The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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A Note From A Mister Pen, Saying The Right Honourable
Mr. Tact Would Be Glad, If It Was Convenient, If I Would
Call Down To His Office, To Downin' Street, To-Day, At
Four O'clock. Thinks Says I To Myself, 'What's To Pay
Now? Is It The Boundary Line, Or Creole Case, Or Colonial
Trade, Or The Burnin' Of The Caroline, Or Right O' Sarch?
Or What National Subject Is On The Carpet To-Day?
Howsundever,' Sais I, 'Let The Charge Be What It Will,
Slugs, Rifle-Bullets, Or Powder, Go I Must, That's A
Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 108Fact.' So I Tips Him A Shot Right Off; Here's The Draft,
Sir; It's In Reg'lar State Lingo.
"Sir,
"I Have The High Honour To Acknowledge The Receipt Of
Your Letter Of This Present First Of June Instant And
Note Its Contents. The Conference (Subject Unknown),
Proffered By The Right Honourable Mr. Tact, I Accede
To Hereby Protesting And Resarving All Rights Of
Conformation And Reniggin' Of Our Extraordinary
Embassador, Now Absent From London, At The Great
Agricultural Meetin'. I Would Suggest, Next Time, It
Would Better Convene To Business, To Insart Subject
Of Discussion, To Prevent Being Taken At A Short.
"I Have To Assure You Of The High Consideration Of
Your Most Obedient Servant To Command.
"The Hon. Sam Slick,
"Attache".
"Well, When The Time Comes, I Rigs Up, Puts On The Legation
Coat, Calls A Cab, And Downs To Downing Street, And Looks
As Dignified As I Cleverly Knew How.
"When I Enters The Outer Door, I Sees A Man In An Arm-Chair
In The Entry, And He Looked Like A Buster, I Tell You,
Jist Ready To Blow Up With The Steam Of All The Secrets
He Had In His Byler.
"'Can I See Mr. Tact?' Sais I.
"'Tell You Directly,' Sais He, Jist Short Like; For
Englishmen Are Kinder Costive Of Words; They Don't Use
More Nor Will Do, At No Time; And He Rings A Bell. This
Brings In His Second In Command; And Sais He, 'Pray Walk
In Here, If You Please, Sir,' And He Led Me Into A Little
Plain, Stage-Coach-House Lookin' Room, With Nothin' But
A Table And Two Or Three Chairs In It; And Says He, 'Who
Shall I Say, Sir?'
"'The Honourable Mr. Slick,' Sais I, 'Attache Of The
American Legation To The Court Of Saint Jimses' Victoria.'
"Off He Sot; And There I Waited And Waited For Ever So
Long, But He Didn't Come Back. Well, I Walked To The
Winder And Looked Out, But There Was Nothin' To See There;
And Then I Turned And Looked At A Great Big Map On The
Wall, And There Was Nothin' I Didn't Know There; And Then
I Took Out My Pen-Knife To Whittle, But My Nails Was All
Whittled Off Already, Except One, And That Was Made Into
A Pen, And I Didn't Like To Spile That; And As There
Wasn't Any Thing I Could Get Hold Of, I Jist Slivered A
Great Big Bit Off The Leg Of The Chair, And Began To Make
A Toothpick Of It. And When I Had Got That Finished, I
Begins To Get Tired; For Nothin' Makes Me So Peskilly
Oneasy As To Be Kept Waitin'; For If A Clockmaker Don't
Know The Valy Of Time, Who The Plague Does?
"So Jist To Pass It Away, I Began To Hum 'Jim Brown.'
Did You Ever Hear It, Squire? It's A'most A Beautiful
Air, As Most All Them Nigger Songs Are. I'll Make You A
Varse, That Will Suit A Despisable Colonist Exactly.
"I Went Up To London, The Capital Of The Nation,
To See Lord Stanley, And Get A Sitivation.
Says He To Me, 'Sam Slick, What Can You Do?'
Says I, 'Lord Stanley, Jist As Much As You.
Liberate The Rebels, And 'Mancipate The Niggers.
Hurror For Our Side, And Damn Thimble-Riggers.
"Airth And Seas! If You Was To Sing That 'Ere Song There,
How It Would Make 'Em Stare; Wouldn't It? Such Words As
Them Was Never Heerd In That Patronage Office, I Guess;
And Yet Folks Must Have Often Thort It Too; That's A
Fact.
"I Was A Hummin' The Rael 'Jim Brown,' And Got As Far
As:
Play Upon The Banjo, Play Upon The Fiddle,
Walk About The Town, And Abuse Old Biddle,
When I Stopped Right In The Middle Of It, For It Kinder
Sorter Struck It Me Warn't Dignified To Be A Singin' Of
Nigger-Catches That Way. So Says I To Myself, 'This Ain't
Respectful To Our Great Nation To Keep A High Functionary
A Waitin' Arter This Fashion, Is It? Guess I'd Better
Assart The Honour Of Our Republic By Goin' Away; And Let
Him See That It Warn't Me That Was His Lackey Last Year.'
"Well, Jist As I Had Taken The Sleeve Of My Coat And
Given My Hat A Rub Over With It, (A Good Hat Will Carry
Off An Old Suit Of Clothes Any Time, But A New Suit Of
Clothes Will Never Carry Off An Old Hat, So I Likes To
Keep My Hat In Good Order In A General Way). Well, Jist
As I Had Done, In Walks The Porter's First Leftenant;
And Sais He, 'Mr. Tact Will See You, Sir.'
"'He Come Plaguy Near Not Seein' Of Me, Then,' Sais I;
'For I Had Jist Commenced Makin' Tracks As You Come In.
The Next Time He Sends For Me, Tell Him Not To Send Till
He Is Ready, Will You? For It's A Rule O' Mine To Tag
Arter No Man.'
"The Critter Jist Stopped Short, And Began To See Whether
Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 109That Spelt Treason Or No. He Never Heerd Freedom O' Speech
Afore, That Feller, I Guess, Unless It Was Somebody A
Jawin' Of Him, Up Hill And Down Dale; So Sais I, 'Lead
Off, My Old 'Coon, And I Will Foller You, And No Mistake,
If You Blaze The Line Well.'
"So He Led Me Up Stairs, Opened A Door, And 'Nounced Me;
And There Was Mr. Tact, Sittin' At A Large Table, All
Alone.
"'How Do You Do, Mr. Slick,' Says He. 'I Am Very Glad To
See You. Pray Be Seated.' He Really Was A Very Gentlemanlike
Man, Was Squire Tact, That's A Fact. Sorry I Kept You
Waitin' So Long,' Sais He, 'But The Turkish Ambassador
Was Here At The Time, And I Was Compelled To Wait Until
He Went. I Sent For You, Sir, A-Hem!' And He Rubbed His
Hand Acrost His Mouth, And Looked' Up At The Cornish,
And Said, 'I Sent For You, Sir, Ahem!'--(Thinks I, I See
Now. All You Will Say For Half An Hour Is Only Throw'd
Up For A Brush Fence, To Lay Down Behind To Take Aim
Through; And Arter That, The First Shot Is The One That's
Aimed At The Bird), 'To Explain To You About This African
Slave Treaty,' Said He. 'Your Government Don't Seem To
Comprehend Me In Reference To This Right Of Sarch.
Lookin' A Man In The Face, To See He Is The Right Man,
And Sarchin' His Pockets, Are Two Very Different Things.
You Take, Don't You?'
"'I'm Up To Snuff, Sir,' Sais I, 'And No Mistake.' I
Know'd Well Enough That Warn't What He Sent For Me For,
By The Way He Humm'd And Hawed When He Began.
"'Taking Up A Trunk, As Every Hotel-Keeper Does And Has
A Right To Do, And Examinin' The Name On The Brass Plate
To The Eend On't, Is One Thing; Forcin' The Lock And
Ransackin' The Contents, Is Another. One Is Precaution,
The Other Is Burglary.'
"'It Tante Burglary,' Sais I, 'Unless The Lodger Sleeps
In His Trunk. It's Only--'
"'Well,' Says He, A Colourin' Up, 'That's Technical. I
Leave These Matters To My Law Officers.'
"I Larnt That Little Matter Of Law From Brother Eldad,
The Lawyer, But I Guess I Was Wrong There. I Don't Think
I Had Ought To Have Given Him That Sly Poke; But I Didn't
Like His Talkin' That Way To Me. Whenever A Feller Tries
To Pull The Wool Over Your Eyes, It's A Sign He Don't
Think High Of Your Onderstandin'. It Isn't Complimental,
That's A Fact. 'One Is A Serious Offence, I Mean, Sais
He; 'The Other Is Not. We Don't Want To Sarch; We Only
Want To Look A Slaver In The Face, And See Whether He Is
A Free And Enlightened American Or Not. If He Is, The
_Flag Of Liberty_ Protects Him And _His Slaves_; If He
Ain't, It Don't Protect Him, Nor Them Nother.'
"Then He Did A Leadin' Article On Slavery, And A Paragraph
On Non-Intervention, And Spoke A Little Soft Sawder About
America, And Wound Up By Askin' Me If He Had Made Himself
Onderstood.
"'Plain As A Boot-Jack,' Sais I.
"When That Was Over, He Took Breath. He Sot Back On His
Chair, Put One Leg Over The Other, And Took A Fresh
Departur' Agin.
"'I Have Read Your Books, Mr. Slick,' Said He, 'And Read
'Em, Too, With Great Pleasure. You Have Been A Great
Traveller In Your Day. You've Been Round The World A'most,
Haven't You?'
"'Well,' Sais I, 'I Sharn't Say I Hante.'
"'What A Deal Of Information A Man Of Your Observation
Must Have Acquired.' (He Is A Gentlemanly Man, That You
May Depend. I Don't Know When I've See'd One So Well
Mannered.)
"'Not So Much, Sir, As You Would Suppose,' Sais I.
"'Why How So?' Sais He.
"'Why,' Sais I, 'The First Time A Man Goes Round The
World, He Is Plaguy Skeered For Fear Of Fallin' Off The
Edge; The Second Time He Gets Used To It, And Larns A
Good Deal.'
"'Fallin' Off The Edge!' Sais He; 'What An Original Idea
That Is. That's One Of Your Best. I Like Your Works For
That They Are Original. We Have Nothin' But Imitations
Now. Fallin' Off The The Edge, That's Capital. I Must
Tell Peel That; For He Is Very Fond Of That Sort Of
Thing.'
"He Was A Very Pretty Spoken Man, Was Mr. Tact; He Is
Quite The Gentleman, That's A Fact. I Love To Hear Him
Talk; He Is So Very Perlite, And Seems To Take A Likin'
To Me Parsonally."
Few Men Are So Open To Flattery As Mr. Slick; And Although
"Soft Sawder" Is One Of The Artifices He Constantly Uses
In His Intercourse With Others, He Is Often Thrown Off
Of His Guard By It Himself. How Much Easier It Is To
Discover The Weaknesses Of Others Than To See Our Own!
But To Resume The Story.
Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 110
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