Meagan Brewer - EverCaptivating (life changing books to read TXT) 📗

got home, he was making dinner and it seemed as if he was trying to make something special because he made a mess all over the kitchen counters. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he wanted a night in and thought I could use a good dinner. It was as if he was trying to get in my good graces, but he hadn’t done anything wrong, my heart was the culprit here. I smiled at the fried chicken and mash potatoes even though I couldn’t eat them. Nevertheless, their aroma convinced me that all the working out had warranted one indulgent meal.

We ate in an awkward silence until he asked about the wedding. I told him I was excited to get it over with because Kristy could be a bridezilla at times. I asked him why he wasn’t out at the bar as usual, why the need for dinner and a night in. He responded with a soft expression. “Because I wanted to spend some time with you.”

I was taken aback by his sincerity. “I’m so boring though… and all we do is watch movies and talk about our day.”

“You can be boring.” He laughed. “I like... hanging out with you.” I was shocked by the fluttering of my heart and took a bite of my potatoes, nodding at him. We didn’t talk much after that.


Later, we sat on the couch and watched some romantic comedy, but I was all nerves. I could feel the closeness of him even though we sat apart from each other. I was more aware of him than if we were touching. I wanted to find a reason to sit closer to him, yet I couldn’t because something had changed between us or it could have only been me. I snuggled under my blanket to hide the anxiety I felt. He offered to turn up the heat for me when he noticed my fidgeting, but I declined.

I was so aware of him that the movie seemed to play in slow motion, I had no idea what was going on because from time to time, I caught a whiff of his cologne and it sent my head spinning. I imagined how it would feel to touch him and perhaps it would be like an electric current. I knew it would pass through me and the thought of touching him kindled every nerve in my body. On occasion, I would look over at him and his eyes would catch mine. I felt like a teenager with butterflies fluttering from my stomach to my throat, preventing me from speaking. Even as we turned off the film, neither of us said anything about the movie as we went our separate ways for the night.


The air was cumbersome in the house and it thickened when we accidentally collided into each other after my shower, Charlie had to catch me because I almost fell from the collision. I held on tightly to my towel as his strong arms caught my waist and it was as if my bones melted from his touch. It wasn’t an electric current as I had imagined it, but a slow burning that went bone deep. His expression was gentle, but his eyes looked hungrily at me. I stammered a thank you as he let me go and I numbly walked to my room, my legs were almost completely useless to me.

How can we go back to before when we were just friends, when I felt this way for him? I don’t want to ruin our friendship with this, but how can I go back to before. You cannot erase feelings. You cannot dismiss them and try pretending you don’t feel them. But I better or I’ll ruin this.

M.B.

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

I had a huge argument with Kristy about the wedding after work, I should have known better, but I couldn’t help it. We have discussed the band a hundred times and she keeps changing her mind. I was just tired of making the phone calls and dealing with the unhappy DJ’s.

I was upset and I had to vent, so I told Charlie about it. He held me on the couch as I cried over spilled milk, the whole thing was childish really, but I realized how much I had needed it, to be held by a man, by him and it was nice that he didn’t seem to mind. It was like coming home, a warm and welcoming feeling. I listened to his heartbeat; the sound resonated through my body and the comfort of his breathing brought me a sense of peace as I matched my breathing to his. I was glad he was coming to the wedding, although he had protested for the last few weeks. I needed him there and he knew it.

After that awkwardness the other night, Charlie has seemed a little hesitant with me, but today his embrace made up for all that. I’ve been trying to act normal in the hopes that he won’t see my feelings for him, but in reality, it’s easier in theory.

He made a quick dinner and put on my favorite black and white, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. I cried at the end as always and Charlie wiped my tears away. I wasn’t ready for it when it happened, when he kissed me.

His soft warm lips pressed to mine and it made my head spin, my heart pounded fast in my chest, and the taste of him sent a fevered thrill through me. His tongue parted my lips as he pulled me closer to him. My mind went blank and I forgot how to breathe as his kiss sunk into me.

When he gently pulled his lips from mine, my breath was embarrassingly loud, but I didn’t care. His blue-green eyes studied my surprised expression. I wasn’t sure what to say, what to do, or what to think. He seemed nervous, as he looked me over with humor quivering on his lips. He was waiting for me to say something.

“I don’t want to ruin…” I wasn't able to say properly what I wanted because my thoughts were blurred by the lingering taste of him.

Abruptly, his face changed into a shameful expression, angry even. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have.”

“I… No, I mean that I like you.” I noticed it came out sounding trite, but he interrupted me before I could explain.

“Just friends right? Look, it’s been a rough day for you and you should go to bed.” He suggested dryly.

“No, let me explain… that came out all wrong. You and I…” I began and tried to take his hand, but he pulled away stopping me from continuing.

“I don’t need to hear it.” He stood to his feet and began to walk away.

“We can’t talk, now?” My voice was acerbic as I stood and pulled on his arm. “I just wanted to tell you…”

“No, I made a mistake kissing you.” Each word maimed and his eyes turned cold when they returned to mine.

“Fine!” I walked to my room shooting the door loudly behind me. I was stunned and bemused by the last two minutes of my life. He won’t let me explain how I felt. He said it was a mistake. Kissing me was a mistake. I was right though, I ruined it. My mouth ruined it and he ruined it by being such a jerk. How was I supposed to fix this? I clearly hurt him and because he is a stubborn pig-headed jerk, he won’t listen.

Why did he kiss me?

Maybe he just felt bad for me, being that I had had a rough day. Maybe he could tell I needed attention, needed to be kissed… or maybe he wanted to kiss me.

I jumped when I heard the front door slam, it broke me from my reverie, and I realized he was gone.

M.B.

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

He wasn’t home when I woke and from the looks of it, had never come back. I planned what I would say to Charlie when I saw him. I would make him listen and tell him the truth about how I felt about him, that the kiss was a surprise, but that I had been hoping for it longer than I wanted to admit.

When I got to work, I found out from his manager that he taken the next two days off. I tried calling and texting him, but he seemed to disappear. Ignoring me.

Kristy was in a considerable mood today at work. Her wedding was July third and she was finalizing things for the reception during lunch. I tried to be helpful and thankfully, she was too busy to notice my moroseness. I played along with halfhearted responses and it seemed to be enough for her. I was too caught up in my own thoughts about Charlie. I needed to make sure he knew the kiss meant something to me.

No, that it meant everything to me.

Before I left to go home, Kristy gave me a list of my responsibilities for the big day, nothing I didn’t already know, but it made her feel better that I had a list. I had to get the bridesmaids dresses and make sure to keep the ring at all times, bring the shoes, something blue, flowers, etc. I was surprised she didn’t note that I was to throw the bachelorette party, which I had been prepping for a few weeks now. I had friends that helped me set it up at a local bar and tons of games for all of us to play.

When I got home, Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table. He was staring at his hands and he didn’t look at me as I entered the room. I greeted him carefully as I took off my coat and shoes. His voice was icy. “We need to talk.”

“We do.” I agreed. I didn’t know what to expect, but by his tone, it wasn’t good. As I took a seat at the table, his eyes met mine, and he proceeded to tell me that he was moving out to live with a guy he knew. I tried to tell him it was unnecessary, but he won’t let me speak. He continued to explain that he thought rooming with me was a bad idea. I knew he was really telling me that he didn’t mean to kiss me that that was the bad idea.

“I know I messed up the other night, but you don’t have to go.” I said wide-eyed, pleading. “Because what happened… I’ve wanted that for a long time.” My voice was weak.

“No… Meagan, it’s time and that’s all.” He face was emotionless as he stood up from the table. “I’m leaving in the morning.”

“Wait! Please. Don’t.” My voice cracked. “I want you to stay. I should have told you that I… I” I stammered for a moment. “I wanted to tell you that I wanted you to kiss me again.” I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

He shook his head, his face unreadable. “I realized last night that I’m in too deep with you… and I don’t want that.” His voice was harsh. I shivered as my ears ached from the sound of his words. Even my best friend didn’t want me.

I should have told him he was being an idiot moving out. We were still