroom.

2. Blow jobs are given when I feel you’ve done something to deserve one. If I have to give you a blow job to receive more affection, you’re going to be waiting a really long time for that blow job. I do not negotiate with terrorists.

3. 69 can be fun, but not if you insist on being on top. You do realize that you outweigh me, right? And when you get that into it and shove your cock so far down my throat that I choke, there’s really no fun in it for me anymore.

4. I think you want to reexamine this whole anal play option. If you think it’s okay for you to initiate, you’d better expect it in return. Oh, and make sure there’s lube on hand, or it’s gonna hurt.

5. Five times a week for sex? Are you fucking kidding me? Were you planning on getting up with the kids on the weekend? Or how about putting them to bed at night? Or how about any of the million other things I do for you every day to make your life easier? And if I’ve just had a kid, the only way you’re getting lucky is with your hand. There will be no blow jobs at this time. My orifices are out of service.

6. If you think six weeks is some magical number that’s like a get out jail free card, you’re sorely mistaken. And if you tell me to get on my knees, you’re not going to like what happens when I get there.

7. I will cuddle with you if and when I want to. You radiate so much body heat that I have to extricate myself from you after five minutes so I don’t suffocate.

8. I’m not sure when you started thinking that I’m your servant, but if the sheets are messy, the clean ones are in the hall closet. Get to work.

9. Likewise on the toy issue, and our toys are way more fun than yours.

10. One additional rule: If you fart in bed, which happens frequently, I will kick your ass out of bed. Same goes for snoring.

Bedroom/Bathroom Rules

Clean Up Your Shit

Your bedroom rules are stupid. Here’s how things are really going to go.

1. The bedroom usually is kept clean at all times. It’s not my problem that you don’t know what a laundry basket is. If it’s laying on the floor, it’ll stay there until you pick it up. I’m not your fucking maid.

2. I have no problem doing laundry and putting it away, but if you can’t turn your damn socks right side out, then they’re going in your drawer as is. And if there are skid marks in your underwear, they immediately go in the trash.

3. Perfectly made beds only exist in a house without kids. I already know what hospital corners are, and have been doing them long before you came around. If you come inspect the bed every day, you’ll get a boot up your ass.

4. If I have to explain to you about bed bugs, you don’t know enough about cleanliness.

5. Our children can and will climb into bed, because they are kids! If you don’t like it, you can be the bad guy that takes them back to their room after a nightmare.

6. Socks are not comfortable in bed, but your body is always warm. Man up and let me use your legs for warmth.

7. Agreed, candles should always be kept in the bathroom. However, anything you need for entertainment as you sit on the toilet for forty-five minutes to avoid the rest of us, should be provided on your own. There is no way in hell that I’m touching anything