Inside - A. D. (novels to read in english txt) 📗

time.It was true happiness until after we had hooked up he was telling everyone that it was a one time thing.My heart sank and I immediatly woke up.That wasn't the first upsetting dream I had of him.I wish he would just leave my thoughts alone.Like he's haunting me or something.It's been like 3 years and I still feel broken.I mean I was broken before but dating him actually made me notice just how bad off I really was.I wasn't no successful girl with loads of ambition.I was a joke who was so very lost and mentally insane.It just progressed since then.How is it that when you actually do seek help it actually makes you feel even worse.Seeing a therapist just made my mind all jumbled up and made me talk about everything but myself.I guess I didn't know how to say that I didn't know what was wrong with me.I was very anti-social but liked it.I had a weird obsession for girls but I liked guys.That every single time I was alone I wanted die.Then after I stopped going I realized that maybe it wasn't that I didn't know what was going on with me but maybe it was I was so used to sweeping shit under the carpet that I didn't want to bring it up again.I was truthfully ashamed of my private activities due to my mother's constant disapproval.Everything I did good or bad she would be there to fuck with me.She fucked with me so bad that I believed that I was a whore for losing my virginity to a guy that I loved.She beat it in my head that every guy I dated was cheating on me or doing something bad like I wasn't good enough for them.She would make fun of people who had depression issues.She made me feel like a druggy everytime I went to go smoke.She would discourage me from any life changing sucessful thing that I was thinking about doing.She kicked me so fucking far down that I can't get back up.I'm being swallowed here with these people and no one can pull me out.I'm lonely and it's really getting to me.I can't love and no one can love me with all these problems.

Dear Whoever

I've been thinking alot lately.I mean that's all I do but more about me.Everyone takes advantage of me.If they aren't taking my money or stealing from me they probably are thinking they can get one over my head.Which they can't.I know.I'm not stupid.I know and you know who I'm talking about if you ever do read this.Which if you do than that means I'm dead.

 

Anyway everything seems so stressful to me.The job.The people.The move.Me.I want it all to end.I'm tired and just want to lay to rest already.I've been going around and around but still have no solution.

 

It's not me not thinking anyone cares about me anymore.It's me who doesn't want them too.I guess I feel pushing them away is less harmful then letting them see me hurt myself and theres nothing they can do to stop it.If I want to die then I want to die.

 

I'm sorry.I can't help it.I'm always thinking that I'm not good enough.I'm a idiot and you've all made that clear.My shoulders are getting pretty heavy and I'm not sure how much longer I'll be around for.

 

I may end up dying or I may get a miracel.Who knows.With the way life is going right now.I'm leaning more towards suicide.It's always on my mind.I feel once your at that part of your depression there's no going back.No one can help you.

 

They can't make you want to stay.Come on.Look around.The world is chaos.It's not a happy place to be.It's a fucking nightmare.And I can't wake up for anything.Why can't I just wake up!Wake up!

 

Yes I want to die.No I won't take my own life.But I can promise you that I want hesitate to put myself in harms way.I will get tattoos just cause I need the pain.I will drink until I'm throwing up fucked out of my mind.I will take those pills that everyone is afraid to.I will do anything and everything to hurt myself until there's nothing left to hurt. 

Dear Whoever

Once again my "Family" has messed up everything for me.Lying.Cheating.Stealing.Backstabbing.Where do you go when you have no one to turn to?No where to run.I've worked so hard to just get stolen from.Everyday.

 

What did I do?Why have I been hurting my entire life?Oh I know.I'm just too good hearted.I care too much and I can't help it.I try to help someone out and it just back fires on me.When will I ever learn?

 

I'm currently single now.I have been treated like shit for too long by you.You never cared about me.If you did it wouldn't be such a big deal to stay home with your girlfriend every once and a while.I saw your true feelings yesterday when I had the flu.You had started a fight with me.Who does that?All I wanted was to be comforted but no that was too much for you.

 

Family is bullshit.They all all about what can you do for me.Once you spoil them they turn their backs on you when there's nothing left to give.Surrounded by insane people.A disgusting demon who can't keep his hands to himself.With other's who just let it go.Does anyone else care?Or am I the only sane one.

 

I've been thinking day and night about it all.The only thing that I have come up with is that I'm tired.I don't enjoy anything anymore.I am dead inside and there's no doudt about that.I've tried for years to fix myself but there is no repair.I'm beyond that now.

 

I'm tired of asking why I got delt a bad deck.From the beginning it's been twisted.I didn't ask to be born.I didn't want to be.So why am I even alive.All this life has done to me is fuck me up so bad that I want to die.

 

Nothing helps.Nothing.No fucking medication.Not therapy.Not even self harming.Nothing takes the pain away and I'm in severe pain.So much bad thoughts that it feels as if my head is going to pop.Sometimes I wish it would.

 

I say this with complete honesty....I want to die.I'm ready now.I have been hurting my self a lot lately and I don't even try to hide it.I want you to know that I hate my life and myself.That way when I finally do end up dead it won't be a surprise.You all knew it was coming.I did.

 

I'm just planning it.How it will happen.Do I want it to be quick or slow.Peaceful or horrible.Should I leave a note or not.I don't think I have anything else to say to any of these people.Other than I'm dead and that I'm not coming back.Ever. 

Dear Whoever

 Works been nothing but rush rush rush.I have no time to do anything when I get home but go to bed and do it all over again.My stress levels are through the roof.And to top it all off I still feel as worthless as ever...

 

The only good thing in my life right now is a Wiz Kahlifa concert coming up in april.I have already bought my ticket and requested the day off.My hopes shrank when I saw how many other people were asking for the day off as well.I just want to have fun for once.Just something to make me smile for an hour out of the day would be enough.

 

I can't remember the last time where I actually enjoyed my time.I'm always at work with stupid people who just want to look for every reason to pick on you.It's getting annoying.

 

At this point I don't even know how I feel.About anything.Really....All I know is that I want to curl up somewhere quiet with no disruptions and fall asleep forever.Never being able to wake.

 

Sometimes I feel like disappearing.I wonder if anyone here would notice.If they would even worry.But then I realize that I'm not worth worrying about.Not unless I had money for them they wouldn't even care.

 

It's not home like here.I've never really had a place where I felt comfortable enough to call home.It's just a place to sleep and hold my stuff.If I'm lucky it won't be rummaged through and stolen.Hense why I keep my money on me at all times.

 

Pretty sad when you have to carry hundreds on you while you work your ass off at your job.I should really get a bank account.That way all I have to keep track of is a card.Easier than keeping loose bills all over your body.

 

I just wish that I could run away.Somewhere nice.Full of peace and good vibes.Any suggestions?I have no credit but I have the cash to get my own place.Sucks cause it feels like I'm doing this all for no reason.

 

Until then I guess I'll try to find a different job and build my credit.Hard when you feel like you have nothing to live for.I'm trying my best to keep my ship a float but it's tipping slowly.I'm getting tired and more depressed by the days.

 

I'm going to focus on me for the next few weeks.I will be going to that concert in april.Even if I don't get it off.I deserve it.So I'm going to get into shape and buy the perfect outfit.For those of you living in Cali and going to the april concert come say hi.