Etiquette and Vitriol by Nicky Silver (classic fiction .txt) 📗

criticize, but it would’ve been tidier to stab him in the chest.

BISHOP: EVERYONE’S A MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK!!!

PHYLLIS: Sorry. (There is a pause) Bishop?

BISHOP: What.

PHYLLIS: What now?

BISHOP: C’mere, slophead. (She joins him) We’ll go back.

PHYLLIS: Back?

BISHOP: Home.

PHYLLIS: Tonight?

BISHOP: Tomorrow.

(They look at each other and fall into a kiss, mutually. It is passionate.)

I’m starved.

(They look at Howard, then at each other and start to giggle.)

Don’t eat the toes!

PHYLLIS: I won’t!

BISHOP (Out): Toes are my favorite.

PHYLLIS (Out): I like privates.

BISHOP: That’s my slophead.—We’ll go back and start over and always be together.

PHYLLIS: I love you Bishop.

BISHOP: Get the salt.

(Phyllis cheerily exits, and Bishop rises and addresses the audience.)

And the next thing I remember, I was someplace else completely.

(Blackout. We hear “Save the Bones for Henry Jones.”)

ACT III

A year later. A hospital. There are two areas set up on the sand. One is a consulting room: a desk with chair, and a chair for the patient. The other is Bishop’s room: a cot and a small chest of drawers. Dr. Nestor is seated at the desk.

NESTOR: Send in Bishop Hogan.

(After a moment, Bishop enters.)

Hello.

BISHOP: Hello.

NESTOR: You are Bishop Hogan. Do you know who I am?

BISHOP: Do you know who I am?

NESTOR: I just said, you’re Bishop Hogan. I am Dr. Nestor. (Pause) Do you know why you’re here?

BISHOP: Do you know why you’re here?

NESTOR: I work here. I’m the new doctor.

BISHOP: I’m the new doctor.

NESTOR: Do you think you’re a doctor?

BISHOP: Do you think you’re a doctor?

NESTOR: I know I am.

BISHOP: I know I am.

NESTOR: I see.

BISHOP: I see.

NESTOR: I am Bishop Hogan. I am here because I murdered my parents. I killed my father and his mistress, and the next day, my mother. I am here because it was the judgment of the court that I was mentally ill at the time of these acts.

BISHOP: I am Bishop Hogan. I am here because I murdered my parents. I killed my father and his mistress, and the next day, my mother. I am here because it was the judgment of the court that I was mentally ill at the time of these acts.

NESTOR: I LIKE IT HERE.

BISHOP: I LIKE IT HERE.

NESTOR: I am all better and the psychological demons which tormented me have receded into the dark recesses of my unconscious.

BISHOP: Yeah yeah yeah, recesses, unconscious.

NESTOR: I thought you wanted to play a game.

BISHOP: Fuck you.

NESTOR: Fuck you.

BISHOP: What?

NESTOR: What?

BISHOP: Fuck off.

NESTOR: Fuck off.

BISHOP: You can’t talk to me that way.

NESTOR: YOU CAN’T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!

BISHOP: I’m the patient. You’re the doctor!

NESTOR: You’re the doctor.

BISHOP: Fuck you!

NESTOR: FUCK YOU! (Laughing) You see how irritating that can be.

BISHOP (Out): Dr. Nestor is eerily like my father.

NESTOR: Now. Shall we start over? (Pause) Hello.

BISHOP: Hello.

NESTOR: Now, you’re Bishop Hogan. Do you know who I am?

BISHOP: Fuck you.

NESTOR: That’s better.

BISHOP: You’re the new doctor?

NESTOR: Yes.

BISHOP: You remind me of my father.

NESTOR: It says here, you killed your father.

BISHOP: Yeah so and.

NESTOR: Do you remember that?

BISHOP: Like it was ten minutes ago.*

NESTOR: Why did you kill your father?

BISHOP: I was hungry.

NESTOR: Pardon me?

BISHOP: I was hungry and there was no spareribs in the kitchen.

NESTOR: Do you like Chinese food?

BISHOP: Comme ci, comme ça.

NESTOR: You killed your father in a rage over an ill-stocked refrigerator?

BISHOP: No. You moron.

NESTOR: I don’t think you should call me a moron, Bishop. I think that’s disrespectful.

BISHOP: I killed my father, to eat him. Didn’t you read that thing?

NESTOR: I meant to, but it got boring.

BISHOP: Well, that’s why I did it.

NESTOR: All right. Why did you kill your mother?

BISHOP: I didn’t.

NESTOR: I did read that far—

BISHOP: I didn’t kill my mother, you cocksucking, needlenosed dick!

NESTOR: Do you feel hostile?

BISHOP: Can we look at ink blots?

NESTOR: You don’t remember killing your mother?

BISHOP: Since I didn’t do it, why would I remember it?

NESTOR: Maybe it slipped your mind?

BISHOP: I remember things. I’m not insane.

NESTOR: Then why are you here?

BISHOP: You mean in the metaphysical sense?

NESTOR: How did your mother die, if you didn’t kill her?

BISHOP: She didn’t.

NESTOR: It says here—

BISHOP: I don’t give a shit what it says there! I didn’t write that! It’s not true.

NESTOR: So you think the other doctors are liars?

BISHOP: Yes.

NESTOR: And the judge?

BISHOP: Yes!

NESTOR: And the police?

BISHOP: Yes!!

NESTOR: And the courtroom stenographer?

BISHOP: Yes!!!

NESTOR: And the mortician?

BISHOP: YES!!!

NESTOR: And the undertaker?

BISHOP: YES!!

NESTOR: And me and Miss Fitch and the embalmer and the man who carved the headstone and the people from CNN and Geraldo?!

BISHOP: YES! YES! YES! A BUNCH OF FILTHY-FUCKING- FREAKASSED LIARS!

(Phyllis enters. She looks composed and well-kept, as she did at the start of the play.)

PHYLLIS: Bishop.

BISHOP (Rushing to Phyllis): Mommy.

PHYLLIS: Calm down, Bishop.

BISHOP: They think you’re dead.

PHYLLIS: Don’t be absurd—stand up straight.

BISHOP: It’s starting again. They’re saying you’re dead.

PHYLLIS: Do I look dead?

BISHOP: You’re standing up.

PHYLLIS: Do I sound dead?

BISHOP: What do dead people sound like?

PHYLLIS: Not like this.

BISHOP: They say that I killed you.

PHYLLIS: That’s not true.

BISHOP: I love you.

PHYLLIS: Why would you kill me?

BISHOP: I wouldn’t.

PHYLLIS: I know that.

BISHOP: Why do they keep saying it then?

PHYLLIS: They’re incredibly stupid.

BISHOP: All of them?

PHYLLIS: Yes. They want to make you feel bad so they feel better themselves. They’re insecure. They know they’re stupid and they want to bolster their egos. They’re jealous of us.

BISHOP: What should I do?

PHYLLIS: What would Katharine Hepburn do?

BISHOP: Re-re-rely on her Yankee strength.

PHYLLIS: That’s right.

BISHOP: Th-th-that’s what I’ll do then.

PHYLLIS: And don’t tell them anything. Don’t give away your secrets. They’ll use them against you. They’ll judge you like God. Which they have no business doing.

BISHOP: I love you Mommy.

PHYLLIS: Why would you kill me? Don’t chew gum.

(Phyllis and Bishop embrace. Popo enters wearing a bathrobe and sits on the cot.)

NESTOR: Send in Popo Martin, please.

(Popo rises and addresses the audience. She is very cheerful.)

POPO: I am Popo Martin. My friends call me Popo Martin. Dr. Nestor says I’m a paranoid schizophrenic. I think I have Marnie’s disease. You know, like Tippi Hedren in that movie. When I see red, I see red! I mean, I have