The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗

class="smcap">Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore. "Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O, sir," said he, "the king is no subject." XVIII.—A CONVERT.

A notorious miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind to turn beggar."[Pg 5]

XIX.—INCREDIBLE.

Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how I came by these boots?" Many probable guesses then took place. "No!" said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will,—I bought them, and paid for them!"

XX.—ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

In a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."—"Yes, father, I must confess you allowed it; but then it was never paid."

XXI.—SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.

Dr. Pitcairn had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church, probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that gentleman of having been a warm admirer of Calvinism), and seeing the parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What makes the man greet?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him. "By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too, if you were in his place, and had as little to say."—"Come along with me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.

XXII.—A WONDERFUL WOMAN.

When a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a nervous complaint, was asked in her turn,[Pg 6] "What brought her to Buxton?"—"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess; "for, thank God, I was born before nerves came into fashion."

XXIII.—A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.

Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, "Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must borrow it." Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.

XXIV.—A WRITTEN CHARACTER.

George III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought," was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing; "it will do very well for the next horse you sell."

XXV.—WELL MATCHED.

Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor, politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"—"O, sir," said the baronet, "my expression alluded to the size of your intellect."—"And my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the size of yours."

XXVI.—A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.

A butcher of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam, the best rump I cannot sell lower than tenpence halfpenny a pound."[Pg 7]

XXVII.—THREE CAUSES.

Three gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, because he was hot. "Bring me another," says his companion, "because I am cold." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out, "Here, boy, bring me a glass, because I like it."

XXVIII.—THE CONNOISSEUR.

A person to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I am stone blind already."

XXIX.—A SYMBOL.

A satiric poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some of the saints, who are always painted with the symbols of their martyrdom."

XXX.—THE ONE THING WANTING.

In a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match; I think you want the brimstone";—she replied, "No, not the brimstone, only the spark."

XXXI.—A HORSE LAUGH.

A coachman, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that "if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice like a Christian."

XXXII.—ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours!"[Pg 8]

XXXIII.—A NOVEL COMPLAINT.

A rich man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"—"Yes," said the patient. "Do you sleep well?"—"I do."—"Then," said the physician, "I shall give you something to take away all that!"

XXXIV.—A CONJUGAL CAUTION.

Sir George Etherege, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband, who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that had the impudence!"—"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the good man; "you don't know what a man may do in a passion."

XXXV.—A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.

In a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article: "Memoirs of Charles the First,—with, a head capitally executed."

XXXVI.—MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.

A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a dispute."—"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad, and they outwitted me."

XXXVII.—PLEASANT INVITATION.

Some years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day came to see it, and says it is a copy. If any one says so again, I'll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to come, and give me your real opinion of it?"[Pg 9]

XXXVIII.—WELL-BRED HORSE.

"How does your new-purchased horse answer?" said the late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I really don't know," replied George, "for I never asked him a question."

XXXIX.—"ONE FOR HIS NOB."

A barrister entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig."—"Nothing but the head," was the answer.

XL.—SOUND AND FURY.

A lady, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? "No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable."

XLI.—COME OF AGE.

A young man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied the other; "but I can inform you that an ass is older at twenty than a man at sixty!"

XLII.—A STRIKING NOTICE.

The following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care, friend, thou mayest run thy face against my fist."

XLIII.—UP IN THE WORLD.

A fellow boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father died in an exalted situation. Some[Pg 10] of the company looking incredulous, another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as my father was sheriff for the county when his was hanged for horse-stealing."

XLIV.—REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.

When General V—— was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage, the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to your honor's honor: for sure I did not dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of tobacco."—"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of contrary."—"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean, that your honor will give me the tea, and her ladyship the tobacco."

XLV.—A DOGGED ANSWER.

Boswell, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet. "I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a dog in the town but what thinks so."

XLVI.—VISIBLE DARKNESS.

A gentleman at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a couple of decent candles to see how these others burn."

XLVII.—HIC-CUPPING.

A gentleman, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, hæc, hoc, with you."—"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a hujus glass."[Pg 11]

XLVIII.—WORDS THAT BURN.

Dr. Robertson observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes," exclaimed Burke, "oil of vitriol!"

XLIX.—PASSING THE BOTTLE.

Foote being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them would be able to stand out the evening."

L.—"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.

Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, "Will you, Sir Philip,—will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a single question?"—"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether he is Junius; but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus."

LI.—A WEAK WOMAN.

A loving husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice?"—"She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass higher than her mouth."

LII.—TOO MANY COOKS.

Elwes, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one[Pg 12] servant, your work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three, you may do it yourself."

LIII.—LOOK IN HIS FACE.

Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If that be the case," said