The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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Featur', That You'll Know It By From All Others. Oh It's
An Everlastin' Pity You Warn't Here, When I Was To England
Last Time. Queen Was There Then; And Where She Is, Of
Coarse All The World And Its Wife Is Too. She Warn't
There This Year, And It Sarves Folks Right. If I Was An
Angelyferous Queen, Like Her, I Wouldn't Go Nowhere Till
I Had A Tory Minister, And Then A Feller That Had A
"Trigger-Eye" Would Stand A Chance To Get A White
Hemp-Neckcloth. I Don't Wonder Hume Don't Like Young
England; For When That Boy Grows Up, He'll Teach Some
Folks That They Had Better Let Some Folks Alone, Or Some
Folks Had Better Take Care Of Some Folks' Ampersands
That's All.
"The Time I Speak Of, People Went In Their Carriages,
And Not By Railroad. Now, Pr'aps You Don't Know, In Fact
You Can't Know, For You Can't Cypher, Colonists Ain't No
Good At Figurs, But If You Did Know, The Way To Judge Of
A Nation Is By Its Private Carriages. From Hyde Park
Corner To Ascot Heath, Is Twenty Odd Miles. Well, There
Was One Whole Endurin' Stream Of Carriages All The Way,
Sometimes Havin' One Or Two Eddies, And Where The Toll-Gates
Stood, Havin' Still Water For Ever So Far. Well, It Flowed
And Flowed On For Hours And Hours Without Stoppin', Like
A River; And When You Got Up To The Race-Ground, There
Was The Matter Of Two Or Three Tiers Of Carriages, With
The Hosses Off, Packed As Close As Pins In A Paper.
"It Costs Near Hand To Twelve Hundred Dollars A-Year To
Keep Up A Carriage Here. Now For Goodness' Sake Jist
Multiply That Everlastin' String Of Carriages By Three
Hundred Pounds Each, And See What's Spent In That Way
Every Year, And Then Multiply That By Ten Hundred Thousand
More That's In Other Places To England You Don't See,
And Then Tell Me If Rich People Here Ain't As Thick As
Huckleberries."
"Well, When You've Done, Go To France, To Belgium, And
To Prussia, Three Sizeable Places For Europe, And Rake
And Scrape Every Private Carriage They've Got, And They
Ain't No Touch To What Ascot Can Show. Well, When You've
Done Your Cypherin', Come Right Back To London, As Hard
As You Can Clip From The Race-Course, And You Won't Miss
Any Of 'Em; The Town Is As Full As Ever, To Your Eyes.
A Knowin' Old Coon, Bred And Born To London, Might, But
You Couldn't.
"Arter That's Over, Go And Pitch The Whole Bilin' Of 'Em
Into The Thames, Hosses, Carriages, People, And All; And
Next Day, If It Warn't For The Black Weepers And Long
Faces Of Them That's Lost Money By It, And The Black
Volume 2 Chapter 3 (Ascot Races) Pg 104Crape And Happy Faces Of Them That's Got Money, Or Titles,
Or What Not By It, You Wouldn't Know Nothin' About It.
Carriages Wouldn't Rise Ten Cents In The Pound In The
Market. A Stranger, Like You, If You Warn't Told, Wouldn't
Know Nothin' Was The Matter Above Common. There Ain't
Nothin' To England Shows Its Wealth Like This.
"Says Father To Me When I Came Back, 'Sam,' Sais He,
'What Struck You Most?'
"'Ascot Races,' Sais I.
"'Jist Like You,' Sais He. 'Hosses And Galls Is All You
Think Of. Wherever They Be, There You Are, That's A Fact.
You're A Chip Of The Old Block, My Boy. There Ain't
Nothin' Lake 'Em; Is There?'
"Well, He Was Half Right, Was Father. It's Worth Seein'
For Hosses And Galls Too; But It's Worth Seein' For Its
Carriage Wealth Alone. Heavens And Airth, What A Rich
Country It Must Be That Has Such A Show In That Line As
England. Don't Talk Of Stock, For It May Fail; Or
Silver-Smiths' Shops, For You Can't Tell What's Plated;
Or Jewels, For They May Be Paste; Or Goods, For They May
Be Worth Only Half Nothin'; But Talk Of The Carriages,
Them's The Witnesses That Don't Lie.
"And What Do They Say? 'Calcutta Keeps Me, And China
Keeps Me, And Bot'ney Bay Keeps Me, And Canada Keeps Me,
And Nova Scotia Keeps Me, And The Whales Keep Me, And
The White Bears Keep Me, And Every Thing On The Airth
Keeps Me, Every Thing Under The Airth Keeps Me. In Short,
All The World Keeps Me.'"
"No, Not All The World, Sam," Said Mr. Hopewell; "There
Are Some Repudiative States That _Don't Keep Me_; And If
You Go To The Auction Rooms, You'll See Some Beautiful
Carriages For Sale, That Say, 'The United States' Bank
Used To Keep Me,' And Some More That Say, 'Nick Biddle
Put Me Down.'"
"Minister, I Won't Stand That," Said Mr. Slick. "I Won't
Stay Here And Hear You Belittle Uncle Sam That Way For
Nothin'. He Ain't Wuss Than John Bull, Arter All. Ain't
There No Swindle-Banks Here? Jist Tell Me That. Don't
Our Liners Fetch Over, Every Trip, Fellers That Cut And
Run From England, With Their Fobs Filled With Other Men's
Money? Ain't There Lords In This Country That Know How
To "Repudiate" As Well As Ring-Tail-Roarers In Ourn. So
Come Now, Don't Throw Stones Till You Put Your
Window-Shutters To, Or You May Stand A Smart Chance Of
Gettin' Your Own Glass Broke, That's A Fact.'
"And Then, Squire, Jist Look At The Carriages. I'll Bet
Volume 2 Chapter 3 (Ascot Races) Pg 105You A Goose And Trimmin's You Can't Find Their Ditto
Nowhere. They _Are_ Carriages, And No Mistake, That's
A Fact. Look At The Hosses, The Harness, The Paint, The
Linin's, The Well-Dressed, Lazy, Idle, Infarnal Hansum
Servants, (These Rascals, I Suspicion, Are Picked Out
For Their Looks), Look At The Whole Thing All Through
The Piece, Take It, By And Large, Stock, Lock, And Barrel,
And It's The Dandy, That's A Fact. Don't It Cost Money,
That's All? Sumtotalize It Then, And See What It All
Comes To. It Would Make Your Hair Stand On Eend, I Know.
If It Was All Put Into Figure, It Would Reach Clean Across
The River; And If It Was All Put Into Dollars, It Would
Make A Solid Tire Of Silver, And Hoop The World Round
And Round, Like A Wheel.
"If You Want To Give A Man An Idea Of England, Squire,
Tell Him Of Ascot; And If You Want To Cram Him, Get Old
Multiplication-Table Joe H-- To Cast It Up; For He'll
Make It Come To Twice As Much As It Railly Is, And That
Will Choke Him. Yes, Squire, _Stick To Ascot_.
Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 106
A Cunning Man Is Generally A Suspicious One, And Is As
Often Led Into Error Himself By His Own Misconceptions,
As Protected From Imposition By His Habitual Caution.
Mr. Slick, Who Always Acted On A Motive, And Never On An
Impulse, And Who Concealed His Real Objects Behind
Ostensible Ones, Imagined That Everybody Else Was Governed
By The Same Principle Of Action; And, Therefore, Frequently
Deceived Himself By Attributing Designs To Others That
Never Existed But In His Own Imagination.
Whether The Following Story Of The Gander Pulling Was A
Fancy Sketch Of The Attache, Or A Narrative Of Facts,
_I_ Had No Means Of Ascertaining. Strange Interviews And
Queer Conversations He Constantly Had With Official As
Well As Private Individuals, But As He Often Gave His
Opinions The Form Of An Anecdote, For The Purpose Of
Interesting His Hearers, It Was Not Always Easy To Decide
Whether His Stories Were Facts Or Fictions.
If, On The Present Occasion, It Was Of The Latter
Description, It Is Manifest That He Entertained No Very
High Opinion Of The Constitutional Changes Effected In
Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 107The Government Of The Colonies By The Whigs, During Their
Long And Perilous Rule. If Of The Former Kind, It Is To
Be Lamented That He Concealed His Deliberate Convictions
Under An Allegorical Piece Of Humour. His Disposition To
"Humbug" Was So Great, It Was Difficult To Obtain A Plain
Straightforward Reply From Him; But Had The Secretary Of
State Put The Question To Him In Direct Terms, What He
Thought Of Lord Durham's "Responsible Government," And
The Practical Working Of It Under Lord Sydenham's And
Sir Charles Bagot's Administration, He Would Have Obtained
A Plain And Intelligible Answer. If The Interview To
Which He Alludes Ever Did Take Place, (Which I Am Bound
To Add, Is Very Doubtful, Notwithstanding The Minuteness
With Which It Is Detailed), It Is Deeply To Be Regretted
That He Was Not Addressed In That Frank Manner Which
Could Alone Elicit His Real Sentiments; For I Know Of No
Man So Competent To Offer An Opinion On These Subjects
As Himself.
To Govern England Successfully, It Is Necessary To Know
The Temper Of Englishmen. Obvious As This Appears To Be,
The Frequent Relinquishment Of Government Measures, By
The Dominant Party, Shows That Their Own Statesmen Are
Sometimes Deficient In This Knowledge.
Mr. Slick Says, That If Sir James Graham Had Consulted
Him, _He_ Could Have Shown Him How To Carry The Educational
Clauses Of His Favourite Bill This, Perhaps, Is Rather
An Instance Of Mr. Slick's Vanity, Than A Proof Of His
Sagacity. But If This Species Of Information Is Not Easy
Of Attainment Here, Even By Natives, How Difficult Must
It Be To Govern A People Three Thousand Miles Off, Who
Differ Most Materially In Thought, Word, And Deed, From
Their Official Rulers.
Mr. Slick, When We Had Not Met During The Day, Generally
Visited Me At Night, About The Time I Usually Returned
From A Dinner-Party, And Amused Me By A Recital Of His
Adventures.
"Squire," Said He, "I Have Had A Most Curious Capur
To-Day, And One That Will Interest You, I Guess. Jist As
I Was A Settin' Down To Breakfast This Mornin', And Was
A Turnin' Of An Egg Inside Out Into A Wine-Glass, To
Salt, Pepper And Batter
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