Where you belong - Samantha Thomas (i have read the book a hundred times .txt) 📗

had picked for my baby, was it stupid? I didn’t think so not at all,

“I love it! Its so sweet and different. I’ve never heard of a baby named Sunny at this hospital since I’ve worked here in all my 30 years. That’s definitely an original name, Sunny Hart… good job!” she said again with the warmest smile on her face, and her words made me feel so good, so incredibly good, I wished I had my mother here right now, she died when I was two from a aneurism. I was really glad to have this nurse, thanking god for this one nice person, I sent a thank you up to god whenever someone was nice to me. She went over feedings how much to give Sunny, and how often, how to hold her to burp her, and lastly how to change her diapers and care for her umbilical cord. It was crazy all the things I had to do, and how carefully I had to do them. I had to do it right, or else. It made me so nervous but I put it all aside for my baby. She awoke and she just looked at me, she didn’t even cry. “Hello, baby girl. I’m your mommy.” I cooed to her. The nurse had left and I was snuggling my baby when my father walked into the room.

My heart leaped inside my chest pounding like crazy. He was wearing his usual no good cocky smile, and that made everything worse. Everything he had said came rushing back to me, the fight, what he said about my baby, my baby being born too soon because of him. In one wild terrifying flood. He was wearing the same thing I last saw him in, his 1981 raggedy tweed tan blazer, and kakis with a new mess of colorful stains. He held in his hands some flowers, that looked like he plucked them from someone’s yard-they still had dirt on them, and he strode over to me like he hadn’t a care in the world. I felt the scowl creep up into my face, feeling its permanence as long as he stayed. I felt scared trapped and now my baby was between us. What would I do if he hit me, or my baby? Suddenly I felt terrified for my child, and an emotion that I never before felt ripped itself from my gut, and shot up to my chest and higher with incredible force.

I looked down at my baby, my chest rising and falling rapidly, my breathing following suit, and saw her beautiful tiny face, her sweet little all seeing eyes, and I knew that if he tried anything, anything at all I would do anything, to protect my baby. I felt this animalistic growl start inside me, and I quickly turned my eyes to my father, with one thought in my mind, and I’m absolutely positive it was etched into my face. ’try to hurt me or my baby and I will fucking kill you.’ that simple.

Oh he saw that look all right, and something in his eyes besides the tell atale sign he saw what I was internally saying shown through on that disgusting scowl of his, and then suddenly it was gone, replaced with one of semi shock, and then very quickly he recovered. “I brought you these,” he said awkwardly handing me the flowers that I obviously could grab. And then he chuckled and laid them down on the bedside table. He shuffled his feet really quick, and he kept clearing his throat, seeming to me like he was uncomfortable about something. “What? What’s you problem?” I asked quietly so as to not disturb the baby. I quickly looked down and she was still looking around very quietly. Wow, she is beautiful. I turned my head back up to my father, he kept stealing weary glances back to me over and over again, at first I thought it was because he thought I wasn’t looking but, then I wasn’t s sure.

He was really making me start to feel on edge with his edginess. All sorts of emotions, or ’looks’ plagued his face at lightening speed, rage, happiness, scared, weariness, unease, and then the second to last, sneaky before it was quickly replaced with, an odd look I had only seen half a hand full of times. He stood before me now completely still and with a forehead slicked with a layer of gleaming beads of sweat. I looked down at his fidgeting hands he was wringing them in and out on each other and my head shot up to his face with a look of complete and utter confusion. Just before I could ask again, he said “Britney, I’m-I’m you know,” and then his eyes fell to the ground. What the hell? Was that regret? Was this admittance?” “Uh, no I don’t know-” I began to reply but he cut me off with his response being nearly inaudible I was stunned silent.
“I’m sorry.” he said his eyes still down, and then quickly almost as if his personality was on shuffle his whole demeanor changed.

His face came up and all those emotions were simply gone, and upon further examination of his face, I noticed how huge his pupils where, great he was high. But even still I was completely stunned, I cant believe he said sorry and to me! I felt all these emotions I felt like I shouldn’t be a bitch and say ’whatever’ but I felt like I could discredit it either, he never says sorry, high or not. And that…was something. “Dad I- thank you,” was all I managed to say. I couldn’t go all emotional ’oh dad you’re the greatest I’m so sorry I love you so much! I forgive you!’ blah blah blah, not ever going to happen. Because the truth was he was an utter and complete piece of shit, who didn’t deserve to walk the planet let alone be allowed to reproduce. But here I was as was he, and now Sunny. So that was all I could get out. I hoped that was enough, and I wasn’t sure where things were going to go from here. So I waited.

He looked up at me all those previous emotions gone ,and now he looked over at my baby in my arms. He smiled, and it wasn’t snaky, or sadistic, or anything really but genuine and sweet. Another first. Wow, all this was far to bazaar for me to handle right with all that has happened in this incredibly short period of time, but I’m not sure if it’s the post partum emotions or what but I had to struggle not to cry. I was feeling completely overwhelmed right now, and wasn’t sure what I could do about if I could do anything at all.

He leaned over and during so I caught something in my peripheral, something hanging out of his pockets in the back of his pants something long and white. He leaned back and shot over to my other bedside table to my pitcher of water and ice there and poured himself a drink. I looked to him as he gulped greedily, and he saw me gaping and took that as I wanted water too, “You want some?” he asked but he had already finished it all. I shook my head no and he came back to look at Sunny that smile again on his face. So rare, it was “Can I hold her Britney?” my eyes shot down to an automatic hell fucking now, but he before I could complete the look and with an audible fuck off, he quickly shot off, “I promise I’ll clean my hands with that booger goo on the walls them doctors are always squirting. I’ll sit down too right here and wont move damn it. Plus I have these ah uh, papers they-them nurses told me to have you sign for the baby it will be real quick I promise.” he seemed odd, nervous suddenly, and I couldn’t help but feel the growing pit of darkness inside me, but he was acting so uncharacteristic of himself, so completely out of place I wasn’t sure what to think. Was it because he turned over a new leaf? And finally decided to love me his one and only daughter, because I too now had my own? Or was it just Sunny? I’ve heard people going all soft for babies and all, and he had just done some pretty shocking things to say the least. He had said he was sorry, and all his faults aside, everything aside, him treating me badly, so badly hitting me, swearing and calling me names, not feeding me, all of it aside, he was still my father. He was all I had left, and if this was it, him saying sorry right now for what he had done, whether it was because of himself, me or Sunny it was enough I decided. I’d let him in, he’s all I got, and somewhere deep inside I knew I loved him, I had been waiting for this my entire life. And I couldn’t stop the tears, as they rose harshly into my eyes burning, lip quivering, and he kept staring at me that hopeful pleading look in his eyes as he awaited my answer anxiously.

All that aside something was just pulling, tugging at me from the inside out, telling me warning me something was wrong that I couldn’t ignore this. I had never ever felt like this before it was so unreal, so powerful a feeling, and then with that thought, came that none of this had been the ‘norm.’ Maybe somewhere deep inside me I somewhere unconscious I know that this isn’t right, maybe its my defense mechanisms, warning me not to trust, because I never have trusted before. I decided then that that was probably it. I took a deep breath to help steady myself and I shoved aside that growing darkness inside of me. And with a tight hard emotion filled nod, I allowed my father to hold my baby. And he did, he sat down right next to me, and with delicate shaking hands he took her and brought Sunny to his chest, but not before pealing the papers, the ones I had seen from his back pockets and placed them beside me on my bed.

There was a pen already fastened to the top of the papers and boy oh boy they had tons of type on them, I felt dizzy with all the responsibility of all I had to do now that I was a parent, and quickly became scared for the first time of it all as it sank in on these papers. I had no idea what they said or meant, or worse what they were for. I didn’t want to my whole body and mind made that clear and I shrugged it off as the pit of growing darkness inside me grew even more, something felt terribly wrong and again I shoved it down and asked my father what these were for, “I think her birth certificate I had to do all that crap before too, I just signed on the line like everyone else. Its right here,” he said inclining to the bottom of the pages, as well as the remaining pages. I looked wearily at him, feeling like I should read them but he looked so sure, so unaffected by it, I gave another most hard unsure look at him before I turned my attention back to the stack of papers, and signed each and every page that required my signature.

He was sitting beside me yes but he was in front of me also, and I had been turned slightly to