Inside - A. D. (novels to read in english txt) 📗

Dear Whoever

I lived my life like any other person.I lived through death,loneliness,bullying,depression,anxiety,and much more.These things are what have made me in a way.They have broke me down and even built me up at times.By that I mean they have constructed me today.

 

I really have no idea who I am still.All I really know is that I like to write and lots of genres of music.My favorite animal is a dog but that's all that is consistent.Everything else is unpredictable.

 

Sometimes my choices can be thrilling.Some may be death threatening which scares me.I can't always control myself from certain situations before they happen.I surprise myself a lot of the time of the choices I make.

 

Friends and family say they know me but really they don't at all.I'm really capable of anything and everything.I find myself shying away from oppurtunities of new friends because I feel crazy.Inside of me is something I can not control.Anything can be a trigger in my personality and it can make me do things that I might not normally do.

 

Which is why I say people don't know me.No matter how close we are.I can switch up on you and myself.I'm crazy and I know this.That's why I don't say what is really on my mind due to the judgement I may get in return.

 

I've tried it all.Medicines...Self harm...Alcohol...Even therapy.None of it helped me.Most of it just made it worse or made me realize just how crazy I really am.

 

I've apologized so many times for my weird out bursts and silence but I'm tired of it.I'm tired of hiding who I am.I've been spending so many years of my life trying to figure out who I am that I totally by passed what was right in front of me.Who I am is not one person but is many.

 

I don't expect you to understand that.It took me half my life to figure it out but I did.I have what they call a boderline personality disorder.Which means one day I might be shy and quiet but the next I will be your typical party girl.I have so many different personalities that love so many different things which is why I'm unpredictable.

 

I have regonized my disorder and grown to understand it more as I began to notice it everyday.It even goes as far as changing my style completely the next day or throughout the day.As you read on you too will start to point it out.Sure you don't know me in my everyday life but even my texts change.

 

I'll just give you an idea how to point them out.One is very promiscuous which loves to talk about boys and underwear.Another is quite the fashionist.Other is depressed and lays in her bed all day.Another is really outgoing.The next is playfull.Last but not least is my host whom is very sweet with a side of socail anxiety.There's more but I'll let you figure them out.

 

This is just the introduction of my life.What your about to read is restricted content only.I'm writing this just so I can give people a sense of what actually goes on in the head of someone with a disorder.Some of this may be offensive but aren't all great stories?

Dear Whoever

Lately I've been feeling different.Like I'm sleepwalking or something.I've been not knowing who I really am...I don't feel safe.Not with myself.Not with anyone anymore.

 

It's hard for me to make friends actually.Some people may find me cool as fuck while some may look at me weird.When this happens it makes me feel real bad.So bad that it makes me want to hurt myself sometimes.But I don't.For those of you who think I'm cool or fun it's a lie.

 

I put up fronts to make myself seem cooler.It's never failed me once yet but it gets exhausting.I just try to be who you all want me to be.With all my different personalities it gets hard sometimes.I can't just always change who I am at the moment.It doesn't work like that.

 

When you have socail anxiety it makes it almost impossible to go out and make friends.I won't talk which makes me seem weird.I feel everyone is looking at me or too close to me.I don't do good in large groups which is why I keep my circles small.

 

In order for me to be myself around someone they would have to be super close to me.By that I mean we would have to hit it off right off the bat.Zero weirdness.I have only met a couple of those in my life time.Other than that it's always been people who think they know me but really don't have a clue.

 

 I'm at the point in my life where friends are overrated.Relationships are overrated.Everything in my life is just overrated.I don't know what's wrong with me.Between work and my daily chores I haven't really had time to think about anything really.

 

I have no idea how I'm feeling.I don't know if it's numb or pained.Maybe it's just nothing cause I really just feel like nothing.

 

Everyday is the same.No excitement.Nothing.I've tried to buy new things to spice it up but it just doesn't seem to be working.I work way to hard at my job.I thought I like working ther but of course the anxiety kicks back in.Sometimes I feel like crying when I go in but I can't cause I need the money.

 

I need the money so I can move out to a new home.I don't really know where I'm going.I guess I'm just in cruise control for right now.I'm not making any decisions right now.I'm just going with the flow.

 

Still trotting along just waiting for something to make me want to life again.Anything...

Dear Whoever

 Today is a great day.Or at least was supposed to be.I do the same thing every day it feels like.Go to work for 8 hours everyday except for one if I'm lucky.When I come home I'm tired.The day is gone and it's time to go to bed.

 

No time for hanging out.No time for chores.No time for anything these days.My time has be taken up that I don't even remember what I love.I have no time to think.I only do.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm not even moving when in reality my life is fast past.I truly understand the meaning now of don't grow up it's a trap.It really is.I'm not saying I want to go back to school or I want to be a child.All I'm saying is why must we work for everything.

 

This world is meant to be shared with others than your self as well.So tell me why we have jobs to pay for things that should be free for eveyone?I just don't understand it.We fight all around the world to prove what?More dead bodies on our hands?More power?More greed?

 

Stop it!Stop fighting over things god has given us all to share.It's not your food!It's not your land!It's not your money!It's not your world!It's ours!So stop acting like your better than everyone else just because you have more money.

 

I'm only 20 and I've realized the greed long before that.That's all every one really cares about.Not family.Not love.Not anything but money.And it sucks to see that this is what the world has really come to.Everyone is losing them selves over a piece of paper.

 

It'll be rare when you come across someone who doesn't care about it.I haven't met anyone yet like me.Fuck my whole family is money hungry.No matter how much they get it's never enough.They are always complaining.Always wanting but never giving.It's pathetic.

 

If you asked them about it they would all get defensive.Start a huge argument about it until no one is talking.Is it sad to say I like it better that way.I just want them to leave me alone.

 

Before I got back on my feet and found a job all they wanted to do was put me down.I felt so low about myself that I would hurt myself everyday.I was a low life.I was not going anywhere.My anxiety was through the roof.Everyday it was a fight.

 

It still is now.The only difference is I'm making money now.Like alot of money.The kind that I've never made before in my life.But I'm still the same person.I never changed.I never thought I was better than anybody.I never said anybody was lower than me just cause they didn't have a job.I would never make some one feel as low as they did to me and that was my own family.

 

They deny it all.That's their best feature.Deny.Deny.Deny.They know it happened but they sweep it away like it didn't.But I'm not like them.I'm far from them.I have a good heart and all I do is care.I always tell myself that I'm too nice but in the end I can't help it.No matter how hard I try I'm always going to be nice.

 

Therefore I'm always going to be used and mistreated.People are foul yes I know this.It's the reason why I stay to myself and refuse to have any friends.They too are all fake just like the people I live with.There is no such thing as blood.They turn on you just as fast as a stranger would.I've learned that when I was 11.

 

I can't trust anyone.

 

 

Dear Whoever

 I've decided I'm done being a baby back bitch.I've been thinking alot lately about my past.I figured I was the happiest in 2014 when I was a alcoholic pill popin pot head.I didn't care about anything except for my next fix.I didn't care if I had friends or if anyone even loved me at all.

 

That's what I need to go back to.I'm ready to be my old self again.The one where no one liked me.The past where everyone was scared to