Plays 1: Weird Time Blues - Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (good story books to read txt) š
- Author: Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan
Book online Ā«Plays 1: Weird Time Blues - Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (good story books to read txt) šĀ». Author Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan
Well, youāre one.
Choca: I know. Killing is so much fun; didnāt I look cool?
Lacey: Shall we bury Duvac?
Choca: In a holo-suite? UH?!
Lacey: Well, I thought -
Choca: The guyās a fucking hologram! Think Rimmer, but with a swollen penis!
Fringle: Sorry, Iām only just thinking of penises!
Choca: I thought you might be. The girls out there, on the front, donāt last long. They usually get raped before they get killed. And thatās just by our own troops.
Fringle: Fuck! Then Iām going to war! I really need a shag!
Lacey: Iāll fuck you, too - I donāt want you to die!
Choca: I think I better do the honours, kiddo. Iāve had a hard-on for over twenty-two years. Wanking just doesnāt do it. Nor does that quack-Doctorās fanny machine.
Lacey looks confused.
Lacey: So youāre a patient of Dr. Tosst as well?
Choca: Yeah. Iām one of his specimens. I still have to fight, but Iām a volunteer.
Silence; a confused tension.
Shitball: Whatās that?
Lacey: How do we know if youāre propaganda - another fucked up fuckinā holographic virus! See it sounds really sad, but I want to get -
Choca: Donāt worry, amigo-comrade, Iāll get you a good primetime slot with fifteen minutes - yes, a full fifteen minutes! - of commercial breaks. You guys are completely cut off. Which is how they like you.
Lacey: I have to get out of here.
Choca: (licking his lips; attaches his gun to his genitals - it oozes a shitty, chocolate, sauce. He rubs it, smirking.) Donāt worry; Iāll take care of Cackman.
Lacey: The fuckerās on my back, dousing me with crocodile tears. Heās going kill me. He said heās after me. Heās going to torture me, make me stick bananas up my bum - then heāll pull my penis off. He says he eats shit, but he can eat my penis. He wants to change his name from Cackman to Dickman, so he has to eat penises to do so. Itās ritual Colony army acceptance crap. Heāll be ridiculed if he doesnāt follow it through.
Choca: (laughing.) Look, Cackman is a reject; he wonāt do shit to you.
They all laugh.
Choca: (taking Lacey aside and referring to the troops.) Look at all these abstract people! Youāre all fools. You need something; itās beyond help, probably beyond drugs.
Lacey: So youāre a hologram?
Choca: Look, donāt get cocky with me, kid. I want to get you out of here, but I donāt give a fuck about you or your buddies. You middle-class rich kids are all the same - with free trade and fairer trade, boring slogans - on another world arenāt yah? Donāt worry; Iām sure youāll jump on the anti-war bandwagon, just because your agent said so, right?
Lacey: Er, I suppose - that's a good ideaā¦But I donāt know, I donāt care.
Choca: You can do other work on the outside.
Lacey: But weāre inside! Arenāt we?
Choca: Look, kid, Iām not buying your Olā Red Hippy shit; and I think youāre just in love with the idea of being a revolutionary, considering your weak as fuck. Come on, look at yourself, puny arms, musā have a tiny dick a lilā sore - (Lacey flashes at Choca, who susses smiling knowingly, but looks disgusted, retching, composes himself, wiping saliva away.) So feeble; you canāt be for real; youāre scared of a token psycho called Cackman!
Lacey: But -
Choca: (lights a smoke, but doesn't smoke it.) I donāt care what you think. I like you, but I donāt like you. Get me?
Lacey: Er -
Choca: (throws his smoke down; hugs Lacey.) I thought you would. Okay. Thatās sorted, letās have some fun!
Lacey: Okay. But Duvac is not dead!
Choca: No, heās fine in reality. You know - outside the holographic simulation? Heās probably wanking in some office.
Lacey: Ah, thatās a relief. Even though heās a twat I donāt want him dead. (To the rest of the Troops.) Weāre going to party! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH!
The troops cheer and exit with Choca and Lacey, leaving Duvacās corpse and we hear āChop-Sticksā being played on a Bontempi organ submerged in water.
Scene 9.
Tunkās office. Tunk is masturbating over an ancient Shirley Temple poster. Dr. Tosst enters, dragging Duvacās corpse.
Tunk: (covering himself with the poster, quickly; as if nothing happened.) Iāve heard about Duvac. Donāt worry there are plenty more where h-h-h-h-h-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (Ejaculates onto Tosst.) Come from.
Tosst: (takes off a dress underneath his white laboratory coat, and puts the dress into a carrier bag.) Well, I donāt want this batch to get any alien viruses. Alien is the wrong word to describe it - but it the only word I know how to describe it. We have problems - ours are more complex; I want to switch to the invisibility programme. It will benefit the military more than it will benefit humanity, General. You understand that donāt you?
Tunk: (zipping himself up.) Continue the Colony Forty-Six experiment.
Tosst: I think Iām having some moral issues.
Tunk grabs Tosst by the scruff of the neck.
Tunk: If you fuck this up, Iāll fuck you...up. Got that?
Tosst: You shouldnāt have done that Tunk.
Tunk: Or what?
Tosst: What?
Tunk: Donāt attempt your mindgames with me! I know you think youāre a maverick - a subversive shrink - but at the end of the day you're just a quack.
Tosst: No, Iām not a duck, General. You should know the difference between humans and animals, but knowing your ethical record youāll kill anything!
Tunk: (releasing Tosst; trying to joke.) They have to be living, of course.
Tosst: Thatās what I mean by killing! To kill something, it must be alive first.
Tunk: Why you fuddy-duddy Frankenstein wannabe! Donāt get clever-clever with me! You and your intellectual ways! I can't stand you lot! Always using long words when a simple one will do! Youāre always confusing me! (Tosst looks baffled, shrugging.) Yeah! Why can't yah make a dick-fanny-butt machine? It'll be...I was only saying. Well, I know what I mean!
Tosst: Yes, of course you do.
Tunk: (grabs him by the throat again; Tosst chokes) And donāt patronise me. (Pause. Tunk releases his grip on Tosst. Tosst re-animates.) I know who done this. It was that recruit -what his name?
Tosst: Lacey?
Tunk: The troublesome one who does nothing!
Tosst: Thatās impossible!
Tunk: I sense insubordination! A plot! (Grabs Tosst again; Tosst chokes again.) Youāre protecting him arenāt you?
Tosst: No! (Tunk applies more pressure on Tosst.) No, what I was trying -
Tunk: (shaking Tosst, who looks dead.) Tell me! TELL ME! YOU CAN TELL ME!
Tosst:(suddenly alive, he slaps Tunk. Tunk sits, suddenly, attempting the full lotus position, but falls over. Tosst takes out a crystallized condom, rubbing it, trying to stare into it) Look, there is no war; this is phoney and we have problems convincing people - the general public that is - of our case. Brainwashing them like this wonāt do any good in the long-term! It will in the short-term as theyāll all be brainwashed! I donāt know about the mid-term. It;ās too grey there.
Tunk jumps up, and grabs Tosst again, but slowly lets go of Tosst, who is exhausted, almost having a heart attack, rubbing his chest. Tunk goes to his desk drawer. He opens the drawer and takes out a bottle of hydrochloric whisky. He closes the drawer loudly. As he does so, we hear the clang of empty bottles in the drawer. Tunk drinks the whisky neat. Tosst rest on a chair, trying to get his strength back. There is an uncomfortable, tense silence.
Tosst: Look, Lacey is drugged up to the eye balls. He thinks heās not on earth, but some colony on a faraway a planet. He calls it Colony Forty-Six. He thinks that we have some simulation: a virtual reality programme called Colony Forty-Six-X, where he is solider and must survive, it if or his training to fight against pirate terraformers on the same planet. He sounds very confused. I shouldnāt have given him the pills. I thought St. Johnās Wort wouldāve been enough. But then again, I did let him watch The Lawnmower Man then The Matrix. Shit! Heās already watched Tron this afternoon. No wonder heās fucked. Itās my fault. I didnāt mean to give him those cheap mushrooms either; but I got stoned and a bit drunk and one thing led to another. You know how it goes? I think Iām going to have to refer him to another specialist and remove his brain.
Tunk: So Lacey is innocent?
Tosst: Yes, of course. Unless he has the powers of astral projection! (Tosst laughs; Tunk is not amused.) Well, we all know it will be some regurgitated movie anyhow. As long as some pop-tart gets everything out, I donāt give shit. Call it art and Iāll buy it over the net - thatās my motto! And Iāve never been arrested.
Tunk: Iām sick of your types! Weāre making no progress! All you do is drug up the troops and members of the public and give me a load of statistics and mindless bullshit! All these words! All fancy words and long-winded terms! This is all stuff we already know! I swear youāre just recycling old information!
Tosst: Why yes, of course - how will we make a living? I might be wrong. I hate being wrong; I always like to be right.
Tunk: Well, thatās wrong!
Tosst: No, Iām right!
Tunk: No, Iām right - your attitude is wrong!
Tosst: Iām right - your attitude is wrong!
Tunk: Wait! This is going no-where. Shall we agree weāre both right and everyone else is wrong?
Tosst: That could be right, but does sound -
Tunk: Good. If you were going to continue to disagree with me, then I wouldāve killed you!
Tosst: Ah, I see. Do you want a hand, General?
Tunk drops his trousers, and sits behind his desk; Tosst puts a rubber glove on his right hand and starts to give Tunk's head a rub. Tunk looks baffled, but resumes masturbating, hoping no-one notices. Cackman enters.
Tosst: Ah, Cackman! Our longest surviving patient! What can we do for you?
Cackman: I have to say that Iām leaving the institution. Youāve helped me a lot, but I am going. Iām not addicted to your shit anymore. I am addicted to my own shit. I have my shit and thatās all I need! You canāt keep me here against my will. Iām a volunteer remember?
Pause.
Tunk: Well, this is a surprise. I take it youāve had words with Lacey?
Cackman: No. I havenāt. It just came into my head that I can leave any time I want. I want to live a healthy life; I need to go down to the offy to get some booze and fags and have a laugh again. I know this guy who does...I havenāt laughed in years! (Struggles to laugh, smiles.) ooh, that felt good. People wonāt go near me though - I donāt know why.
Choca: I know. Killing is so much fun; didnāt I look cool?
Lacey: Shall we bury Duvac?
Choca: In a holo-suite? UH?!
Lacey: Well, I thought -
Choca: The guyās a fucking hologram! Think Rimmer, but with a swollen penis!
Fringle: Sorry, Iām only just thinking of penises!
Choca: I thought you might be. The girls out there, on the front, donāt last long. They usually get raped before they get killed. And thatās just by our own troops.
Fringle: Fuck! Then Iām going to war! I really need a shag!
Lacey: Iāll fuck you, too - I donāt want you to die!
Choca: I think I better do the honours, kiddo. Iāve had a hard-on for over twenty-two years. Wanking just doesnāt do it. Nor does that quack-Doctorās fanny machine.
Lacey looks confused.
Lacey: So youāre a patient of Dr. Tosst as well?
Choca: Yeah. Iām one of his specimens. I still have to fight, but Iām a volunteer.
Silence; a confused tension.
Shitball: Whatās that?
Lacey: How do we know if youāre propaganda - another fucked up fuckinā holographic virus! See it sounds really sad, but I want to get -
Choca: Donāt worry, amigo-comrade, Iāll get you a good primetime slot with fifteen minutes - yes, a full fifteen minutes! - of commercial breaks. You guys are completely cut off. Which is how they like you.
Lacey: I have to get out of here.
Choca: (licking his lips; attaches his gun to his genitals - it oozes a shitty, chocolate, sauce. He rubs it, smirking.) Donāt worry; Iāll take care of Cackman.
Lacey: The fuckerās on my back, dousing me with crocodile tears. Heās going kill me. He said heās after me. Heās going to torture me, make me stick bananas up my bum - then heāll pull my penis off. He says he eats shit, but he can eat my penis. He wants to change his name from Cackman to Dickman, so he has to eat penises to do so. Itās ritual Colony army acceptance crap. Heāll be ridiculed if he doesnāt follow it through.
Choca: (laughing.) Look, Cackman is a reject; he wonāt do shit to you.
They all laugh.
Choca: (taking Lacey aside and referring to the troops.) Look at all these abstract people! Youāre all fools. You need something; itās beyond help, probably beyond drugs.
Lacey: So youāre a hologram?
Choca: Look, donāt get cocky with me, kid. I want to get you out of here, but I donāt give a fuck about you or your buddies. You middle-class rich kids are all the same - with free trade and fairer trade, boring slogans - on another world arenāt yah? Donāt worry; Iām sure youāll jump on the anti-war bandwagon, just because your agent said so, right?
Lacey: Er, I suppose - that's a good ideaā¦But I donāt know, I donāt care.
Choca: You can do other work on the outside.
Lacey: But weāre inside! Arenāt we?
Choca: Look, kid, Iām not buying your Olā Red Hippy shit; and I think youāre just in love with the idea of being a revolutionary, considering your weak as fuck. Come on, look at yourself, puny arms, musā have a tiny dick a lilā sore - (Lacey flashes at Choca, who susses smiling knowingly, but looks disgusted, retching, composes himself, wiping saliva away.) So feeble; you canāt be for real; youāre scared of a token psycho called Cackman!
Lacey: But -
Choca: (lights a smoke, but doesn't smoke it.) I donāt care what you think. I like you, but I donāt like you. Get me?
Lacey: Er -
Choca: (throws his smoke down; hugs Lacey.) I thought you would. Okay. Thatās sorted, letās have some fun!
Lacey: Okay. But Duvac is not dead!
Choca: No, heās fine in reality. You know - outside the holographic simulation? Heās probably wanking in some office.
Lacey: Ah, thatās a relief. Even though heās a twat I donāt want him dead. (To the rest of the Troops.) Weāre going to party! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH!
The troops cheer and exit with Choca and Lacey, leaving Duvacās corpse and we hear āChop-Sticksā being played on a Bontempi organ submerged in water.
Scene 9.
Tunkās office. Tunk is masturbating over an ancient Shirley Temple poster. Dr. Tosst enters, dragging Duvacās corpse.
Tunk: (covering himself with the poster, quickly; as if nothing happened.) Iāve heard about Duvac. Donāt worry there are plenty more where h-h-h-h-h-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (Ejaculates onto Tosst.) Come from.
Tosst: (takes off a dress underneath his white laboratory coat, and puts the dress into a carrier bag.) Well, I donāt want this batch to get any alien viruses. Alien is the wrong word to describe it - but it the only word I know how to describe it. We have problems - ours are more complex; I want to switch to the invisibility programme. It will benefit the military more than it will benefit humanity, General. You understand that donāt you?
Tunk: (zipping himself up.) Continue the Colony Forty-Six experiment.
Tosst: I think Iām having some moral issues.
Tunk grabs Tosst by the scruff of the neck.
Tunk: If you fuck this up, Iāll fuck you...up. Got that?
Tosst: You shouldnāt have done that Tunk.
Tunk: Or what?
Tosst: What?
Tunk: Donāt attempt your mindgames with me! I know you think youāre a maverick - a subversive shrink - but at the end of the day you're just a quack.
Tosst: No, Iām not a duck, General. You should know the difference between humans and animals, but knowing your ethical record youāll kill anything!
Tunk: (releasing Tosst; trying to joke.) They have to be living, of course.
Tosst: Thatās what I mean by killing! To kill something, it must be alive first.
Tunk: Why you fuddy-duddy Frankenstein wannabe! Donāt get clever-clever with me! You and your intellectual ways! I can't stand you lot! Always using long words when a simple one will do! Youāre always confusing me! (Tosst looks baffled, shrugging.) Yeah! Why can't yah make a dick-fanny-butt machine? It'll be...I was only saying. Well, I know what I mean!
Tosst: Yes, of course you do.
Tunk: (grabs him by the throat again; Tosst chokes) And donāt patronise me. (Pause. Tunk releases his grip on Tosst. Tosst re-animates.) I know who done this. It was that recruit -what his name?
Tosst: Lacey?
Tunk: The troublesome one who does nothing!
Tosst: Thatās impossible!
Tunk: I sense insubordination! A plot! (Grabs Tosst again; Tosst chokes again.) Youāre protecting him arenāt you?
Tosst: No! (Tunk applies more pressure on Tosst.) No, what I was trying -
Tunk: (shaking Tosst, who looks dead.) Tell me! TELL ME! YOU CAN TELL ME!
Tosst:(suddenly alive, he slaps Tunk. Tunk sits, suddenly, attempting the full lotus position, but falls over. Tosst takes out a crystallized condom, rubbing it, trying to stare into it) Look, there is no war; this is phoney and we have problems convincing people - the general public that is - of our case. Brainwashing them like this wonāt do any good in the long-term! It will in the short-term as theyāll all be brainwashed! I donāt know about the mid-term. It;ās too grey there.
Tunk jumps up, and grabs Tosst again, but slowly lets go of Tosst, who is exhausted, almost having a heart attack, rubbing his chest. Tunk goes to his desk drawer. He opens the drawer and takes out a bottle of hydrochloric whisky. He closes the drawer loudly. As he does so, we hear the clang of empty bottles in the drawer. Tunk drinks the whisky neat. Tosst rest on a chair, trying to get his strength back. There is an uncomfortable, tense silence.
Tosst: Look, Lacey is drugged up to the eye balls. He thinks heās not on earth, but some colony on a faraway a planet. He calls it Colony Forty-Six. He thinks that we have some simulation: a virtual reality programme called Colony Forty-Six-X, where he is solider and must survive, it if or his training to fight against pirate terraformers on the same planet. He sounds very confused. I shouldnāt have given him the pills. I thought St. Johnās Wort wouldāve been enough. But then again, I did let him watch The Lawnmower Man then The Matrix. Shit! Heās already watched Tron this afternoon. No wonder heās fucked. Itās my fault. I didnāt mean to give him those cheap mushrooms either; but I got stoned and a bit drunk and one thing led to another. You know how it goes? I think Iām going to have to refer him to another specialist and remove his brain.
Tunk: So Lacey is innocent?
Tosst: Yes, of course. Unless he has the powers of astral projection! (Tosst laughs; Tunk is not amused.) Well, we all know it will be some regurgitated movie anyhow. As long as some pop-tart gets everything out, I donāt give shit. Call it art and Iāll buy it over the net - thatās my motto! And Iāve never been arrested.
Tunk: Iām sick of your types! Weāre making no progress! All you do is drug up the troops and members of the public and give me a load of statistics and mindless bullshit! All these words! All fancy words and long-winded terms! This is all stuff we already know! I swear youāre just recycling old information!
Tosst: Why yes, of course - how will we make a living? I might be wrong. I hate being wrong; I always like to be right.
Tunk: Well, thatās wrong!
Tosst: No, Iām right!
Tunk: No, Iām right - your attitude is wrong!
Tosst: Iām right - your attitude is wrong!
Tunk: Wait! This is going no-where. Shall we agree weāre both right and everyone else is wrong?
Tosst: That could be right, but does sound -
Tunk: Good. If you were going to continue to disagree with me, then I wouldāve killed you!
Tosst: Ah, I see. Do you want a hand, General?
Tunk drops his trousers, and sits behind his desk; Tosst puts a rubber glove on his right hand and starts to give Tunk's head a rub. Tunk looks baffled, but resumes masturbating, hoping no-one notices. Cackman enters.
Tosst: Ah, Cackman! Our longest surviving patient! What can we do for you?
Cackman: I have to say that Iām leaving the institution. Youāve helped me a lot, but I am going. Iām not addicted to your shit anymore. I am addicted to my own shit. I have my shit and thatās all I need! You canāt keep me here against my will. Iām a volunteer remember?
Pause.
Tunk: Well, this is a surprise. I take it youāve had words with Lacey?
Cackman: No. I havenāt. It just came into my head that I can leave any time I want. I want to live a healthy life; I need to go down to the offy to get some booze and fags and have a laugh again. I know this guy who does...I havenāt laughed in years! (Struggles to laugh, smiles.) ooh, that felt good. People wonāt go near me though - I donāt know why.
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