Meagan Brewer - EverCaptivating (life changing books to read TXT) 📗

has plans. I need some friend time. Kristy and Terra are busy with their boyfriends and I don’t want to hear about what I’m doing wrong, not tonight.

M.B.

Sunday, April 4th, 2010

Charlie came by last night and I’m glad to that I have him as a friend. He knew I didn’t want to talk about Johnny, I didn’t want to think about him, so we spent the night eating Chinese and watching “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” and then I fell asleep on the couch.
It was nice to hang out and not have to worry about getting made-up like I do for Johnny. I could finally relax and not have to think about how much I missed Johnny, and it was easy to forget about my life and worries.
Before I fell asleep, I snuggled up with a pillow at my end of the couch, I watched Charlie eating his popcorn and thought about how he had become important to me over the last year, he makes fun of all my crazy idiosyncrasies, and he helps me more than anyone does. He is the big brother I never had. It was comforting to know I could be myself with him.
I wasn’t going to write this down, but I woke this morning after the oddest dream about Charlie and me. I felt somewhat freaked out and strange, I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. There were only fragments that flashed across my thoughts, but each felt very real as I made myself a bowl of cereal. I looked over to the couch, he had left sometime this morning, but he folded the blanket I gave him last night neatly on the end of the couch. The dream seemed so distant, yet unbelievably real as it lingered with me.
I figured it out when my phone rang and my first hope was that it was Charlie, when I should have been hoping it was Johnny. I think the dream made me momentarily insane. Moreover, to think that I could be crushing on Charlie made it a very stupid dream

! I was relieved when it was a telemarketer and hung up laughing at myself for dreaming of such foolishness. It’s too bad I don’t have any details to share because Charlie would laugh at my idiocy.

M.B.

Monday, April 5th, 2010

At work, I tried to act normal with Charlie and it was embarrassing because no matter how hard I tried to shake my dream of crushing on him, I felt awkward. He can usually read me like an open book and so I was waiting for him to call me out for it. I would blush and lie, tell him he was stupid and that I would never date a man-whore. We’d laugh it off and that would be the end of it. I was hoping he would, so that I would come out of it. The harder I tried not to notice him, the more I noticed how beautiful he actually was, his disheveled black hair, the blue-green of his eyes, the way everything feels like home when I am around him. Even the smell of him sent my head spinning and it was difficult to form a simple sentence with him.

What is wrong with you Meagan? Have you lost your ever-loving mind? It was a dream and you have Johnny. Do you remember John Stanley? Oh yeah, the douche bag that has been working late and alienating me from his life. That creep!

That’s it! It all makes sense now; I’m crushing on Charlie because I miss Johnny, to whom I have not spoken to yet. He called today, but I was trying to give him the cold shoulder until that resolve faltered when I came back from lunch to find flowers on my desk. Johnny had them sent. His card was begging me for a chance to explain and he blamed his boss for his lack of a social life. He even text me some sweet little things too, so I agreed to see him tonight. I wanted to get things resolved with Johnny and distract myself from my pointless dream crush on Charlie or, to prove it was pointless.
M.B.

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

Johnny came by as agreed and to be honest we didn’t spend much time talking as I had planned. The only talking he did was when he kissed me hungrily along my throat, whispering how much he missed me and how he hated that work kept him from me. I fell hook, line, and sinker for every word, for every kiss. I couldn’t find my anger as he made love to me, distracted me.

Before I left for work, I found a note on the counter from Johnny that said:

Thanks for last night. Hope to do it again beautiful.
Johnny

I really want him to be the one, but something is pulling at me, and telling me that he’s not what I want, or need. The funny thing is this morning I woke feeling guilty for sleeping with Johnny and then I thought of Charlie.

M.B.

Friday, April 16th, 2010

Disaster should be my middle name, Meagan Disaster Brewer because my life is a disaster!

So, here is the story, the girls and I went to a party this Friday at a bar, a farewell party to a friend-of-a-friend. The party was a blast with loads of drinks, confetti, food, music, etc.

Anyway, I was telling Kristy how happy I was about her engagement to Josh when I saw Johnny walk into the bar with a fat chick. Okay, I shouldn’t say chick because it was more like hag and she was sporting some muffin-top. She had bleached blond hair, too much make-up, and she looked to be in her late thirties. I was on fire peeved.

Instead of the sensible thing, instead of not making a scene, and instead of walking out, I walked over to them, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and introduced myself to Miss Muffin-Top. It all happened so fast, I wasn’t really thinking straight, it wasn’t the wisest moment in my life. When she said she was his wife, I slapped the living crap out of John and he lost his footing for a brief moment. His wife blew up at me and then the dirty name-calling started, fists flying, and all. After we were kicked out of the bar, I was still acting a fool and screaming across the parking lot at Johnny as Kristy pushed me into her car.

Once, I settled into the seat and with the fact that I had made a complete idiot of myself in public, I noticed that I had a slightly swollen lip. I don’t remember being hit, but I remember hitting Johnny. His wife must have gotten a hit in while I tried to beat her husband with everything I had. Clearly, I did it without dignity because I was the other woman and I wanted to kill John, not defend myself from his wife, but I was caught up in the moment.

I feel like an utter moron for falling for Johnny. How could I be so stupid? I hate myself. I always tell Terra how wrong it is to sleep with a married man and now I’m a home wrecker. Granted, I didn’t know he was married, but still. I hate myself and I hate him.

I haven’t returned any of his calls. I don’t know why he’s calling me anyway. He should be talking to his wife. God, I wonder if they have kids. If they do, I really hate myself!

Even Kristy’s plan to beat his car with a baseball bat would have been tempting, but I lost the will to care about worthless-liars like him. I’m done with men for a while. I need a break to be me. Worry free of boyfriends and their wives.

Charlie agrees I should probably stay away from the dating scene. He has been supportive of the whole complicated situation with my guilty feelings and my depressed state of mind about another failed relationship. By now, I would think he was as sick of it as I was, but he proved to be a better man than I given him credit for. I shouldn’t lean on Charlie like I do, in such desperation, but I cannot deny my need for him. He helps make sense of things, even if it is mainly my fault for believing too highly of someone. Charlie makes things okay, he makes everything… better.

M.B.

Saturday, April 17th, 2010

Kristy is getting married this July and I agreed to be her maid of honor, but only as long as she didn’t make me wear a frou-frou dress. She promised it would be a lovely silk and chiffon pink dress with spaghetti straps and a simple silhouette. (Not too thrilled with pink, but it’s her wedding.) I also get to help pick flowers and music, which she was hoping for when she asked me to be the maid of honor.

I’m ecstatic for Josh and her. They’re a lovely couple and blessed to have each other. He is a country boy from Kentucky, where Terra jokingly said they Ken-Tuck. She can be such a blond some times. Kristy is so in love with Josh, it almost makes me hopeful.

Johnny has not tried to contact me and I’m thankful that part of my life is over. It still stings sometimes when I have time to think about him. I still feel like a complete idiot for falling for him, but thank God, I never told him.

Charlie and I have been hanging out a lot as of late. He brought some movies over the other night and a cheesecake. He knows exactly what I love and he’s going to make me fat if he keeps bringing me sweets. It’s a good thing I started working out again, it’s the perfect stress reliever, and it keeps my mind from wandering. Kristy has joined me because she wants to lose ten pounds before the wedding though she doesn’t need to, but I like the company.

Granted, my love life is no more, but I have my friends and that’s enough. For now.

M.B.

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

As I help with the wedding plans, Kristy is becoming more and more frazzled. I do not want to imagine her on her wedding day. I have my work cut out for me.

Kristy and I have picked the flowers and music; she was pretty easy to convince that Meatloaf’s ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ may not be the best song for Josh and her. She went with a Celine Dion song instead. She did flip out at the cake shop and I had to pull her outside to get her to control herself. I was tempted to slap some sense into her, but lucky for me she knew she was a little unhinged and thanked me for pulling her outside. Fresh air did the trick today, but who knows about tomorrow.

Charlie and I saw a show in Hollywood the other night. My feelings for him have returned to normal for the most part and I think I was lonely because of Johnny. It’s nice to know that it was a momentary lapse of emotion. If I were honest, I would admit that I still find him extremely attractive. His fingers even have a sexy quality to them, being that they are long and look as if they were made to play the piano.

He’s a great friend