The Funny Side Of Christmas - Paul Curtis (story read aloud .txt) 📗

FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Come Christmas day
I will be full of Christmas spirit
Buck fizz with my breakfast
Is only the start of it
Then a sherry with the vicar
After the candles have been lit
And aperitif before lunch
Maybe Vodka or a Gin and it
Wine with every course
Brandy when the pudding is lit
Liqueur with coffee
Then more brandy as we sit
Then when the day is over
I whish shoe a ferry Hacky Fhrismit


PLASTIC CHRISTMAS

Now Dasher, Now, Dancer
Now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, On Cupid
On Donner, On Blitzen
So the plastic Santa’s say
Down at the mall
But shoppers have a verse
That serves one and all
Now charge it, now defer it
No cash and No cheques
On store card, on visa
On MasterCard and A-mex

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

Christmas at the office
Is just like any other day
Let’s face of it
You end up doing all the work
And the fat guy in the suit
Gets all the credit

CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS

Every Christmas day is the same
The Browns come round for lunch
I dread the time as it approaches
There a bloody awful bunch
He’s an opinionated git
She’s a loudmouthed fishwife
Their kids run amuck unchecked
Causing trouble and strife
They drink all my booze
And eat every crumb of food
They’re uncouth and vulgar
Obnoxious and just plain rude
They are a truly horrible family
I wish I could show them the door
They have no redeeming features
God I hate my brother in law


CHRISTMAS CHEER

I went to the pub with my brother
For a Christmas, lunchtime drink
While my wife cooked the dinner
And washed up at the sink
We got thrown out at 4 o’clock
Full of Christmas cheer and gin
We got home ready for Christmas lunch
And found it in the bin

CHRISTMAS POST

Mildred went to the post office
To buy stamps for her Christmas cards
“What denomination do you want?”
She was asked by Mr Everard
“That’s political correctness gone mad,
Has it come to this?” said she
“You’d better give me a book of Catholic
And a book of C of E”


SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS

It was Christmas eve at the magistrates court
And the Magistrate was in charitable mood
And In keeping with the season
Was inclined to show a little latitude
"Now then, what is the charge against you?"
He asked the unfortunate prisoner
The man in the dock replied
"I was caught Christmas shopping very early sir"
"That doesn't seem like an offence to me.
What do you mean by “very early” man”?
"Well, your Honour." said the defendant,
"It was an hour before the shop was open."


CHRISTMAS SERVICE

It was a bitterly cold and bleak Christmas morn
And had been snowing heavily since before the dawn
And for the morning service the waiting minister
Was eventually joined by just one solitary farmer
The clergyman said “Well even though it’s Christmas day
I don’t suppose there's no point in having a service today.”
The farmer replied “Well that's not quite how I see it.
If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.”


OH WHAT A LOVELY GIFT

My mum got me a jumper
That fits what it touched
My sister got me novelty socks
That didn’t cost very much
My dad got me a Philishave
To shave between my spots
My Nan got me a scarf
And a box of jelly tots
But it’s the identity
That I would like to know
Of who got me the condoms
Tied up with a bow


THREE WISE ONES

The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh

The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts


CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

It was Christmas Eve closing time, nearly
Where a last minute shopper, frustrated clearly
Was rummaging through the freezer cabinet
At her nearest out of town super market
Desperately searching for a frozen turkey
And couldn't find one big enough for her family
Then she saw a young shop assistant pass by
And decided that she would give him a try
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" she said
Puzzled he replied "No madam, they're dead."

THE SANTA CLAUSE

When I was a child
I believed in Santa Claus
When I got older
I didn’t believe in Santa Claus
When I became a parent
I was Santa Claus
Now I have grandchildren
I look like Santa Claus

SEASONS GREETINGS

Tis the festive season
Of goodwill and reason
For the politically correct
The dithering and the direct
For the clubs and the cliques
And tedious control freaks
For the anal retentive's
And their many representatives
For council house yobs
And the inverted snobs
Those with professional jobs
And intellectual snobs
For the easily offended
And the over complicated
For the vile and the venomous
The overt and the anonymous
Snake in the grass vipers
And Back stabbing snipers
To the tarts and the vicars
And those in disposable knickers
For all poetry scrawlers
And the unpleasant name callers
For the narrowly minded
And those with axes grinded
For the loud minority
And the silent majority
For blondes and brunettes
And all lads and laddettes
Those pierced and tattooed
And the prim and the lewd
For the bright and the bland
And the humble and the grand
For those who are pretentious
And the liberal consensus
Every class hew and breed
Every persuasion and creed
Whether ungifted or artistic
And the mentally arthritic
For the first and the last
And sense of humour bypassed
For those with rhyme and reason
So in the spirit of the season
Now the year is nearly done
Merry Christmas everyone

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 2

I don’t want a present
That’s very practical
Or a gift home made
Or something musical
Something for wearing
Thoughtful or twee
Things for the garden
Or things fragrant or smelly
Nothing expensive when
The value is shocking
I just want something shapely
In a Christmas stocking


A GIFT FOR MARIA

A young man called Paul
Wanted to buy a present
For his new sweetheart Maria
As a Christmas present

As they’d not been dating
For a very long duration
He decided to purchase
After careful consideration
A nice pair of gloves
striking the right note
Not too romantic or personal
So the gloves got his vote

Accompanied by Maria’s sister
He went to Harrods and bought
A dainty pair of white gloves
“She will like these” he thought

Maria’s sister Susan bought
A pair of panties for herself
But during the wrapping
An error was made on the shelf

The assistant mixed up
The gloves and the panties
The sister got the gloves
And Maria got the scanties

Without checking Paul sealed
The package along with a note
And sent it to his sweetheart
And this is what he wrote

Dear Maria, I chose these
As I noticed my darling
That you don’t wear any
When we go out in the evening.

If not for your sister Susan
I would have got long ones
The type with the buttons,
But Susan wears short ones
That are easier to remove.
They are a delicate shade,
But the shop assistant
where the purchase was made
Showed me the pair she has
That she’d been wearing
and were hardly soiled
After three weeks wearing
I had her try yours on for me
And she looked really chic
Even though they were
Tight on her a little bit.

She told me that her pair
Helps to keep her ring
Clean and shiny, and in fact
And this is interesting
Since she’d begun wearing them.
It hadn’t needed washing

I really hope you like them
And wish I were there with you
To put them on you Maria
for the first time I really do

As no doubt many other hands
Will have touched them
Before I see you again
Remember when you remove them
To blow into them before
Putting them away and drying
As they will naturally be
A little damp from wearing

Just think how many times
My lips will kiss them
during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them
For me on Friday night
All my love Paul till then

P.S. The latest style
Which appears to be growing
Is to wear them folded down
With a little fur showing


OH NO HE ISN’T

My great uncle John was an actor on the stage
Who was best known as a pantomime dame
Famous for his ugly sister and widow twanky
But not anymore which is a great shame

He has gone to that great pantomime in the sky
No longer will he don grease paint and his regalia
I will still see him though from time to time
Because he’s not dead he’s just working for Ryan air

WHO’S THE NEW GUY?

A tenth reindeer flew in Santa’s team
One unknown pulling Santa’s sleigh
We know the names of nine of them
Including Rudolf leading the way
So who was the mystery number ten?
Twas Rudolf the brown nosed reindeer
Flew behind his red nosed brother
But he couldn’t stop as quick I fear


HOOK

There is something puzzling me
As it doesn’t say in the book
Before his hand was taken
What did they call captain hook

It’s a difficult one to answer
Maybe he was evil captain fist
Or was he called captain two hands
Not really a very menacing list

And was it simply irony, mere chance
Or was his accident planned
For if not for the crocodile
He would have remained a deck hand


HAPPY STRESSLESS

A good friend of mine
Does his Christmas shopping
In less than two hours
With decs for party popping
And Gifts for twenty five
Friends and family
All on Christmas Eve
Including a six foot tree

IT’S CHRISTMAS

People have been discovering
On a Christmas Morning
That the curse of Christmas
That’s causing the most fuss
Has been unanimously concluded
To be “Batteries not included”


SATAN RULES KO

If you’re a worshiper of Satan
And you suffer from Dyslexia
Take care before you commit
You may sell your soul to Santa

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 1

Well I only got a sweater for Christmas
Not the best thing to get for a dreamer
Because I got a sweater for Christmas
When I wanted a moaner or a screamer

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AUNTIE PEGGY

For Christmas I bought my Auntie
A brand new wooden leg
I didn’t have it specially made
No I just got it off the peg
You may say it’s not a nice gift
Or even that it’s a killer
It wasn’t her main