The Funny Side Of Christmas - Paul Curtis (story read aloud .txt) 📗

his sleigh
And then flew her off to St Tropez


CHRISTMAS GETAWAY

The sleigh is empty
The list is ticked
It’s back to base
Double quick

Mrs. Claus is waiting
To greet me
Fidgeting around
Quite excitedly

The bags are packed
And in the sleigh
We’re off to Florida
For a holiday

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 4

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
We are being treated to pot noodle
So Oliver won’t be asking for more

SAD SANTA

Santa Claus is depressed
Its declining standards you see
The naughty list is now so long
It needs storing electronically
Where as the good list has shrunk
And now fits on a sheet of A3

RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT

Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff

CHRISTMAS PERFECTION

I found the perfect Christmas gift
And that’s what I’m unwrapping
She’s five foot two, eyes of blue
Slender, tender, figuratively cracking

So it’s a happy Christmas to me
For a very obvious reason
I’ve found myself the perfect gift
That I will enjoy all of the season

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples


TIME FOR CHRISTMAS

At last I have some time to spare
No more work until the New Year
It’s nearly Christmas so beware
The weather's bitter so have a care
Peace and goodwill and never fear
A wish for one and all for the coming year

YES THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS

If you want the great gift giver
To come on his sleigh and deliver
Then remember this simple rhyme
And recall it at Christmas time
“If in Santa you do not believe
Christmas gifts you will not receive”

CROMWELLIAN

The lord protector Oliver Cromwell
Killed thousands, the truth to tell
Beheaded the king and closed hostelries
And he cancelled the Christmas festivities
CHRISTMAS CHILL

Enjoy your Christmas day in peace
Avoid any kind of quarrel or wrangle
Chill out, relax and enjoy the day
And don’t get your tinsel in a tangle

HARBINGER OF YULE

The advent calendars
Are first to appear
Heralding the headlong rush
Toward Christmas cheer
On trees baubles reflect
Flickers of candle light
From Novembers end
Right up to twelfth night


GIFTS FOR EVERYONE

Jimmy got an iPod
Sally got an iPhone
Dad got an iPad
Mum got an iRon
Happy Christmas? iThink not

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Publication Date: 12-01-2008

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