A Long and Lonely road - Maddy Crate (best e reader for epub TXT) 📗

in each other, the young men wanted nothing more than to stay like this forever. Jackson knew that they couldn't and Mark knew that even if they could people would frown upon it.

Sighing, Mark tried another tactic," What if you just choose one or two people to explain it to? Try explaining it to Jinyoung and Jaebum first? Or BamBam and YoungJae? Save Yugyeom for last?"

Jackson mulled over the idea for a bit. Would it be so bad as to let them know?

"I'll do it," Jackson hesitates," but only if you're there too. And only two at a time."

"Of course." Marks whispers, before pulling Jackson closer and allowing them to fall asleep.

- The Next Morning -

Looking back on it, both the young men should've know what would happen. It was sort of guaranteed.

The teasing.

Yugyeom's greatest strength, they always told him, after his dancing, was his amazing affinity to tease everyone just so that they were irritated enough to want to hurt somebody but have no words to use against him.

"Ah, hyungs, what have you been up to?" He grinned innocently.

"We were sleeping, until you were here." Jackson muttered tiredly.

"Oh, Jackson hyung, are you angry I took you out of your snuggle session with Markie Poo?"

"Yah, that's Markie Poo-ssi to you, dongsaeng." Mark spoke, shouts only slightly muffled by Jacksons hair.

"Of course hyung. I just wanted to know what you two did last night." Yugyeom nudged the two.

"We were celebrating the fact that we didn't have to deal with this annoying child we know." Mark emphasized annoying.

"Oh, you two already have kids? Wow, working fast guys."

"Yeah, he's far too tall and has this really bad habit of being a brat. Actually, I think you know who I'm talking about." 

Before things could go any further, Kunpimook came up to the large, annoying, golden retriever of a boy, and dragged him into the kitchen.

"Definitely telling him last." Jackson muttered into Mark's shoulder.

Mark laughed, his chest vibrating pleasantly, and a warm sensation spread itself through-out Jackson, causing him to smile into his favourite hyung's skin.

- Later that day -

Mark had asked Jinyoung and Jaebum to come into their shared room, amd Jackson was slowly melting into a puddle of nerves.

There were so many doubts that he was having. What if they didn't believe him? Thought he was pathetic? Thought he wasn't mentally stable and told him he had to leave the group? Or worse, what if they convinced Mark that Jackson wasn't worthy of his affection?

He would be heartbroken if he had to leave Mark, if they were separated, but Jackson thought that life might not be worth living if Mark didn't want him in any way.

He was brought out of his scary thoughts by the sound of the door opening, and the two oldest and Jinyoung.

Mark immediately sat besides Jackson, and held his hand. Jackson savoured it with the idea that after this talk he might not be able to come near Mark.

Mark squeezed Jackson's hand and that was all it took for him to start explaining. He started from when he first started being depressed, then moved onto when he started hurting himself. He answered all the questions they had and then broached the next topic, refusing food and the little voice in his head.

Jinyoung had the most questions, like; What makes you feel better? What type of food do you enjoy eating? Can you convince yourself that anything you do is okay or will the voice tell you no? 

Jackson answered as many questions as he could, slightly relieved that Jinyoung was concerned for him, not disgusted by him.

He needed a little more coaxing from Mark to tell them that he hated himself, and, sometimes,...wanted to die.

The mood of the room had gone from curious,understanding and sympathetic to downright depressing and heavy.

The explanation for this took longer than the others, with many pauses and shaky breaths. Twice Mark had to just hold Jackson until Jackson said he was okay and could continue.

At the end of it all, Jinyoung had moved over to sit next to him and was holding his other hand. Jaebum was staring straight into his eyes with an understanding look.

Jackson spoke one last time, "I just, I think all this but what right do I have? Because there are children and adults who would do anything fo live my life! I'm so ungrateful and I just-." 

Jaebum stands up to ruffle Jacksons hair,"Just because people are worse off than you don't mean your problems are any less real."

Jaebum smiles at Jackson and pats his shoulder, "You'll be alright."

"We love you. All of us. So don't feel like we don't want you around. Because we do." Jinyoung squeezes Jackson around his waist and then stands up.

"I have to go make dinner. I'll make andong jjimdak (찜닭). That's the one you can/like to eat, right?"

And so, Jackson eats the comforting food that his mother used to make, with the reassuring knowledge that he has two more people who understand and Mark.

He'll always have Mark.  Chapter Four

They were five weeks into creating the album, and everyone had learnt their lines for each song.

The maknae line were having the most fun, constantly posting on Twitter and Instagram and filling the studio with even louder laughter than usual.

BamBam and YoungJae had been playing Uno together at the coffe table, Yugyeom off playing on the computer or X-box, or maybe just dancing.

The two were giggling away, making sounds of frustration every now and then, sometimes bursting out into loud laughter that echoed through out the dorm.

Mark walked up to them and sat down next to BamBam, "Hey, guys, let's have a talk."

"Are we in trouble, hyung?" BamBam immediately asks.

"Nope, but Jackson has something he needs to tell you, so you need to come to our room."

The mood becomes more serious and YoungJae automatically starts putting away the cards. There were thoughts swirling around in both of their heads and they were both slightly scared about what was to come.

Mark leads them to his room and closes the door behind them once they're all in.

Unable to help himself, BamBam asks if this is about his journal. The answer is affirmative and BamBam straightens his back quickly.

Jackson takes a few hours to fully explain everything that had been going on in his life and YoungJae had been shifting towards all human contact, wanting reassurance that everyone was real and there.

BamBam, at some point, had started a slow but steady flow of tears, a heavy feeling in his chest and a block in his throat.

The two listened carefully and became lulled into a calm state, where they were reassured by their elders interactions.

Mark would rub soothing circles onto Jacksons skin and in return he would get a head placed upon his shoulder.

Jackson would squeeze Marks knee and each time, depdnding on how hard he did it, Mark woulitd react. He either: held his hand, kissed his cheek, ruffled his hair, or wrapped an arm around him.

Mark would set a hand upon Jackson's shoulder and Jackson would straighten up and his voice would become stronger.

They had a whole, intricate system that contained secret looks, body language, code words and a varying degree of skinship.

It was something that anyone and everyone (who weren't Mak and Jackson) would never be able to understand and would never be able to unlock.

It was touching, really, how much they trusted each other, because they had always trusted each other with little things, but now they trusted each other with everything.

BamBam, at times, chose to compare them to himself and Yugyeom. He didn't know if it was as obvious but he was his best friend. They also had a system, but it was much easier for people to understand and and less intimate.

YoungJae, Jinyoung and Jaebum were also really close, and BamBam thinks that if he had never met Mark and Jackson, he would have thought they were the closest beings in the known Universe.

 All of his hyungs just seemed to know what to do for each other and what they other was thinking, without any words being said.

----------

YoungJae listened carefully to everything that was said to them, to everything that was explained to them. At some points he made a whining noise in the back of throat, as if to protest to the things Jackson was saying.

He didn't like what he was hearing and he couldn't even use the reassurance that he could for most things that scared him "it isn't real", because it most certainly was!

How could this have happened to their 'happiest' hyung?

----------

After a few hours of talking with his hyungs and BamBam, and a thirty minute cuddle session (as if to say 'I'm here'), YoungJae found himself on his phone, ready to Google.

He entered the first word he wanted explained. Thank you, Wikipedia.

'Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being. People with depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience overeating or loss of appetite, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present.'

Going through all that and being an idol? You already have so much pressure on you to be great and Knetz judging, but with this, you already have your own judgmental little voice!

THANK YOU HATERS, BUT WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!!!

Psht, little know-it-alls, thinking they know everything about us.

Shutting his phone off, YoungJae decides he is done with life and goes back to Mark and Jackson's room.

He opens the door to their room and then closes it behind him. He finds his hyungs half-asleep, cuddling on their beds (which they had pulled together so that they wouldn't fall off the choosen bed when they cuddled).

"Oh, YoungJae, what's up?" Mark asks, one of his arms untangling from Jackson.

YoungJae accepts the invitation and snuggles in between the two and explains, very seriously, "I am done with life. I'm going to find a farm and live on it. Either as an animal or a man. I don't care at this point."

Mark and Jackson laugh, creating an enveloping warm feeling that YoungJae loves.

He's glad the two had each other, and he's glad there was such a thing as Got7.

----------

As BamBam falls asleep next to his best friend, he realises that Got7 is probably the best thing that had ever happened to any of them. Even if it had come with a few hardships, he thought it was worth it in the long run. 

Chapter Five