Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (classic fiction .txt) š
- Author: Nicky Silver
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PAM: Iām sorry.
PHYLLIS: No one ever asked me.
PAM: Was it terrible?
PHYLLIS: It wasnāt that the sky went on forever, it was seeing the nature of things. The way things really are. It was being watched at night and seeing how the world really is.
PAM: You donāt have to talk about it.
(Bishop enters behind them, unnoticed.)
PHYLLIS: I was always the pretty one and my sister Marie was the smart one. And I was nice. Before I met Howard, I was. I was a nice person. I was pretty then. I thought that mattered.
PAM: Youāre still pretty.
PHYLLIS: No, my feet are too big. Iām an eight.
PAM: I donāt think so.
PHYLLIS: No, I know I am. Iāve had my feet measured. Iām an eight.
PAM: Thatās not what I meant.
PHYLLIS: What did you mean? By what? When?
PAM: Forget it.
PHYLLIS: Iām confused. I want to leave the room. I do. I want to leave for Howard. Because he wants me to. And even though he wants me to for his own reasons, like he wants to sleep with the domestic help, I want to for him, because I donāt hate him. Really. And I want to do it for me. Because I know people do. And I know thatās what I should want. I should want to leave here and go shopping and have a life, and change my clothesāI think Iāve been wearing this dress foreverādo I smell funny?āI know I should want these things, but I donāt seem to be able to make myself. When I close my eyes all I see is the high high sky and the birds flying stupidly around Katharine Hepburnās face the way she looked in Summertime or The Rainmaker or Sea of Grass. And what scares me most of allāand this is really embarrassingāis I think I miss it.
PAM: What?
PHYLLIS: And that makes me want to just stop. And I cry. And Bishop comforts me. He protects me. And he holds me. When no one is looking. Late at night, when youāre in your closet and Howardās in bed. Bishop comes to me and makes me feel all right for a minute. And I hold him against myself and pretend that sheās watching and weāre on the sand by the sea . . . and itās really very beautifulāwhen we can pretend.
PAM: Oh my God!
PHYLLIS: What?
PAM: I canāt believe it! The two of youāthatās terribleā
PHYLLIS: You shouldnāt judge.
PAM: You poorā
PHYLLIS: No, no, itās not his fault.
PAM: Weāll send him away.
PHYLLIS: No.
PAM: Howard doesnāt know this, does he?
PHYLLIS: Pleaseā
PAM: Weāll send him away! He will.
PHYLLIS: Donāt tell himā
PAM: Donāt worry, Phyllis. Heāll take care of it.
PHYLLIS: He wonāt understand.
PAM: Iāve got to go.
BISHOP (Lunging at Pam with a knife): NO!
(Pam screams. Blackout.)
SCENE 2
The lights come up on Phyllis frantically packing shoes, trying to get all her shoes into a suitcase.
PHYLLIS: Bishop! Bishop!
(Bishop enters, eating a sandwich and dragging what must obviously be Pamās leg.)
BISHOP: What?
PHYLLIS: What are you doing?
BISHOP: Eating. Iām hungry.
PHYLLIS: Please. Donāt get blood on the chair.
BISHOP: Yeah yeah yeah.
PHYLLIS: Help me.
BISHOP: Tāsorta dry. It could use some barbecue sauce. Dāya think we have any?
PHYLLIS: I donāt know. Help me. Weāve got to pack.
BISHOP: Or soy sauce. Soy sauce would be good.
PHYLLIS: What are you talking about?
BISHOP: Iām talking about condiments!
PHYLLIS: Weāve got to pack. Weāve got to get out of here.
BISHOP: Why?
PHYLLIS: You killed someone, Bishop.
BISHOP: Yeah so and.
PHYLLIS: Donāt you understand?
BISHOP: You want some?
PHYLLIS: God no.
BISHOP (Out): Itās good but itās dry.
PHYLLIS: Not āItās good,ā Bishop. āSheās good.ā
BISHOP: Maybe ketchup.
PHYLLIS: Youāve committed murder!
BISHOP: Or mayo.
PHYLLIS: We have to get out of here.
BISHOP: You overreact.
PHYLLIS: Someone will find out! Theyāll find out and put you away! We need disguises. Can you grow a mustache? Do I have a wig? Theyāll catch you!
BISHOP: Who?
PHYLLIS: The police!
BISHOP: Morons.
PHYLLIS: You canāt just murder people willy-nillyā
BISHOP: I can.
PHYLLIS: Where can we go? Have you ever been to Detroit?
BISHOP: We donāt have to.
PHYLLIS: Iāll dye my hair. Can you grow a beard?
BISHOP (Threatening): Do you like your shoes?
PHYLLIS: Help me think. Where can we hide?
BISHOP: Do you?
PHYLLIS: Whatās that got to do with anything?
BISHOP: Just answer the fucking question!
PHYLLIS: Yes.
BISHOP: Where do you get them?
PHYLLIS: You bring them to me.
BISHOP: And where do you think I get āem?
PHYLLIS: I donāt know.
BISHOP: Where!
PHYLLIS: Shoe stores?
BISHOP: Wrong, crapnoodle.
PHYLLIS: The garbage?
BISHOP: Wrong, pissnoggin.
PHYLLIS: You steal them?
BISHOP: WRONG, sewageconk.
PHYLLIS: I donāt want to know.
BISHOP: Why not?
PHYLLIS: Iād rather notā
BISHOP: People donāt just give up their shoes!
PHYLLIS (Realizing): Oh my. Oh my God.
BISHOP: There are barefoot bodies all over town.
PHYLLIS (Frightened): Bishop, all these shoes?
BISHOP: I take care of you.
PHYLLIS: You did this?
BISHOP: For you.
PHYLLIS: You had no right. Bishop: Why not?
PHYLLIS: I donāt know. Itās not right. Itās not moral.
BISHOP (Indicating the leg): With her itās moral (Indicating the shoes), with them, itās not?
PHYLLIS (A confidence): Well, I never really cared for her.
BISHOP: Some morals.
PHYLLIS: I feel sick.
BISHOP: Have a bromo.
PHYLLIS: We have to go. Now. Before your father comes home.
BISHOP: He can be dessert.
PHYLLIS: You shouldnāt have killed her. I think he liked her. Heās bound to notice.
BISHOP: Leave it to me, assholehead.
PHYLLIS: Donāt call me that!
BISHOP: What?
PHYLLIS: What do you want to take?
BISHOP: You hate me. You wish Iād died in the plane crash.
PHYLLIS: Donāt be absurd.
BISHOP: You hate me. I can tell!
PHYLLIS: You should not have murdered her. It showed poor judgment. You act in haste.
BISHOP: I had to!
PHYLLIS: Why?
BISHOP: You told her. She knew about usāsheād get them to put me awayāyou told her! Itās your fault!
PHYLLIS: Donāt blame me!
BISHOP: Why not? Itās your fault!
PHYLLIS: You just wait until your father gets homeā
BISHOP: You want them to catch me, admit it. You want to be alone with him again. You prefer him to me, donāt you? Itās obvious!
PHYLLIS: I didnāt kill his little concubine, you did! Itās fine as long as you do away with random strangersāyou were fine when you couldnāt be tracedābut now youāll get caught. You never think ahead,
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