The Foundations of Personality - Abraham Myerson (best large ereader .txt) 📗
- Author: Abraham Myerson
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which are to adjust us in a pleasing way to our superiors, equals
and inferiors, and to the various conventional situations of
life. Naturally these will vary greatly in different ages and
different countries. A democracy acknowledging in theory no
superiors will insist that every man be called “sir” and every
woman “madam,” whereas an aristocracy laughs at that. In reality
there is no democracy anywhere, and so we address differently the
woman of the mansion and the woman of the hovel, The mistress of
the house calls her maid by her first name but would wonder what
the world is coming to if the maid became as familiar. In a
limited sense, manners and courtesy are conventional ways of
doing things, as the way of living, the tipping of the hat, the
form of greetings, the way of eating, but these conventions have
great value to the majority of people as evidencing breeding and
training or the lack (superiority or inferiority), and also as
removing doubt and choice, so that things run smoothly and
without contradiction. In a more noble sense, manners and
courtesy prescribe conduct in order to proscribe offense to the
self-valuation of others. Convention says, “Address people as if
they were your equals at least; don’t contradict brusquely
because that implies their inferiority or stupidity; avoid too
controversial topics since bitterness and humiliation may thus
arise; do not notice defects or disabilities for the same reason;
do not brag or be too conspicuous, since to boast of superiority
is to imply the inferiority of others, and they will dislike
you,” etc. We tend to dislike and hate those who make us feel
inferior, except under those special circumstances where
sex-love, awe and admiration enter to make a certain inferiority
desirable or befitting. So a large part of manners and courtesy
concern themselves with the formulae of conduct which avoid this
result to others, and we are also enjoined to conduct ourselves
so that others will not regard us as inferior. We speak of a man
as a “low person” if he eats with his knife, and very few things
so humiliate us as the knowledge that we have behaved in an
unmannerly way. One of the great purposes, then, is to be
conventional, to behave, dress and “look” according to an
accepted standard, one that is laid down for age, sex and social
station. There are people to whom convention is truly almost
holy, and true to our principle of variability, there are others
who hate convention.
Because many writers have shot shafts of satire and ridicule at
convention and custom, and because of the enormous reading
public, the artificial nature of convention has been emphasized
to that large part of the community that desires to be different
merely for the sake of being different, and there is built up a
conventional unconventionality. It has become the mark of the
artist, the great in spirit, to be unconventional (at least in
novels), and so there are a hundred “unconventional” poseurs to
one genuinely free in spirit. Anything that becomes a dogma or a
cult is not unconventional, for it is the standard or the custom
of a group. Most Bohemians, so-called, are poseurs and
conventionalized to their marrow. And most of the really
unconventional are “freaks,” “odd sticks” whose grotesque
individualities cannot conform. But in the mass of the
unconventional one finds here and there, like nuggets of gold in
sand, the true reformers of the world.
The “poseurs” in custom have their analogies in the pompous,
over-dignified and over-important; the affected, in a word.
Affectation is felt to be a disharmony between the pose and the
inner values or an attempt to win superiority or “difference” of
a superior kind by acting. In either case it excites ridicule,
hatred or disgust, and shafts at it form part of the stock in
trade of the satirist, humorist and indeed every portrayer of
life. What men demand of each other is sincerity, and even where
the insincerity is merely a habitual pose it arouses hostile
feeling which expresses itself all the way from criticism to the
overt act.
Since to feel superior is so highly prized in social
relationships of all kinds, part of the technique of those
seeking some advantage or other—economic, social, personal—from
those who must be influenced is to give them the feeling of
superiority. Flattery, cajolement, humble supplication and the
finer maneuvers of tact, all have this in mind. These however are
palatable to the intelligent only when felt to be sincere and
when emanating from some one more or less esteemed, though there
are plenty who “fall” for the grossest flattery from almost any
one, whose ego feeling is easily inflated with a corresponding
shrinking in judgment and common sense. In the relations of men
and women, flattery in one shape or another plays an enormous
role —from the effect on women of the statement or implication
in a subtle or gross way that they are charming, and the effect
on men of acknowledged superiority in strength courage or
intelligence. Of course, in both cases the effect is partly in
the physical attractiveness of the flatterer and tends to become
ridiculous when he or she is without charm. The simpering
language that is irresistible when uttered by a starry-eyed maid
of eighteen loses somewhat in beauty and effect when emanating
from the lips of bespectacled forty. The power to use and the
power to resist flattery in any of its forms have played almost
as great a role in the history of the race as strength, beauty or
intelligence.
It would be futile to elaborate in detail the various ways of
seeking superiority or resisting inferiority. Two directions of
this impulse need some attention, as they lead to personality
traits of great importance. “Having one’s way” becomes a dominant
desire with many people, and much of the clashing that occurs in
families, organizations and the council chambers of nations
arises from a childish, egoistic seeking of superiority. People
enter into the most heated and sterile arguments, often coming to
blows, if the course of conduct they desire to have followed is
modified or blocked. Even when secretly convinced that they are
wrong, husbands and wives will continue to insist on victory, for
too often the domestic relationship is a struggle for leadership
and dominance rather than a partnership and a conference. Two
heads are better than one when the intelligence within the heads
is of good grade and when the desire for superiority does not
take trivial directions. And the effect of yielding to the whims
of children is to develop an irritable, domineering egoism bent
on having its own way, resisting reasonable compromise or
correction. The greatest benefit of discipline and above all of
contact with equals to a child is in the effect on this phase of
egoism, i. e., that cooperation means compromise; to be
reasonable implies listening with respect to others’ plans and to
accept better ways of doing things, even if they have originated
with others; in other ways the subordinating of trivial egoism.
The large families of other days offered the conflict of wills
and its consequent lesson within the home; to-day the solitary
child, or the one whose brother or sister is three, four or five
years younger or older must go into the streets to obtain this
discipline or else go without. The indulged have this form of
inferior egoism more than do those who have been roughly handled,
and so it is more common in women of the better-to-do classes and
in men who have always exercised authority. It is of course found
in what is known as the stubborn person, —he whose will is law
to himself and who seeks to make it law to others. Ordinarily the
stubborn person is merely a nuisance, but also, if he couples
that stubbornness with intelligence and some especial ability, he
may reach great heights, though he is seldom popular.
A sub-form of having one’s own way is the adherence to one’s own
“opinion.” The clash of opinions is in its noblest aspect the
basis of knowledge; the correction of opinion that results when
man meets man is the growth of tolerance and urbanity. Wide
reading, travel and experience teach us that our opinions can
never be absolutely right, and we grow to look upon them in a
detached sort of way. In fact, the prime result of the growth of
intelligence and of experience is to make one, as it were,
objective toward oneself, to view one’s own thoughts, beliefs and
emotions with some humor and skepticism. But the uncultured, the
narrow, the inexperienced, the young and the strongly egotistic
never detach themselves from their opinions, and their opinions
are themselves. Attack an opinion, contradict or amend it,—and a
sort of fighting spirit is aroused. Argument differs from
discussion in that it seeks all means to win—ridicule,
sophistry, and personal attack —and it is by far the more
common. There was a time when opinion was entirely enslaved, when
only the ruler might venture on a new belief or its expression;
then there came a time when the right to freedom of opinion and
its expression was conceded, and now, with huge forces
confronting one another, freedom of opinion[1] is again
threatened. But that is an issue larger than our subject.
[1] The most profound contribution to the subject of discussion
and freedom of opinion in recent years has been written by Walter
Lippman in the Atlantic Monthly, September, 1920.
You may judge a man by his type of argument and his reaction to
the opinions of others. One should hold to his own beliefs and
opinions, but only if they withstand the assaults of reason. To
build ego feeling into opinions is to make ignorance sacred. For
most of us there are certain opinions that we will not tolerate,
and there are others to which we are indifferent. There are those
who feel it incumbent on themselves to contradict any opinion,
even if they agree fundamentally with it. The mere fact that some
one else gave it utterance arouses a sort of jealousy. Then there
are others who will not permit any opinion of their own to be
discussed, to whom it is a personal affront to do this. What we
call urbanity is tolerance of other opinions; what we call
reasonableness is the willingness to change opinions if
convinced. What we call vacillation is to have no fixed opinion,
to be influenced at once by the opinions of others. The pleasure
sought in argument is a victory for our opinions and thus for
ourselves.
Here Montaigne’s wisdom aptly expresses itself: “We deride
ourselves a hundred times when we mock our neighbor.” He is
stubborn and unreasonable who does not agree with us. “Be
reasonable,” cry the unreasonable as they argue. “How stubborn
and pigheaded you are,” say those inaccessible to reason. The
difficulty in reaching a true estimate of the world, ourselves
and our neighbors lies in the egoism which permeates our beliefs
and opinions.
A second direction of the impulse to superiority is personal
beauty. Not only does the young girl (or any other, male or
female) dress and adorn herself to attract those whose good
opinion she seeks, but also she seeks superiority over her
competitors. Her own self-valuation increases with the
admiration of some and the discomfiture of others. To be
beautiful, attractive or pretty becomes thus a goal to many aims
of the personality; it offers a route to success in obtaining
power, riches, etc.; it yields the longed-for admiration, and it
gives the satisfaction of superiority. It rarely has in it any
ideal of service or of help, though beauty in the abstract is an
ideal of high value. To desire to be beautiful physically as a
leading aim
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