conflicting - Nila Page (beach read .TXT) 📗

Annoyed at the fact that I feel annoyed, useless and suddenly worthless. I know that it was just one mistake and that I should get over it but more than 5 years of self-doubt and self-harm has brainwashed my mind into always blaming myself, always punishing myself. I woke up in a good mood, came to work in a good mood, feeling like finally things are running smoothly, like finally I can let my guard down a little thinking I can breathe better now. But obviously I was wrong I don’t trust myself as much I thought I did, maybe I never really did. The mistake was a simple one and not a very big one, and if it didn’t happen with my boss I most probably wouldn’t be too hard on myself. I feel like I want to crawl into the tiniest, suffocating, belly crushing, and painful whole. And because of this I couldn’t down my food. I know this feeling will pass, it just hurts that imp hurting myself this way, it hurts that even though I now feel slightly better I still want to feel worse. I wish my brain was not like this , so complicated ,so against me , it’s always fighting me trying to convince me that I’m horrible , trying to bring back all those dirty emotions that made me pick up the blade and slit the vein . Am I fooling myself when I tell myself I’m getting better ?, or am I just taking a break from the what seems the painful default ?. I’ve never been the type to cry , the tears even though they fight their way never come out and because of this it’s hard to let the emotions flow out of me , so I figured what the hell I might as type it out .

PS: I just wanted to let out a little of what I am feeling. This is just a tiny insight of a mind that suffers from depression and anxiety.

Publication Date: 05-27-2016

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