The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

 

"'You Have Been A Good Deal In The Colonies,  Haven't

You?' Said He.

 

"'Considerable Sum,' Sais I. Now,  Sais I To Myself,  This

Is The Rael Object He Sent For Me For; But I Won't Tell

Him Nothin'. If He'd A Up And Askt Me Right Off The Reel,

Like A Man,  He'd A Found Me Up To The Notch; But He Thort

To Play Me Off. Now I'll Sarve Him Out His Own Way; So

Here Goes.

 

"'Your Long Acquaintance With The Provinces,  And Familiar

Intercourse With The People,' Sais He,  'Must Have Made

You Quite At Home On All Colonial Topics.'

 

"'I Thought So Once,' Sais I; 'But I Don't Think So Now

No More,  Sir.'

 

"'Why How Is That?' Sais He.

 

"'Why,  Sir,' Sais I,  'You Can Hold A Book So Near Your

Eyes As Not To Be Able To Read A Word Of It; Hold It Off

Further,  And Get The Right Focus,  And You Can Read

Beautiful. Now The Right Distance To See A Colony,  And

Know All About It,  Is England. Three Thousand Miles Is

The Right Focus For A Political Spy-Glass. A Man Livin'

Here,  And Who Never Was Out Of England,  Knows Twice As

Much About The Provinces As I Do.'

 

"'Oh,  You Are Joking,' Sais He.

 

"Not A Bit,' Sais I. 'I Find Folks Here That Not Only

Know Every Thing About Them Countries,  But Have No Doubts

Upon Any Matter,  And Ask No Questions; In Fact,  They Not

Only Know More Than Me,  But More Than The People Themselves

Do,  What They Want. It's Curious,  But It's A Fact. A

Colonist Is The Most Beautiful Crittur In Natur To Try

Experiments On,  You Ever See; For He Is So Simple And

Good-Natured He Don't Know No Better; And So Weak,  He

Couldn't Help Himself If He Did. There's Great Fun In

Making These Experiments,  Too. It Puts Me In Mind Of

"Gander Pulling;" You Know What This Is,  Don't You?'

 

"'No,' He Said. 'I Never Heard Of It. Is It An American

Sport?'

 

"'Yes,' Sais I,  'It Is; And The Most Excitin' Thing,  Too,

You Ever See.'

 

"'You Are A Very Droll Man. Mr Slick,' Said He,  'A Very

Droll Man Indeed. In All Your Books There Is A Great Deal

Of Fun; But In All Your Fun,  There Is A Meanin'. Your

Jokes Hit,  And Hit Pretty Hard,  Too,  Sometimes. They Make

A Man Think As Well As Laugh. But. Describe This Gander

Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 111

Pulling.'

 

"'Well,  I'll Tell You How It Is,' Sais I. 'First And

Foremost,  A Ring-Road Is Formed,  Like A Small Race-Course;

Then,  Two Great Long Posts Is Fixed Into The Ground,  One

On Each Side Of The Road,  And A Rope Made Fast By The

Eends To Each Post,  Leavin' The Middle Of The Rope To

Hang Loose In A Curve. Well,  Then They Take A Gander And

Pick His Neck As Clean As A Babby's,  And Then Grease It

Most Beautiful All The Way From The Breast To The Head,

Till It Becomes As Slippery As A Soaped Eel. Then They

Tie Both His Legs Together With A Strong Piece Of Cord,

Of The Size Of A Halyard,  And Hang Him By The Feet To

The Middle Of The Swingin' Rope,  With His Head Downward.

All The Youngsters,  All Round The County,  Come To See

The Sport,  Mounted A Horseback.

 

"'Well,  The Owner Of The Goose Goes Round With His Hat,

And Gets So Much A-Piece In It From Every One That Enters

For The "Pullin';" And When All Have Entered,  They Bring

Their Hosses In A Line,  One Arter Another; And At The

Words,  'Go Ahead!' Off They Set,  As Hard As They Can

Split; And As They Pass Under The Goose,  Make A Grab At

Him; And Whoever Carries Off The Head,  Wins.

 

"'Well,  The Goose Dodges His Head And Flaps His Wings,

And Swings About So,  It Ain't No Easy Matter To Clutch

His Neck; And When You Do,  It's So Greasy,  It Slips Right

Through The Fingers,  Like,  Nothin'. Sometimes It Takes

So Long,  That The Hosses Are Fairly Beat Out,  And Can't

Scarcely Raise A Gallop; And Then A Man Stands By The

Post,  With A Heavy Loaded Whip,  To Lash 'Em On,  So That

They Mayn't Stand Under The Goose,  Which Ain't Fair. The

Whoopin',  And Hollerin',  And Screamin',  And Bettin',  And

Excitement,  Beats All; There Ain't Hardly No Sport Equal

To It. It's Great Fun _To All Except The Poor

Goosey-Gander_.

 

"'The Game Of Colony Government To Canady,  For Some Years

Back,  Puts Me In Mind Of That Exactly. Colonist Has Had

His Heels Put Where His Head Used To Be,  This Some Time

Past. He Has Had His Legs Tied,  And His Neck Properly

Greased,  I Tell _You_; And The Way Every Parliament Man,

And Governor,  And Secretary,  Gallops Round And Round,

One Arter Another,  A Grabbin' At Poor Colonist,  Ain't No

Matter. Every New One On 'Em That Comes,  Is Confident He

Is A Goin' To Settle It; But It Slips Through His Hand,

And Off He Goes,  Properly Larfed At.

 

"'They Have Pretty Nearly Fixed Goosey Colonist,  Though;

He Has Got His Neck Wrung Several Times; It's Twisted

All A One Side,  His Tongue Hangs Out,  And He Squeaks

Piteous,  That's A Fact. Another Good Grab Or Two Will

Put Him Out O' Pain; And It's A Pity It Wouldn't,  For No

Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 112

Created Critter Can Live Long,  Turned Wrong Eend Up,  That

Way. But The Sport Will Last Long Arter That; For Arter

His Neck Is Broke,  It Ain't No Easy Matter To Get The

Head Off; The Cords That Tie That On,  Are As Thick As

Your Finger. It's The Greatest Fun Out There You Ever

See,  _To All Except Poor Goosey Colonist_.

 

"'I've Larfed Ready To Kill Myself At It. Some O' These

Englishers That Come Out,  Mounted For The Sport,  And

Expect A Peerage As A Reward For Bringin' Home The Head

And Settlin' The Business For Colonist,  Do Cut Such

Figurs,  It Would Make You Split; And They Are All So

Everlastin' Consaited,  They Won't Take No Advice. The

Way They Can't Do It Is Cautionary. One Gets Throwed,

Another Gets All Covered With Grease,  A Third Loses His

Hat,  A Fourth Gets Run Away With By His Horse,  A Fifth

Sees He Can't Do It,  Makes Some Excuse,  And Leaves The

Ground Afore The Sport Is Over; And Now And Then,  An

Unfortunate Critter Gets A Hyste That Breaks His Own

Neck. There Is Only One On 'Em That I Have See'd Out

There,  That Can Do It Right.

 

"It Requires Some Experience,  That's A Fact. But Let John

Bull Alone For That; He Is A Critter That Thinks He Knows

Every Thing; And If You Told Him He Didn't,  He Wouldn't

Believe You,  Not He. He'd Only Pity Your Ignorance,  And

Look Dreadful Sorry For You. Oh If You Want To See High

Life,  Come And See "A Colonial Gander Pulling."

 

"'Tying Up A Goose,  Sir,  Is No Great Harm,' Sais I,

'Seein' That A Goose Was Made To Be Killed,  Picked And

Devoured,  And Nothin' Else. Tyin' Up A Colonist By The

Heels Is Another Thing. I Don't Think It Right; But I

Don't Know Nothin'; I've Had The Book Too Close To My

Eyes. Joe H--E,  That Never Was There,  Can Tell You Twice

As Much As I Can About The Colonies. The Focus To See

Right,  As I Said Afore,  Is Three Thousand Miles Off.'

 

"'Well,' Sais He,  'That's A Capital Illustration,  Mr.

Slick. There Is More In That Than Meets The Ear. Don't

Tell Me You Don't Know Nothin' About The Colonies; Few

Men Know So Much As You Do. I Wish To Heavens You Was A

Colonist,' Sais He; 'If You Were,  I Would Offer You A

Government.'

 

"'I Don't Doubt It,' Sais I; 'Seein' That Your Department

Have Advanced Or Rewarded So Many Colonists Already.'

But I Don't Think He Heard That Shot,  And I Warn't Sorry

For It; For It's Not Right To Be A Pokin' It Into A

Perlite Man,  Is It?

 

"'I Must Tell The Queen That Story Of _The Gander Pulling_,'

Sais He; 'I Like It Amazingly. It's A Capital Caricature.

I'll Send The Idea To H. B. Pray Name Some Day When You

Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 113

Are Disengaged; I Hope You Will Give Me The Pleasure Of

Dining With Me. Will This Day Fortnight Suit You?'

 

"'Thank You,' Sais I,  'I Shall Have Great Pleasure.'

 

"He Railly Was A Gentlemany Man That. He Was So Good

Natured,  And Took The Joke So Well,  I Was Kinder Sorry

I Played It Off On Him. I Hante See'd No Man To England

I Affection So Much As Mr. Tact,  I Swear! I Begin To

Think,  Arter All,  It Was The Right Of _Sarchin' Vessels_

He Wanted To Talk To Me About,  Instead Of _Sarchin' Me_,

As I Suspicioned. It Don't Do Always _To Look For Motives,

Men Often Act Without Any_. The Next Time,  If He Axes

Me,  I'll Talk Plain,  And Jist Tell Him What I _Do_ Think;

But Still,  If He Reads That Riddle Right,  He May Larn A

Good Deal,  Too,  From The Story Of "The Gander Pulling,"

Mayn't He?"

 

 

 

Volume 2 Chapter 5 (The Black Stole) Pg 114

The Foregoing Sketch Exhibits A Personal Trait In Mr.

Slick's Character,  The Present A National One. In The

Interview,  Whether Real Or Fanciful,  That He Alleges To

Have Had With One Of The Secretaries Of State,  He Was

Not Disposed To Give A Direct Reply,  Because His Habitual

Caution Led Him To Suspect That An Attempt Was Made To

Draw Him Out On A Particular Topic Without His Being Made

Aware Of