Love Bird. - Emily. Z. (highly recommended books txt) 📗

what I went through when I went to get you and...and you were gone? Don't put me through that again, Jane. Please," He pleaded, his voice more vulnerable than I'd ever heard it as he gripped my shirt in fists.

I didn't think I could control my own strength either as I squeezed him in a vise-grip, so glad that he was okay. We were in the same city, and I had avoided them like the plague because I was terrified of seeing Kent, remembering that day was left to my dreams. Seeing Kent would make me relive those memories while conscious and I didn't think I was ready for that. That way of thinking only made me feel worse now as I couldn't hold my brother tight enough, able to finally feel for myself that he was safe and sound. It was such a relief to me after all that had happened today that all I could do was take deep breaths, audibly letting them out in huge, shaking sighs, close to sobs. Those memories were nowhere to be found.

Arms came around me from behind, and I instantly recognized the perfume my mom always used for work. She was crying, I could tell by the soft noises she was making, but I was so happy to finally have my family here, in my presence that I couldn't focus on anything else. For a moment I was able to revel in the family that I could trust and love here and now that I could forget about my guilt over Victor. I could just cry for how much I'd missed them, and for how much trouble I'd caused them.

When we finally pulled away from each other, we were all tear-stained and sniffling, but I felt a closer bond to them than I had felt since Dad disappeared. I realized just how much he separated us when he left. My loyalty to him got in the way of my love for my family.  Mom took a moment to hug me personally, after Kent had let me go, and when she pulled away she stroked my face, keys hanging from two fingers, studying me with a sad smile. I smiled back at her, more apologetic than anything.

"I've been a bit of an asshole," I told her, sniffling with a laugh.

She gave a wet laugh, sniffing as she wiped her eyes with her knuckles. "We both have."

We stood up, Kent's arm wrapping around my shoulders as I was finally able to pull myself together enough. I had probably been lying to Glen, though it may have been unintentional, when I said that I was good. I was a wreck.

"How did you guy's know?" I asked.

"I called them," Logan piped up, standing next to his mother who was wiping tears from her eyes. 

Jean was standing silently next to Logan, looking away from all of us with a stoic expression on her face. My heart ached. What was she feeling right now? It was hard to read Jean. I knew she had to hate me - I got her brother kidnapped. I'm every bit of the bitch she thought me to be. Instead of dwelling on it, I turned my eyes to Logan and smiled.

"Thanks."

He smiled back, although it was strained, and nodded in acknowledgement. I couldn't say my smile wasn't without it's sadness as well. The feelings that I was able to forget were slowly creeping back in. Victor was still gone. A part of my family was missing, and the hole that I felt in my heart was clear evidence of that. Until he came back, I wouldn't be able to rest.

Until I brought him back.

"We should head home," Logan murmured. "Everyone is tired. Jane, you've been through too much tonight to discuss this matter any further."

I didn't agree with that. Compared to Victor I was on cloud nine. What's a hole in my heart to a gun to the head? Being taken to a strange place to be held under circumstances that I could never imagine. It killed me to think about it.

"Mm," I mumbled, to at least make him think that I agreed.

"There will be police cars stationed outside of each house in undercover vehicles, in case Ike is watching," Glen spoke up behind us, and I turned, not realizing that he had been standing there.

I looked over at him, and he only met my gaze. His eyes were determined, angry, and underneath all that, scared. 

"We'll find him, Jane," He promised.

I looked away, my gaze falling to the floor. They wouldn't. But I would.

***

The ride home was quiet. No one spoke, and not even the radio played. We decided that it would be safer to stay in one house. Well, they did. I stayed quiet under Kent's arm, and planned my get-away. We went in separate cars, but to my surprise, Jean rode with Kent, Mom and I. I wasn't sure how to act, sitting next to her in the back with Kent's arm still tucked around my shoulders. My hands sat limp on my legs, as I stared ahead without seeing, taking comfort in the warm body next to mine. Kent hadn't let go of me since he first hugged me. I think he somehow sensed my impending disappearance, though in no way was he conscious of it. If he were, he'd seem a lot more worried. At the moment he was relaxed as he stared out the window. Perhaps he just didn't want to let me go after last time.

Victor was heavy on my mind, as I watched the road ahead disappear underneath the car. I couldn't relax, anxious to put my plan into action. I needed to be patient, though, because if I wasn't than I would screw it all up. I couldn't make Logan suspicious. He'd never let me out of his sight.

A warm presence on top of my hand, wrapping around to squeeze my palm jolted me from my thoughts, an abrupt and shocking feeling of confusion breaking the calm facade my body had created after so much trauma. The raw emotion that I felt was like being exposed to the sun after being trapped in a dark room for hours. It stung, and burned, and all at once hurt. Blinking, I looked down at the source of this feeling, and realized that a small hand gripped mine. Numbly, my eyes followed the arm up to the face. Jean wasn't looking at me, but out the window, but her thumb rubbed my hand in soft motions, and in that moment she didn't need to. Everything that her expression, and words, didn't say, that one action did. She felt the same. Anger, hurt, devastation, but also...hope. Undying, unwavering hope. 

'He'll be alright.' That hand said. 'So stay strong.'

I slowly looked back down at our hands, tears blurring my gaze, but I blinked them away. Jean never hated me. She just had to deal with her own emotions. My heart beat painfully in my chest as I squeezed her hand back, wanting so much to deny that support, that comfort that I didn't deserve, but also needing it. For some reason, this personal gesture from Jean was even more important than Logan's, or Laury's. Jean struck me as similar to myself. Controlling at times, distrustful of those around her to a degree, but loyal. Loyal to such a degree that it was painful sometimes. She was also fiercely protective of family, which is what made this gesture important. Victor was her family, and the fact that she was willing to comfort me even in this small way, meant that she considered me family as well. 

She didn't let go of my hand until we pulled up to the house. I had never seen Laury's house before. Jean lived with her, still going to college as she was just a couple of years younger than me. We slid out of the car, as Laury was already striding for the door, keys in hand, as Logan trailed after her. I studied the house, a colonial style, all white with big windows and a wraparound porch. I imagined Victor, Logan and Jean in their childhood years, chasing each other around the porch, playing hide and seek and hiding behind the trees that dotted the yard. It was a warm home, full of memories.

I allowed Kent to lead me down the sidewalk, after Jean and Mom. We lagged behind the rest, as Laury prattled on about the mess in the house, leaving the door open for everyone to go in. I glanced around the neighborhood, looking for the car that followed us here. I noticed a black, generic car, with two men inside as they watched us walk in. I noted their location and filed it away in the back of my mind. They were the only two I could see, but I knew there were more. I'd figure out where they were later.

Kent squeezed my shoulders, and I turned my eyes from my survey to him. He regarded me with concerned eyes. "We're fine," He murmured, "I promise."

I blinked, as I realized that he'd misinterpreted. Though it did comfort me to know my family would be under close watch, I wasn't looking for Ike. Not yet. I was looking for an escape route. 

"I know," I managed to smile up at him, "You'll all be fine."

His eyebrows furrowed, puzzled at my words, but he was distracted by Logan calling us from the front door. 

"Come on, we're figuring out who sleeps where tonight," He said to us, gesturing for us to come inside. 

We quickened our pace a bit, making our way up the stairs to where Logan stood. Kent paused along with me, as I came to a stop in front of Logan. When I didn't say anything, he squeezed my shoulder one more time, and then let me go. It felt a little weird without his warm arm around me, having had it there for so long, but I simply gave him a slight smile as he went ahead of us. Logan let him pass, and then leaned his shoulder on the door, electric blue eyes meeting mine. 

"I just...," I hesitated, and then let out a soft sigh, "I wanted to...apologize."

It felt weird to say it out loud, but I knew I had to. I would never move on if I didn't, and I needed my mind totally on Victor tonight. 

"If you're about to apologize to me about Victor-," He started, but I held up my hands, and cut him off.

"No, no. Well...kind of," I laughed, and scratched the back of my head. This day seemed to be lasting forever. "I wanted to apologize...for what I said to you, back in the car. The truth is, that I do love you. More than I should." His eyes widened slightly at this, and that tired edge that they held faded a bit, as his cheeks surprisingly reddened. "I denied it for a long time, and...well that wasn't fair to you," I murmured, still smiling as I leaned against the pillar behind me. Logan was frozen in the doorway, his eyes on my face. I focused on the stained wood-grain of the porch, clasping my hands together.

"I...I love you," I started, swallowing, as my smile turned sad. "I wanted to apologize for that. For the pain that I...that I'm causing you now. Because you and I both know...," I trailed off, as Logan's hand came under my chin.

I was so focused on the floor that I hadn't noticed him move. He lifted my face, making me look at him. "That you love him that much more," He finished.

I couldn't answer, because his expression took my breath away. Those blue eyes were so painfully sad, and yet his love for me was so apparent. Like waves, the emotions from his eyes lapped over my heart, and for the first time I really let myself feel how it would be to be loved and cared for by Logan. It