The Funny Side Of Christmas - Paul Curtis (story read aloud .txt) 📗
- Author: Paul Curtis
Book online «The Funny Side Of Christmas - Paul Curtis (story read aloud .txt) 📗». Author Paul Curtis
hold you in embrace
And kiss your pretty face
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
As he looks at you all agog
Intent upon a snog
So when old Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Grabs you under the mistletoe
Just tell him where to go
CHRISTMAS IS A FUNNY TIME OF YEAR
Christmas is a funny time of year
At no other time of year are the shops full to overflowing
With people who clearly don’t want to be there
Spending money they don’t have
On things the recipients of them won’t like
You send cards to people you haven’t seen for years
And you get cards from people you’ve never heard of
You spend the day itself
Amidst the people you’ve managed to avoid all year
You have to kiss relatives you never knew you had
Who keep farting and blaming it on the dog
You dine on roast Turkey
Which no one lists as their favourite meat
And you have to sit at the table wearing silly paper hats
When for the rest of the year you mustn’t wear a hat at the table
You eat Christmas pudding and mince pies
That give everyone heartburn
Then you all sit around a dead tree
Pretending to like the presents you open
You eat sweets and nuts that you took out of a sock
While you watch the Queens speech
Then you play parlour games suggested by someone
Who claims in their day “they had to make their own entertainment”
Who then falls asleep in his chair
But despite all of this I still love it
SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Hotel
There were creatures emitting a terrible smell
And the cause of the awful pungent aroma
Was an octogenarian party from Cromer
THREE WISE ONES Reprised
The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts
The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
In a typical parish establishment
Full of the inebriated and the loose
She we should have a Christmas goose
GROTTOS GO LEGAL
Santa’s little helpers, the first contacts,
Have all been given revised contracts
They will be known by the Santa Claus’s
From this year on as subordinate clauses
NORTHERN LIGHTS
We have just learned
Candles may not be burned
In Santa’s workshop
The practise has to stop
A spokesman claims
That elfin safety is to blame
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the abode
Came the rancid smell like an un-emptied commode
It made your eyes water to be perfectly crude
Wow this baby needs to start eating solid food
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9
Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed
BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
An apology from Willie
On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
PARTY CLAUS
What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof
CHRISTMAS GOOSE
At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse
Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd
The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 136
Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat
I can’t wait till Christmas to eat some of that
Coz I’m on the Atkins diet and that’s a fact
I just hope that I don’t have a heart attack
CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT
Christmas is a time
Of many traditions
Like carol singing
With candle lit processions
But not anymore
A years old tradition
Has to had to go
For fear of litigation
“Health and safety”
So gets on my wick
As this year we had
Carols by glow stick
CHRISTMAS JOY
I have a new love in my life
That all Christmas I’ll be pleas’n
I will bring Joy to her world
When I go south for the season
LAST CHRISTMAS
Last Christmas
We got the winter vomiting virus
It wasn’t nice
And it was shared by all of us
It was the worst
We didn’t see much Christmas cheer
I tell you one thing
We’ve just asked for money this year
EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS
Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho
SANTA’S R & R
When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave
His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return
In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor
Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games
So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again
But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie
DEAR SANTA CLAUS
Dear Santa Claus
I have been good
I thought I’d mention that
So it’s understood
I don’t want
Something practical
Something useful
Nor educational
I don’t what
Something creative
Something arty
Or constructive
I don’t want
Something sporty
Something healthy
Not outdoorsy
What I want
Is an X-Box or a PS3
So I can escape
My boring reality
But I don’t want
You to bring me a Wii
It’s just too healthy
And drains my energy
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,
He was so drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list
So the toys for the nice kids never left the north pole
And they all ended up with a big piece of coal
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 3
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We have been promised nouvelle cuisine
So Oliver will be asking for more
OLD YEARS NIGHT
My wife is an optimist
Which is why, she stays up
On New Years Eve
To see in the new one
I am by nature a pessimist
Which means, that I stay up
On New Years Eve
To make sure the old one has gone
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED
There's no Christmas this year
There will be no Christmas cheer
For Santa checked the naughty list
And found himself a naughty miss
Then picked her up in
And kiss your pretty face
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
As he looks at you all agog
Intent upon a snog
So when old Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Grabs you under the mistletoe
Just tell him where to go
CHRISTMAS IS A FUNNY TIME OF YEAR
Christmas is a funny time of year
At no other time of year are the shops full to overflowing
With people who clearly don’t want to be there
Spending money they don’t have
On things the recipients of them won’t like
You send cards to people you haven’t seen for years
And you get cards from people you’ve never heard of
You spend the day itself
Amidst the people you’ve managed to avoid all year
You have to kiss relatives you never knew you had
Who keep farting and blaming it on the dog
You dine on roast Turkey
Which no one lists as their favourite meat
And you have to sit at the table wearing silly paper hats
When for the rest of the year you mustn’t wear a hat at the table
You eat Christmas pudding and mince pies
That give everyone heartburn
Then you all sit around a dead tree
Pretending to like the presents you open
You eat sweets and nuts that you took out of a sock
While you watch the Queens speech
Then you play parlour games suggested by someone
Who claims in their day “they had to make their own entertainment”
Who then falls asleep in his chair
But despite all of this I still love it
SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Hotel
There were creatures emitting a terrible smell
And the cause of the awful pungent aroma
Was an octogenarian party from Cromer
THREE WISE ONES Reprised
The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts
The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
In a typical parish establishment
Full of the inebriated and the loose
She we should have a Christmas goose
GROTTOS GO LEGAL
Santa’s little helpers, the first contacts,
Have all been given revised contracts
They will be known by the Santa Claus’s
From this year on as subordinate clauses
NORTHERN LIGHTS
We have just learned
Candles may not be burned
In Santa’s workshop
The practise has to stop
A spokesman claims
That elfin safety is to blame
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the abode
Came the rancid smell like an un-emptied commode
It made your eyes water to be perfectly crude
Wow this baby needs to start eating solid food
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9
Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed
BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
An apology from Willie
On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
PARTY CLAUS
What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof
CHRISTMAS GOOSE
At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse
Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd
The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 136
Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat
I can’t wait till Christmas to eat some of that
Coz I’m on the Atkins diet and that’s a fact
I just hope that I don’t have a heart attack
CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT
Christmas is a time
Of many traditions
Like carol singing
With candle lit processions
But not anymore
A years old tradition
Has to had to go
For fear of litigation
“Health and safety”
So gets on my wick
As this year we had
Carols by glow stick
CHRISTMAS JOY
I have a new love in my life
That all Christmas I’ll be pleas’n
I will bring Joy to her world
When I go south for the season
LAST CHRISTMAS
Last Christmas
We got the winter vomiting virus
It wasn’t nice
And it was shared by all of us
It was the worst
We didn’t see much Christmas cheer
I tell you one thing
We’ve just asked for money this year
EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS
Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho
SANTA’S R & R
When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave
His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return
In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor
Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games
So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again
But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie
DEAR SANTA CLAUS
Dear Santa Claus
I have been good
I thought I’d mention that
So it’s understood
I don’t want
Something practical
Something useful
Nor educational
I don’t what
Something creative
Something arty
Or constructive
I don’t want
Something sporty
Something healthy
Not outdoorsy
What I want
Is an X-Box or a PS3
So I can escape
My boring reality
But I don’t want
You to bring me a Wii
It’s just too healthy
And drains my energy
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,
He was so drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list
So the toys for the nice kids never left the north pole
And they all ended up with a big piece of coal
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 3
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We have been promised nouvelle cuisine
So Oliver will be asking for more
OLD YEARS NIGHT
My wife is an optimist
Which is why, she stays up
On New Years Eve
To see in the new one
I am by nature a pessimist
Which means, that I stay up
On New Years Eve
To make sure the old one has gone
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED
There's no Christmas this year
There will be no Christmas cheer
For Santa checked the naughty list
And found himself a naughty miss
Then picked her up in
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