Where you belong - Samantha Thomas (i have read the book a hundred times .txt) 📗

hungry, I couldn’t take it anymore I reached for the squished cheetos. Today was my eighth birthday.

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“Hey do you have any money? I need to get something important,” my dad said as he slumped up against my doorway, begging me for money. Again. I exhaled harshly, he was high obviously on some slow shit, other wise he would’ve come in and taken it from me, after he beat me. I decided he was no threat, and I did have some money from holiday cards from my distant grandmother. He slipped and fell back into the wall, too slow to catch himself, but he eventually did and came back repeating his question. I looked sideways at him, he was scratching his arms harshly, I could hear clearly the force he was scratching at, and I reached for my hidden cash stash.

I tried to conceal it to the best of my ability, I didn’t have much left $39.00 I used this for food whenever I was hungry, and took out $10.00 for him, that would be plenty for a hit or two. I sneakily looked back over to him to see if he saw where I had my stash and he was fidgeting so much that I don’t think he saw where I had hidden it. I stuffed the rest back into my 13 year old birthday card and its envelope, and walked over to him with it. He grunted and said he’s be back later, and sprinted down the stairs and slammed the door. My stomach had been feeling crappy all day that’s why I was in my room laying down. I had been having such weird pains in my lower stomach, that I figured maybe they were from being backed up so I went to the bathroom.

I got in, and sat down and nearly fell off the toilet, my underwear was soaked in red, and I was terrified. Was I dying? Was this why I was in so much pain today? I was panicking my mouth in a wide shocked perfect O, when suddenly I realized what this was. It was my period. I had been learning all about this in school, but had been waiting for it for so long that when it never happened I had given up and forgotten about it.

When I was done, with shaking hands, I reached for the toilet paper, there wasn’t much left and I knew for certain this was all we had. Shit! I cleaned up as much as I could, with as little as possible, and wadded up a good portion more into my pants. I needed to go to the store and buy some products, I was suddenly so glad I had only given my dad $10.00 but was upset at the same time. I had no idea how much this stuff would cost me, I felt so scared and alone right now, and my chest hurt for my mom, wishing she was here. But she wasn’t so I sucked it up, and was just happy that my dad wasn’t.

I heard, and loud crash, and something sounding like heavy glass shatter to the ground, my breath caught as I realized what it was. I ran towards my bedroom, and found my father stuffing the rest of my card cash into his pants as he knocked my lamp and everything else off my little end table off. “DADDY NO!” I screamed I really, really needed that money and he was taking it to get high! He was stealing the most important thing I had! His eyes widened at being caught but his mouth twisted into a sneaky grin as he plowed into me charging me and knocking me down and running down the stairs out of the house. With my money the only money I had. The money I needed more than anything else.

I was already crying. I was pissed, furious and terrified. I had just gotten my period for the first time, I had little to no toilet paper left in the house and no food and he just took the only life source I just had. I couldn’t do a thing about it. I sat there and punched the floor in front of me screaming my head off with every swear I knew. I got up and stormed downstairs anything I saw I picked up a hummed at the wall screaming non stop. I smashed anything and everything I could find, and was shaking so bad at the end I flung my back to the wall and slid down to the floor in an furious disastrous mess. I balled my fists up and screamed again, when I opened my eyes, I saw that I had smashed the only picture I had left of my mom that my dad hadn’t ruined. I screamed again, and brought my fists to my face punching, as I pulled my hair and cried myself crazy. Like I did most nights when my dad wasn’t beating me stupid.

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I was sitting on the floor smacking the TV trying to get a signal by moving the antenna back and forth, when I heard the front door open. I had just been watching Oprah, when the signal went out, we didn’t have cable of course. I knew who it was so I didn’t bother looking, plus it was best to not bother unless I wanted a smack for doing so. My dad called it being ‘cocky’ I called it ’keeping your guard up’ but technicalities you know? I almost had Oprah back, when I heard a giggle. A female giggle. My head shot to where my father was, he had his arm around some strange woman, and she was all over him like white on rice.

She wore a tube top similar to the one that I had upstairs in my room and jeans that were jacked all the way up her crotch. Whore. She had on bright red lipsticks and held in her free hand a lit cigarette. She was all over my dad like he was the air she needed to breathe, and he was licking her on the side of her ear that’s why she giggled. Fucking gross. Then they caught site of me.

“Oh hey honey!” my dad called out putting on his best drunken father of the year award charade. He always did this whenever he brought someone home, didn’t matter if it was a guy friend/junky or a random whore. But it didn’t bother me any, in fact it was quite the opposite I waited for the times like these, everyday on edge just hoping and praying he brought someone home with him. Because when he did he always treated me nice, even if he was fake about it I didn’t care, not at all. And he always brought me home food, or random things like clothes and stuff, from the girlfriends, or a trade for drugs he bought, sold and did himself. The best was when he kept a girlfriend it was nice to have a girl around no matter how they were or what poison they did, they helped out sometimes or took me out and shopped. It was the only girl experience I ever had.

“This is Sheryl, the finest woman I ever did see,” he said in a disgusting cooing way to her, causing her to swoon and he nibbled her ear. She squealed like a dirty little pig. I shuddered ickily inside, cringing from Americas most disgusting home videos, playing out before me. “This is my daughter, uh…Bitc-Britney,” he said stumbling over his fuck up about to call me ‘bitchy’ like he always did instead of Britney. He caught himself and she didn’t notice a thing. God they were smashed! “Hey I got these for you,” she said extending her hand to me for me to take and shake like we were long time good pals. Nope not going to happen Chica.
I put on my biggest fakest smile and said “Hey. Thanks so much!” and I reached out and took her bags, with my enthusiasm she didn’t notice that I never took her hand. Good.

They had a bunch of crap with them, bags of all sorts, and a crazy but usual mixture of random collections from addicts I suppose. Clothes-female-a few pieces, a few male clothes too, but whatever I could make them work, not like I had a choice. Some food cans, dry mixes, ramen noodles, and wait-SCORE! Burger king buggers! Yes!! I took those immediately, opened them up and devoured them. Oh man they were so good I hadn’t eaten since thus morning at school. I didn’t eat lunch some girl picked a fight with me because she said I gave her a dirty look, I didn’t but she hit me anyways and so I hid in the bathroom for lunch.

My dad and Shelly… Er-Sheryl came into the kitchen just as I was downing the rest of the second one, I gulped nearly choking on it in fear my dad would get pissed. I bet he would wait until she was in the bathroom to whack me. “Oh, I wasn’t sure if you liked rodeo burgers. I‘m glad you do,” she said with happy awe, and I sighed in relief. Man these were great! My dad walked next to me laughing at my face full of barb-q sauce like he really meant it and set sown a case of Budweiser on the counter. He opened up a bottle, and handed it to me. To me. my breath caught, and my eyes widened to full capacity, I was shocked, and scared at the same time. Was this a trick or what? “Go on take it, loosen up kid damn,” he said coercing it towards me again, I gulped down fear and took it. He smirked and walked over to his warmth for the night, and they began groping each other in a way that should never be seen by anyone let anole me his 14 year old daughter.

She coughed once she saw me, it was an awkward type cough, and she separated from him asking where the bathroom was, I told her it was down the hall and she left. I was alone in the kitchen with my father, I braced myself for the real ‘dad.’ I tensed my whole body going rigid, non moving and I held my breath, my head down along with my eyes, hand tight on the cold beer in my 14 year old hand. He sighed heavily and turned to face me, I couldn’t see his face it was killing me, hurry lady come on! Here it comes, he moved toward me huffing out, I couldn’t help it, against everything I peaked up to see his face. And what was plastered on it scared me even more… he was smiling. He reached up with his hand and I flinched, my eyes shut as tight as I could get them and I waited. Wait-Waited?… he hadn’t hit me? I looked again and he held a look of utter disbelief on his drunkenly scrunched up face, and he scoffed looking at me like he couldn’t believe the way I was acting. Me? Are you kidding me? The way I’m acting!

“You act like your afraid of me. What? A dad cant love his kid? Come here and hug your old man.” he said as he scooped my shoulders into him in a sloppy awkward bear hug. I flinched again and my breath whooshed out as he squeezed me. He chuckled and said, “I love you girl, look just like your mama you know. Drink up, you deserve it.” he said as he released me from his creepy side-bear hug, and pushed my beer filled hand up towards my mouth