Inside - A. D. (novels to read in english txt) 📗

not fit in anywhere.I can't fit in with friends.I can't fit in with family.I can't even fit in to the work life.So tell me god where do I fit in.Cause I don't think it's here.I'm beginning to think I don't belong anywhere.I'm stressed to the max and I can't sleep worth shit.I don't know what's wrong with me.I get so frustrated sometimes that I just wanna slam my head down a thousand times until I'm normal or at least think straight.It sucks to be me.I don't even know myself anymore.I'm lonely and socail anxiety at the same time.If I do sign up for college would I even go.Let alone make it.Would if I do but I'm still not happy.I just want to feel okay.Not even completely happy just okay.I'm tired already.I'm not sure if pushing myself is the right thing.Everyone says just do it.Don't think.But I did that when I was working at McDonalds.I hated it.I hated the people.I would rather die than work there at one point.Now I can't even put in a application without flipping out.There's something wrong with me.I need help or medication.I'm tired of dealing with this all by myself.It's too much for me.Too much stress on my body and mental state.Just thinking about my issues makes me choke up.My head starts hurting and then I get violent to myself.I don't know how to deal with it anymore.I'm not in control of anything.Sometimes I can't even breathe.Everything hurts.It's not worth pushing through for me sometimes.It makes me second guess my life everyday.Yeah i smoke but you know it goes away so fast and then I'm back at square one.I drink but god it's exspensive for someone who doesn't have a job.I'm so poor that I haven't bought anything new since god knows how long.I've been using the same shaver since the beginning of 2017.I eat off of food stamps and most of the time I don't get to eat it cause everyone else gets to it before I can.I don't have anything and everyone knows I'm not going to ask.Even if I did it would be a big deal.I try to find a job but no one is serious.I want to go to college just to do something but no one ever has time to help me sign up.I don't know what I' doing or what's going to happen to me but god I hope it ends soon. Dear Whoever

 I'm not really sure what to say.That's what's been happening lately.It's like I have too much to say that I just don't know how to.I'm stuck just thinking it instead of saying it.

 

My boyfriend is still the same.Still buying stolen things for me instead of buying them brand new.I haven't gotten a ring yet like he said he would.I'm still being ignored and argued with.

 

My sister is still planning on leaving.What she doesn't know is that in 3 months when she comes back for me I won't be here waiting like a dog.She made her choice and now it's time to make mine.

 

I don't know where I'll go.I have a few thoughts on it but nothing is settled.In a way I guess it's a good thing that my sister has decided to leave me.I can finally go and do what I want.No one there to judge me.Atleast not up in my face.

 

I was thinking Colorado.Or just somewhere not hot like this god forsaken desert.Moving to Vegas would be like staying here.I'm ready for a new location.A new life entirely.

 

Or I might go to Washington where my nephew is going.The only thing stopping me is those people who take care of him.They have screwed me up so bad that at one point I didn't want to live.I still don't because I'm here with them.

 

Or I could stay in Cali.I love this place.No other place has the beaches that we do.California is all I've ever kown and maybe I'm not ready to leave it.

 

I just get so scared that if I take Stephen away from all this scum he might not change in anyway.That's all I want him to do.I just want a real relationship.The in love kind.The kind that you can't live without.

 

This summer I really should be getting a job and saveing.But I think I should just take it to relax again.You know before August comes around.That's when my life offically starts.

 

Come August I'll be in college working for whatever I'm interested in.There they will help me find a good job that is perfect for me.Then I can start my clothing line and be set.College is where it is at.

 

I even want to start my own blog.Would you guys like that?Would I even be any good at it?Who knows until you try right.

 

I'm just going to be focusing on me.No one else but me.I'm going to be 21 soon and have nothing on the ball for me.That is just going to have to change.I need to progress or just die.Don't want to die so I'm going to make moves.

 

It's time to stop being a child.I'm an adult now and need to take adult actions.I hope this motivates some of you too!I never got that.

 

 

Dear Whoever

 All you can eat is a hashbrown.Just one hashbrown from Jack in the box or Mcdonald's.If your on the bigger side you can have two but that's it.To drink you can have something sweet or if you perfer water that's even better.

 

Keep yourself busy!Exercising, writing, running, hangingout with friends, anything to keep you away from that fridge.I just go out away from the house alot.Maybe you should try that too.

 

Find somewhere to get motivation!A picture of your favorite skinny model or singer would do.Or you can go on google and look up skinny girls tumblr.Works everytime.

 

If you can push yourself all the way to the end of the day congradulations you've made it one day.How do you feel?Horrible?That just means it's working.Slowly but surely you will be pretty and thin.Just wait!

 

You could also motivate each other.Meaning your friends that are trying to do the same thing.It works even better when you both are trying to get to the same goal.Help each other and the results will be everything.

 

Once you've got it down, here's where people start to notice.They will talk about you or to you about it.Don't let them stop you!They are just jealous that your strong and can control your own weight.

 

Everyone who tries to stop you is fat themselves.Remember that!This is your life.If you want to be skinny that's your choice.Don't let others make your decisions for your life cause in the end you won't be happy they will. 

 

I don't recommend throwing up.But if it works for it works for you.I on the other hand find this way easier for me.I never did make myself throw up.So why should you?

 

Lie and deny!Tell everyone you've been working out.If you get caught up just deny it.It's your word against theirs.Fuck them all who have an opinion.

 

Sooner or later you'll have to wing yourself off of all food together.Don't worry if you've made it this far it'll be easy.It'll be like nothing and sooner or later you'll feel nothing.Yes that's right no hunger pains anymore.

 

Once you've done that you can start buliding your own feeding schedule.Meaning when you can eat and which days you starve.

Dear Whoever

 The world is probably crueler than you thought.It's run by nothing but what society has made popular.You don't have money your not worth shit!You don't have a manison with nice wips somewhere your a bum!You single but not poppin you gay!

 

Your not pretty enough or skinny enough so you starve to get that perfect body everyone thinks is bomb.You dye and cut your hair a certain way.You workout and push yourself to be the american dream.

 

For what?Don't say it's cause that's who you are!You know it's a lie.You think your well liked but it's the person you pretend to be.They don't like the chill reading books all day type.They love the fake you that posts snaps on what you got.

 

Stop trying to get attention from people that don't give a damn about the real you.In reality they only care about themselves and money.When you flawnt that just gives them a reason to steal from you.

 

It's sad to say but the world is fucked up.Yes we all know that.So what you need to do is make the best of it.Don't sit and dwell cause that's when you drown.They want money so make it.Or you will never make it.

 

Sad but it's true.Make it your life.Make it to where no one else can follow your lifestyle.Be that rich person that gives out hundreds to the poor.Be the person that is comfortable with who you are and what you look like.

 

Remember that happiness in yourself is key to surviving this fucked world.Do what you feel is right.Be kind and stay to yourself.You will find in the end that it was less stressful for you.And never ever forget to be yourself!

 

People like you more when you are honest.When you don't steal what is not yours.They will remember the one that gave not took.The one that was a kind to everyone no matter what.Now that is a true blessing. 

 

     

Dear Whoever