Inside - A. D. (novels to read in english txt) 📗

mind is set and I can not be changed.This is what I want.I'm finally there.My mind is finally ready and I'm going to run with it.If my future is death then I want to be skinny.I've already got the I'm not doing shit for you attitude down.Now it's time to get the I don't care attitude in check.Back in 2014 I didn't care about others feelings let alone mine.I need to go back to not caring.I need to go back too I'm cool as long as I have music.I'm already becoming silent.I don't know how I feel as of right now.The cravings aren't there at all.Seeing pictures of food make me sick to my stomache.This is supposed to be good news but I'm kinda scared.Not even scared cause I'm letting it in.It's here.Controlling my every move.It's almost inviting.Like calling my name in the distance.I know I need help but no one wants too.I've tried and somehow it all got messed up.Just like everything else in my life.I've tried medication but that didn't seem to help either.I'm swallowing my self whole and there's nothing I nore anyone can do to stop it.No one understands anyways.They say they do but they don't.I mean I can see it all over their faces when I talk.It's so frustrating actually.It makes me want to run into open traffic.Not being understood is the worst part about this.All you want is for someone to truly understand where your coming from and to take it all away.But this isn't a perfect world and I'm me so...Nothing takes the pain away.Not time.Not God.Not anything.If I could live without my head I would.It's not my body.It's not my heart.It's my head.Talking none stop.Never getting a break.I look around and wonder if anyone else wants a new mind.I mean I know I'm not the only one but I just wanna know how to deal with it.How do people like me go out and get a job without freaking out?How do you make friends like this?How do you fall in love?How do you live cause clearly I'm doing it wrong cause I'm dying inside.I'm screaming for help but it's not there.I think part of the reason why I grew silent is because there is no help for any of us.It's just how fucked up your head is really.Like The people who say they got better are either lying or telling the complete truth.If they're lying it's cause their mind is too fucked up.If they're not then that means you were never fucked up in the first place.You were just lost and needed a little guidence.But me...Well I'm pretty sure I just have a fucked up mind.It only gets worse or stays the same.In my case it seems to be progressing faster than usual.These thoughts that I've been having are kinda getting worse and I don't know what to do.Do I tell someone or do I sit and let it get worse.I'm stuck between if I do tell there's not much they can do for me anyway and if I don't it'll only get worse.I don't want to die but I feel it's eating me.

Dear Whoever

 Journal Entry   #20           10/12/17        9:01pm

 

        I have no idea why this month is taking so long.I just want it to be over already.I just want everything to be over really.I also have no idea what north korea is waiting on.Just blow us up already.I mean we're all stupid.This life is fucking stupid so just end it all already.Damn dude I have the feeling I'm gunna have to take my own life.I don't give a flying fuck if it's not my life to take.Cause really it is my life right.So I should be able to make the choice of wether to end it or not.With the way everything is going lately I'm leaning more towards the end.I don't know how many times I can say or feel this way.I hate verything.Life is not enjoyable for me anymore.Now that I think about it I don't think it ever was.I can't find anything that keeps my mind from thinking like this.I'm past the stage of saying something.There's nothing anyone can do to make it go away.If I can't you can't.It's getting harder and harder.I'm running out of options here.I feel like the world is swallowing me whole.I'm tired of talking to my reflection.I'm tired of turning to people who just laugh or look at me like I'm insane.I'm tired of anxiety stopping my whole life.I'm tired of waking up.I wish I would get some kind of deathly medical issue.It's better than wanting to beat my head in with a golf club.I want to jump off a huge cliff.I want to get hit by a car.I'm so fucking tired of this shit.I didn't ask for this.What the fuck did I do.Like seriously.Everything is bullshit.I can't seem to get along with anybody.I'm so lonely.I just want to be in a casket and be set on fire.I want to not exist anymore.This isn't what it's supposed to be like.I know that there is something better for me on the other side.If it's just nothing that would be great.Anything is better than here.I don't belong here and everyone knows it.I fall apart everyday and no one even knows.This time everyone thinks I'm fine and I'll keep it that way.These people are just like everyone else.Strangers.I have anxiety with the people I live with.I can't do anything and there is no help.I guess I'm just waiting for the right moment.I mean who was I kidding?I'm not going to have a successful clothing business.I'm not going to be a writer.I'm not going to be a radiologist.I'm not going to be anything.It's all just a myth.Look at me.I can't even go to get a drink without dreading it.I can't do it.It doesn't matter if I tell myself I can cause I know I can't.Waking up sucks.It's just a reminder that I'm still alive.I wish I wasn't.Everything hurts.My mind.My body.Going out in public.It's all getting worse.I'm getting ready to just fuck it all.Just stand up and let it all go.I might not be quite ready but I'm pretty sure I'm getting close.I'm about to go and I hate to say that.I really do but no forest nor no beautiful area can bring me back.I don't want to see anymore of this fucked up world.I thought 2014 was bad...I'd say 2017 is my most fucked up year.I'm seriously thinking about ending the era.

Dear Whoever

 I don't know what's going on with me anymore...I don't know how to feel about anything.I don't know if I'm angry or depressed.Day by day I just go through it.Not doing much but the same things over and over.

 

I feel like I'm sleepwalking down the same dark road.The one I've come to be familiar with.It starts with feeling alone.Then I actually want to be alone.

 

I loose loss of interests.Just want to lay in bed for most of the day.Everything otherwise just seems too much.All of it is just too much for me.

 

I'm tired but this time I actually mean it.I'm tired of trying to lose weight.I'm tired of trying to deal with my anxiety with working.I'm tired of having to have money to be of value.I'm tired of dealing with depression.

 

Everyday it gets a little worse.I don't know how to deal with this anymore.It's everywhere I go.In everything I do.I don't know how to stop it.

 

If anyone could stop it please do.It's so bad that I don't even know how to explain it.It's out of words.It's so much more that I can't even try to make you understand.

 

It's a war.More with food than anything.I can't even think about food without feeling guilty.But it's worse now.I'm afraid that I'm binging now.Something that I would never do in a million years.

 

I'm so huge right now.I just don't want to get back to what I used to be.I don't even feel comfortable wearing normal clothes.I wear big t-shirts all over the place.I won't even leave my house cause I'm so ashamed.

 

I need help.Not like actual help though.I mean like guidence help.Tell me how you stay away from food?Please share with me your own starving ways.How to lose wieght in days.Come on guys?Help me out?

 

No throwing up ways though.I tried it and believe me it never worked for me.Just give me some pointers.You know?Help me how to starve again.Help me be strong willed again to do it.Come on.

 

I just want to be skinny.Nothing makes me more happier than being thin.I want to cry and beat myself up for how far I have fallen.I'm huge.Just make it go away.

 

Make it all go away.Before I do something horrible...Please.

Dear Whoever

I'm not exactly happy with myself at the moment.Last night I got seconds for dinner...I wasn't even hungry anymore.I just can't stop.I can't say no.Sometimes I wonder why I gave up food in the first place.

 

I was so strong back then.I don't know what it was that made me so dedicated to not eating.I just was.Everyday I would push a little harder.Everyday I would wake up thinner.

 

It was like a addiction for me.Arguments all the time with my mom.They all just didn't know what it felt like to not want those carbs dragging you down.I thought food was disgusting and it should never touch my mouth unless I said so.

 

I was 104 and this is no lie.Before this I was 147.I was huge for my age and everyone at school knew it.I had to stop it.I was tired of being fat.I was tired of being single.I was tired of being made fun of.

 

Now I feel exactly the same way that I did back then.Disgusting.If my old best friend Caitlin was here she would have a fit.She's all the