A Long and Lonely road - Maddy Crate (best e reader for epub TXT) 📗

 Hi guys, 

As you can see, I'm back on Bookrix after two years! My work has gotten significantly better, although I know I can still improve.

I hope you enjoy this!

*Please note that I have uploaded this on other sites under the name 'secretly_awesome' , so no, I am not copying someone else's work, I just wanted to share this work here. (It's also on Qoutev under a Korean phrase)*

*Please note that I have uploaded this on other sites under the name 'secretly_awesome' , so no, I am not copying someone elses work, I just wanted to share this work here. (It's also on Qoutev under a Korean phrase)*

Jackson had being feeling depressed for at least a year or so, and it was finally starting to show. His happy acting on broadcasts were finally showing cracks. He'd laugh a little late at a joke, (and the excuse of being the carefree, 'dumb' one was wearing thin). He'd forget that his smile wasn't a smile, but a grimace for moments, and people would be confused and/or slightly disgusted by the face he'd end up making. There were times when he absolutely hated the cameras and almost wished that there were no Got7 fans (but that would always be something he never wanted to happen. Got7 were happy, the IGot7s were happy, why should he mess with that?) Because his life was being filmed and he couldn't ever find time for himself to...to...deal with anything.

But, he finally cracked, when they pulled a hidden camera on him.

It was cruel, even if they didn't know that he was depressed and insecure. This was horrible. Making sure, for the for whole day that he was put down. Everything he did was criticized. People went out of their way to take offense to what he said and make him feel bad. 

(6:00 am)

"Jackson, wake up! It's time for an interview!! Did you forget? Can't you do anything by yourself? Aish, really." Jaebum barged into his room before slamming the door shut. Behind the door, Jaebum grinned at the camera, giddy at the thought of the prank he was playing. On the other side of the door, Jackson was confused.

(6:30 am)

"Aish, hyung, really! The make up isn't done properly or something, your face still disgusts me!" Yugyeom smirked slightly at Jackson's face in the mirror.

"Ah, sorry, Yugyeomie, but the swag that I have can't be contained by make up."

"What swag? All I see is zits, pimples and ugly." A passing Jinyoung says.

'He's just pissed and the maknae is being childish. They probably don't mean it...or they might. It's true, either way. Who would bother to even slap this? It's horrible.'

(7:15 am/ 5 painful insults later)

Jackson had cracked a joke in the interveiw and got cut off by Mark.

"Jackson," Mark paused for a low laugh, not caught by anyone except for BamBam next to him, "The world will still go 'round if you stop talking," thinking the comment harsh he adds on, "Breath."

Jackson wishes he didn't have to.

(8:35am, after the interveiw/ 2 hurried explanations and 7 insults later)

"Jackson, calm down. Nobody wants all that excitement near them."

And,

"Back up BamBam, the idiot oozing off this guy might be contagious! AWAY, JACKSON! This boy still has a future!"

(11:00 am/9 insults and one pause in the bathroom to calm down later)

"Time for lunch guys!" Staff tell the boys.

"Um, no thanks. This man has to go work out, the ladies love the muscles!" Jackson pulls out his 'guns' before heading towards the gym part of JYP.

"Yeah, hyung," shouts Youngjae, "I see a lot of stomach that needs to go!" /Wait, isn't this the 13th time this month Jackson refused food?/

(11:45 am/ a serious workout later)

The boys barge in after their lunch and get ready for dance practice.

It goes smoothly, but as soon as Jackson makes any mistakes, there is immediate scolding, until almost an hour later, when Jackson finally ask what's wrong.

"I-is eveyone okay? I feel like the the nerd girl being picked on by all the popular girls. Are you guys practicing for a drama?" This is by far the lamest 'joke' he's said.

"Really, Jackson? Can't you even take dance practice seriously? What's wrong with you today?" Jaebum explodes.

"Yeah, everyone else has been fine except for you!" BamBam puts in. /No, they haven't. Jinyoung tripped twice, Youngjae forgot his place, Mark slipped on BamBam's shoelace and Jaebum tore Yugyeoms shirt when he pulled them both to the floor./

"Sorry! I guess that the Wang Master has decided to take a day off and the Swag Lord has messed up with his new role. He's not used to dancing. He's better at rapping."

"Shut up, Jackson, this isn't a joke, focus!" One of the staff members shouts.

Silently, Jackson goes through the rest of the dance practice, ignoring every scolding and insult he gets.

(05:56 pm/ end of dance practice)  

Jackson took one last look at his members, several of which had just seriously insulted him in the past few hours, before storming out the door, slamming it shut.

(9:30 pm/ no one had found Jackson in the past four hours)

/'Chin up', 'Big smile,now', 'loud laughter', 'LOTS of enthusiasm, if you please!', 'Don't get upset when you're put down, play it off'.

Am I not allowed to feel? Am I supposed to be some sort of happy, robot? Do I have to laugh and find amusement even when I am hurt? 

Even though these things are (usually) never said, certainly, they are implied.

What is my role, then? Who am I? What purpose do I serve?

I've worked hard for where I am now, so why does it feel so unsatisfactory?

Aish...there are so many people out there who would DIE to have my life. They would do anything for my position. People out there have lives far worse than mine, what right do I have to complain?

Is it that obvious that I am un-needed? Have they finally realised that Got7 only needs me because the name? Is this their way of showing me, telling me I can go now.

Sometimes, I really wish I had taken the opportunity to kill myself when I had it./

Jackson had been writing in his journal by the edge off the roof for ages now, a tear occasionally streaking down down his face.

Jackson sighed, placing the pen inbetween the pages, closing the journal and tying it shut. He heaved himself up, taking a step towards the edge, and looked down. How easy it would be to let himself die.

Swiftly, with the journal tucked under his arm, he turned and plodded off towards his dorm. 

When he arrived there, he walked straight towards his room shared with Mark, ignoring all of his members that he passed. Pulling off his shirt and kicking off his shoes, he collapsed on his bed, ignoring Mark's quiet, "Are you okay?" and quickly went to sleep, because why would Mark actually care?

***

Mark watched as Jackson's grip loosened on the journal. It thumped to the ground, the loose knot unraveling and allowing Mark to see words written in a familiar scrawl.

Hesitantly, he picked it up, a sentence catching his eye : "It's really hard not to think about cutting, it's only been two days since I've last done it, and it's getting really hard to resist."

Slightly horrified, Mark flicks to another page.

"If I could be someone else for a day, I think I would choose to be my mother. That way, I could see how I act (do I put on a good show?) and know what it's like to be loved."

And another.

"I almost commited suicide today. I was so close. One more move and I could have ended it all. That would've been nice. But it also would've been selfish."

He kept going through the pages, crying slightly, until finally, he found the most recent entry.

"...Have they finally realised that Got7 only needs me because the name?...What purpose do I serve?...I've worked hard for where I am now, so why does it feel so unsatisfactory?...Is it that obvious that I am un-needed?...Do I have to laugh and find amusement even when I am hurt?...What right do I have to complain?...Sometimes, I really wish I had taken the opportunity to kill myself when I had it... Is this their way of showing me, telling me I can go now?..."

Shakily Mark walks out of the room, joining the rest off his members in the living room. He hands the journal to Jaebum.

"I-it's Jackson's." He hiccups, drawing attention to his blotchy face and red eyes, making Jinyoung pull him into a hug.

Jaebum opens it up with a concerned look that slowly turns into one off terror with Youngjae's and Jinyouny's, who had been reading over his shoulder.

"What is it, hyung?" BamBam asks softly.

Youngjae lets out a soft whimper and stops reading, going to whisper with BamBam and Yugyeom. Soon enough, all three look upset.

"You do realize that Jackson might quit?" Jinyoung tells them," After today, he might ask to cancel his contract, or ask if he can be removed from the group."

No one seemed to like the idea.

Jaebum shakes his head frustratedly, "I don't think he will, he's too selfless. He'll think of the fans and then simply let the thought of leaving, leave his mind."

"It's still not right! Jackson's been feeling like this for a while now! After today, I can't even imagine what he's feeling now." Mark said, his soft voice almost cracking.

There's a stiff silence in the room for a solid 30 minutes as the members awake cuddle and contemplate what to do. The maknae line all just wanted to snuggle up to Jackson in bed, but realised that it would be hard to explain and slightly awkward.

 Jinyoung really wanted to talk to the boy, get him to open up personally so that he could smother him with love and baby him until his cheeks were pink.

Mark just wanted to be there for him. Whatever Jackson wanted/needed, Mark wanted to be able to provide it. As a best friend, he felt it was his duty. Although, he realised, Jackson might not want to talk about anything, he might not want to bring it up at all. And that would be a problem. How was  Mark going to help if he doesn't know how to?

And Jaebum...He felt like he had failed as a leader. He hadn't noticed that his close friend and teammate was depressed. What kind of leader was he? All the doubts he had ever had were floating in his mind, as if the new found revelation about Jackson solidized an untrue fact; 'Im Jaebum is a horrible person, not fit to be a leader, a hyung, a friend or an idol', and it hurt him deeply.

"I'm going to bed," Mark announced finally,"we don't have a schedule tomorrow, so we can confront Jackson then. Night."

And then, slowly, the rest of the members trickle out of the living room and into the shared rooms, ready to sleep.