The Tears I've Cried - Sarah Dublin (lightweight ebook reader .txt) 📗

She layed there in turmoil. Thoughts consuming her....drowning it seemed in self doubt and negativity. Her mind was stricken with insecurities and self hate for the situation she had put herself in. How did she get here? she thought. The games they had been playing seemed to make no sense now. The reality of the situation now settling in, gave way to reason all too late as she thought. Why? Why had I let myself myself be treated such a way, to keep him around? For this? Accepting less than I deserved to keep him from moving on. Holding on so tightly to someone who seemed to had let me go. It was all real now. Real clear. As much as it hurt it was freeing all at the same time in a weird inexplicable way. Her realization didnt come without a cost. A price she was not ready to pay. A life she did not expect to live. She was pregnant and he was farther away from her than ever before.

Initially the news brought hope to her insecure mind. Thinking maybe now he'll take things seriously and they could once again go back to a family life. Having had a baby by another man during the first year of their relationship he had stayed and accepted her and her baby promising to never leave and to be a father to her son. Remembering the pregnancy and intimacy they shared because he took it upon himself to raise a child that wasnt his own she loved that much more. He was her world and her son brought them both joy. It seemed so long ago now but the feeling she felt then never left her. He had to leave Susan, he just had to. Finally, she thought. He'll understand because this is a chance at a  life we both wanted once. Yet she was the only one still wanting of it.

David's reaction was an affirmation of her worst fear, what she had closed her eyes to for almost a year now. Always pushing the reality of things far back in her mind to a place she never wanted to visi. Only seeing and holding onto what she wanted to see and to feel. She did this to herself she thoght now. Laying there in the bed they used to sleep in together. Five years could not be so easily erased in her mind as he had erased them, maybe it was for him because he replaced them with someone new, laying in her bed now, holding her close while Carol layed in the bed he left her in holding their son as he slept. Thinking of David and what he was doing, rather convincing herself that he was at home thinking of her, once again pushing the reality of things farther away to hold onto any possibility of them, The fault was not entirely her own she thought. He lied, always promising her change and a possibility of a future together and she ate it up. Intoxicating herself with his version of the forbidden fruit.

 David had been stringing Carol along for the last year. Pretending he was single, just working on being a better him he would say to her. He needed space to find out who he was after being the family man he was with her, to see if that was really him he told her. Wanting to worry only about himself and being selfish, because he was only 26 he thouht. These were his selfish years and he spend the first five years of his twenties being a father to her son and a live in boyfriend. Was that who he wantedd to be? He loved her and her son but he felt that there were things he wanted to do that a family man couldn't.The lifestyle of a musician called for freedom and caused a few problems within their relationship years before. So he was living  for himself now, carefree he thought but he wasnt ready to let her go. So he lied to her to keep her around convincing her there was no one else while all the while he was dating Susan. Calling Carol and meeting up from time to time to check up on her reassuring his hold. Asking to see her and to keep a relationship with her son, "their" son he would say. She ate it up ofcourse and he knew what to say to keep her around.

She knew though, before she found out he was with someone the entire time. She could FEEL it. It was as if she could feel he was giving himself and his all to someone else but she looked away hoping he would one day realize how wrong he was for lying and hurting her and beg for her back. Just keep a connection she thought. Give him the means to come back and he will. As time passed, so did his passion for her. Instead of seeing her as compassionate and forgiving he saw her as someone he could take advantage of and the feelings of respect for her began to fade slowly leaving him with a picture of her he never thought he would see. Someone he lost respect for, picking up and dropping as he saw fit to continue his life with Susan. Carol had lost the special place she had in his heart for allowing herself to be used by him he could not see her the same. Susan, oblivious of the whole situation seemed so perfect now in his eyes. A safe haven from the barrage of questions Carol seemed to always ask everytime they got together. She began to be a burden to him. David began to dread visits to see her except the feeling of being inside her. He always felt at home there and he would always make sure she remembered aswell.

"This is mine" he would tell her.

"Who's is this" he would ask as he thrusted himself inside her.

"Yours" Carol would manage to say between her moans.

"No. Say my name. Say it louder." he said forcefully.

"David!" she screamed as they would climax.

The problem came after, when she wanted to talk. When she wanted a definite answer and answer he couldnt give her one. The lies kept building and the burden was heavy. So visits diminished because he couldnt stand being around the constant questions and he didnt want to lie anymore. Keeping up with the stories he told Carol to keep her at arms length was getting to him. It made him sad to think about letting her go though and he couldnt imagine not having her in his life. So he kept up this charade and selfishly ied to her. Promising more from him than he was willig to give never delivering, making dates but always canceling last minute. Anything to keep her around for when he felt like he wanted a taste of her. If she moved on he thought it will be on her own not because of me. He could not carry the burden of that aswell, after the lies he told and the double life he was living. It was easier for him to accept her being fed up with his behavior and deciding to leave then it was to let her go. Now, everything had changed. She was pregnant and all the games he had been playing seemed foolish now.

Why hadnt he let her go? Why did he string her along for so long? He tried to find comfort in Susan and as much as he wanted to blame Carol for all of this he knew the situation was just as much his fault as it was Carols. He didnt want the baby, he wasnt ready. Not like this. He was trying to move away and this was going to tie him to her for life. He loved her once and stil did but after all he had done he didnt think he could see her the same. He had tainted her. Any future with her would be dim now. He had done this to them and he couldnt face himself for ruining them this way. What else could he do but run away?

 What of Susan? How would she feel? She had always been there for him and it would hurt her to find out he had been sleeping with Carol this whole time. Susan was younger and naive. As much as Carol looked away so did Susan, always forgiving and feigning self assurance although in reality using that facade as her only means of keeping him around. She dealt with anxiety and pretending things were ok with him when he dissapeared was easier than thinking of the possibility that he was sleeping with his ex. Popping xanax to calm her down and taking adderall to keep her mind from wandering. She had come up with a perfect pill cocktail for when things got bad to keep her from pushing him away and getting upset. Not to mention the chain smoking she couldnt kick to help with her nerves. Now this traingle seemed to be coming to and end. The news of a baby affected them all and they all felt numb from feeling too much. Things were at a stand still and they were all in denial.

Carol Opened her eyes to her four year old son laying in bed next to her. The warmth of the sun shining from the window above her bed bounced off his little face giving his caramel skin