The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗

"Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,
I would not retain it a minute;
What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's fire,
Is sure to be instantly in it."
XCIII.—"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."

A person who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as little of a lie or an oath as any European."

XCIV.—HAND AND GLOVE.

A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that was all black; "Take off your glove, friend," said the judge to him. "Put on your spectacles, my lord," answered the dyer.

XCV.—VAST DOMAIN.

A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the world."

XCVI.—MONEY RETURNED.

A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said he, "I had it, and to such I give it again."

XCVII.—CHEESE AND DESSERT.

Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping[Pg 22] before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after cheese."

XCVIII.—VERY POINTED.

Sir John Hamilton, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was impossible to touch him anywhere without pricking one's fingers.

XCIX.—"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."

A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman began, "One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto,"—"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."

C.—COMPUTATION.

An Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it, when there were an hundred judges on the bench?—one and two ciphers."

CI.—PRIMOGENITURE.

An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian, "is it possible that this gentleman was an old man when his father was born!!"

CII.—CHECK TO THE KING.

One day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers,[Pg 23] made use of this assertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And, please your majesty, whose fault is that?" The king was struck, and remained silent.

CIII.—A FALL IN MITRES.

One of the wooden mitres, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your reverence's head."—"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab, "suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it."

CIV.—FALSE DELICACY.

A person, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel."

CV.—A BAD HARVEST.

There was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you," said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, 'the older the seed the worse the crop.'"

CVI.—PROOF IMPRESSION.

Mr. Bethel, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon the subject."—"I'm very[Pg 24] proud you think so," said the other, rubbing his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased you so much?"—"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I passed by a pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up in one of your works."

CVII.—NECK OR NOTHING.

A right reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate stiffness in his knee. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate; "'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a long time thought it immovably settled in your neck."

CVIII.—ARCADIA.

A farm was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further enhanced with this,—N.B. There is not an attorney within fifteen miles of the neighborhood.

CIX.—QUITE PERFECTION.

A painter in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in all its branches performed in the very height of acme!"

CX.—THE LATE MR. COLLINS.

Collins the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come a day after the fair.[Pg 25]

CXI.—A FAMILY PARTY.

A certain lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, "La, sir, we haven't a single bug in the house."—"No ma'am," said he, "they're all married, and have large families too."

CXII.—CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.

A stupid person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the greatest delicacies."—"Why not," replied the other, "do you think Providence intended all the good things for fools?"

CXIII.—POPPING THE QUESTION.

A girl forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the first person who has asked my opinion about the matter."

CXIV.—SCANDALOUS.

It was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's tables, that he never opened his mouth but at another man's expense.

CXV.—THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.

When Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land, and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"—"Mine will be one," replied he.

CXVI.—MODEST REQUEST.

A gentleman travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road, who begged the favor of him to put[Pg 26] his great coat, which he found very heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your coat?"—"Monsieur," answered the man with great naïveté, "I shall be in it."

CXVII.—CAP THIS.

Sir Thomas More, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he, taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my upper garment."

CXVIII.—A PRETTY METAPHOR.

A young lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town, to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."

CXIX.—ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.