Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (classic fiction .txt) š
- Author: Nicky Silver
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HOWARD: An eight?
PHYLLIS: These arenāt my shoes. These are a six. Iām an eight. These are sixes. Bishop, are these your shoes?
BISHOP: God!
PHYLLIS: Bishop, have you been wearing ladiesā shoes? I should never have sent you to a private school. I donāt mean to be judgmentalā
BISHOP: THEY ARE NOT MY SHOES!
PHYLLIS: Oh.
HOWARD: Donāt you like them?
PHYLLIS: Are you a transvestite now, Howard?
HOWARD: Theyāre my motherās shoes.
PHYLLIS: Your mother died when you were five.
HOWARD: Theyāre an heirloom.
PHYLLIS: Thatās touching.
HOWARD: Wonāt you come in now?
PHYLLIS: And they look right up-to-the-minute. Funny how fashion repeats itself.
HOWARD: Someone will get off the elevator. Someone will see you.
BISHOP: Iām going in.
PHYLLIS: Bishop!!!
BISHOP (He rushes into the room and stands center): Look. Look, airbrainā
HOWARD: I donāt think you should call your mother an airbrain.
BISHOP: Shut up.āLook. Iām in. Iām inside and nothing happened. Itās fine. Itās fucking fine. Thereās nothing to be afraid of.āWhat the fuck you staring at?
HOWARD: I donāt understand.
BISHOP: The crudheadās afraid to come inā
HOWARD: I donāt think you should call your mother a crudhead.
PHYLLIS: Iāll never get out.
HOWARD: What?
PHYLLIS: If I come in. Iāll never get out again. And the room doesnāt look very big. And I donāt recognize the furniture.
HOWARD: Itās new.
PHYLLIS: Oh.
HOWARD: Donāt you like it?
PHYLLIS (Waving at furniture): I donāt even know it. How could I like it?
HOWARD: Bishop likes it. Donāt you, Bishop?
BISHOP: I HATE IT!!!!
PHYLLIS: He forms opinions quickly.
BISHOP: ITāS UGLY!!!
PHYLLIS: Someoneās getting off the elevator! Someoneās coming!
(She runs into the room)
HOWARD: There.
PHYLLIS: I donāt like it here! I donāt like it. I want to go. This isnāt my home. This isnāt my furniture!
BISHOP: Get a hold of yourself, vomithead.
HOWARD: I donāt think you should call your mother vomithead.
PHYLLIS: This isnāt my living room. Everythingās different! This isnāt my chair!
HOWARD: Itās new.
PHYLLIS: I want my chair! Whereās my chair!
HOWARD: Itās gone. You like this one.
PHYLLIS: I donāt! Itās strange. Ooh, ick, I hate this chair.
BISHOP: The chair is fine, bilebrain.
HOWARD: I donāt think you shouldā
PHYLLIS: I WANT MY OLD CHAIR!
HOWARD: But.
BISHOP: Get her old chair, for Christās sake.
PHYLLIS: I WANT IT. I WANT IT.
HOWARD: I threw it out.
PHYLLIS: WHY!!
BISHOP (Threatens): That was stupid.
HOWARD: I redecorated. I just got some new furniture. Thatās all.
PHYLLIS: This isnāt my home. Where am I? My home has a wingback chair. Where am I?
HOWARD: You are home.
PHYLLIS: I donāt think so.
BISHOP: You shouldnāta thrown it out, craphead.
HOWARD: I donāt think you should call me crapheadā
BISHOP: Shut up.
PHYLLIS: Wherever I am. I want to leave. Can I leave here? Do you think we could go, Bishop?
BISHOP: We just got hereā
PHYLLIS: But I donāt like it.
HOWARD: Whatās wrong with her?
BISHOP: Sheās nuts, splitbrainā
HOWARD: I donāt thinkā
PHYLLIS (Hiding her eyes with the shoes, she sinks to the ground): This is not my home.
BISHOP: Sheās a dusthead.
PHYLLIS: Is not. Is not. Is not.
BISHOP: Ignore her.
PHYLLIS: Is not. Is not. Is not.
BISHOP: Yeah. Sheāll shut up.
HOWARD: Maybe she should lie down.
BISHOP: Do you want to lie down?
PHYLLIS: My feet hurt.
HOWARD: What does that mean?
BISHOP: It means her feet hurt, phlegmhead.
HOWARD: I donāt think you should call meā
BISHOP: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
PHYLLIS: My feet hurt.
HOWARD: Would you like to lie down?
PHYLLIS: These shoes are pretty, but theyāre too small.
BISHOP: She doesnāt want to lie down.
PHYLLIS: I think theyāre a six.
BISHOP: Ignore her.
PHYLLIS: Iām an eight.
HOWARD: Ignore her?
PHYLLIS: Do you have anything in an eight? A pump?
BISHOP: Sheāll shut up. Youāll shut up, wonāt you dusthead?
PHYLLIS: Black crocodile, maybe?
HOWARD: Well, sit down, son.
BISHOP: You sit down.
HOWARD (Sitting): All right.
PHYLLIS: Do you have anything in patent leather?
HOWARD: How are you son?
BISHOP: Gee, Iām fine, thanks. And you?
HOWARD: Good, good. Iām good.
BISHOP: Thatās good.
HOWARD: Iām fine.
PHYLLIS: Iād like to see this in an eight.
HOWARD: Itās good to have you home.
BISHOP: Mmmmmmm.
HOWARD: Itās good to have you home.
BISHOP: You said that.
HOWARD: Oh. (Reaching out to Bishop) Tell me. Was it terrible. Do you want to talk about it?
BISHOP: Want to make a movie of it?
HOWARD: Well, maybe.
BISHOP: Fuck you.
HOWARD: I donāt thinkā
PHYLLIS (Out): Excuse me, could someone help me?
HOWARD: What?
PHYLLIS (Out): Could someoneāIād like to try something on.
BISHOP: Ignore her!!
PHYLLIS (Out): Could someone help me?
HOWARD: Well. I guess youāre anxious to get back to school, back to your friends?
BISHOP: What friends?
HOWARD: Your little friendsā
BISHOP: Iām not going back.
HOWARD: You have to go to school.
PHYLLIS (To Howard): Could someone help me please?
HOWARD: Everybody goes to school.
BISHOP: Do you?
PHYLLIS (Out): This is a terrible store.
HOWARD: You used to like school.
PHYLLIS (Out): The salespeople hate me.
HOWARD: You used to enjoy it.
BISHOP: That was then.
HOWARD: Well, once you go backā
BISHOP: IāM NOT GOING BACK!
PHYLLIS (To Howard): Could someone please, please help me?
HOWARD: You try it. You go back and give it a try.
PHYLLIS (More desperate): Please, please, please!
BISHOP (To Howard): Fuck you.
HOWARD: Maybe not this week. You rest this week.
PHYLLIS: Please, please, please!
HOWARD: Maybe next week. Youāll go back next week and youāll see you like it.
BISHOP: Itās summer! You asshole! Itās fucking summer! What will I do at the fucking school when I get there! Itās fucking summer!
HOWARD: Well there is summer school!!! Maybe youāve heard of summer school!!! Itās school! And they have it in the summer!!
BISHOP: Shut up!
HOWARD: I donāt mean to shout.
BISHOP: Fuck you!
HOWARD: I donāt mean to lose my temper.
BISHOP: Drop dead!
HOWARD: I mean to be a good father!
PHYLLIS (Out; breaking down): All I wantāall I want to do, all I want to do is, I want to try, I want to try on some shoes! Shoes! Shoes. And no one will pay any, no one will wait, wait on me! I need some, some, no one will, will, will someone help me, help me, help me, help meā
HOWARD (Going to her): Calm down Phyllis, calm down. Itās all right. Iām here. Iām here.
BISHOP (Almost chanting): DO NOT TOUCH HER! DO NOT TOUCH HER! DO NOT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!!? DO NOT!
PHYLLIS: Iā
BISHOP: DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT!
(There is a blackout and Howard steps into a
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