Colonel Chuckles - Scorpio *** (best classic romance novels .TXT) 📗

100 Hilarious Moments with the Colonel.

 

  

 

01   Col's Onnam Thirumurivu

 

 

 

On a Saturday night after having a nice bash in the Offrs Institute, I was under my cozy Jaipuri rajai slowly being lulled to sleep by the melodious voice of Latha Mangeshkar "Dil hum hum kare” of Rudali flowing in from my MP3 player.

 

 

 Suddenly my mobile started ringing at its highest db level! I looked at the wall clock; it was 1210 to be precise! 

 

 

“To hell with it! I'm not going to get up” I thought and pushed my rajai over my head. The ring stopped after a while on its own. ”Thank God” I said to myself and tried to get into sleep mode again

 

After two minutes the damned mob rang again! This time I decided to give hell to who ever it may be! I saw the caller's name “Boss” flashing on my screen! Very reluctantly I answered, “Ohh!  Boss! You there? At this hour? Tell me what has gone wrong this time?

 

“ Hi Dude” Colonel, sometimes when in trouble addresses me ‘Dude’ as if he has landed up from US last night! “Hi you are sleeping? So sorry ok!” The vocabulary I wanted to spray at him got totally soaked in that 'sorry'.

 

I asked him “ Boss hope you are ok?”

 

“I’m perfectly Ok Dude”. The aroma of Peter Scot reaching me through my mob was really pleasant!

 

“Hi, I’m in a fix!  Sorry to bother you at this time”

 

“Can’t you cut out six and go to sleep now? We will fix the fix in the morning ok?”

 

“No Dude I need your help”

 

I had no way to go! Col is Col and he is my Boss!

 

“It is ok Boss tell me? Are you stranded somewhere or you lost your balance like few days ago? I'm coming just now, where are you?”

 

“Oh Noo Yar!  just got back from club, fighting fit! Don’t you worry “

 

“Then what on earth  troubling you at this heavenly hour ? Is your lungi missing?”

 

“No yar  my Lungi is intact!. But I'm in  a real fix. I thought I will clean up my new possession, my Fax machine. Didn’t I tell you I have a brand new one”

 

‘How am I bothered if  you have a brand new one? And what a time to clean up that stupid Fax Machine!’ I felt telling him but I didn’t. I said, “Ok go on”

 

“Hi what is the number of Jack?”

 

“Jack Mohan? Poor guy! Didn’t I tell you that he passed away about one month back? How many Peter Scot you had Boss?”

 

“Hi, No yar” Col continued “on  section 6 page 2 of the user manual here it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. I unplugged alright! Now, can you give the mob number of this idiot Jack”?

 

Col Tweets

 

"Of all the things that tax a man's patience, there's nothing to compare with a stuck zipper”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

02   Colonel remains Colonel! Always!

 

One evening we were having a cocktail session in our Officers’ Institute. Among those present were my course mates in Engg College  Wg Cdr Mohan Kumar,and Col GPV Nair.

 

After about an hour when the spirit level was climbing up the vertical scale in rapid steps Col took out a book from his pant’s pocket, held it high in the air and started yelling as loud as he could “ 7 days! 7ays! I stand a small whisky, Royal Stag Ok! for all of you here!”

 

All looked at him with appreciative eyes and the puzzle book that he was holding.  Mohan was bewildered as he is always! He said” Thank you for the drink Colonel! But what is so special about seven days except that seven days make a week?”

 

Col GPV asked him “ Why Royal Stag Yar! why not Chivas Regal? Let it be in style’”

 

“I fully endorse GPV”s view point” Mohan concurred.

 

Col replied with a triumphant glee on his face as if he had climbed   Mount Everest and holding the book still in air “ Bloody fools! They thought I wouldn’t do it! It took only seven days for me and my wife to do the entire book! The cover says 3-4 years!”  

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths 

 

 

 

 

03   Psychic problem

 

 

Col was a Major like me when we were doing JC signals in Military College of Telecommunication Engineering in Mhow.

One Sunday morning he cameto me and said ” hi u must come to Indore  with me just now’

I asked “ what is the problem? Got some cute one there?”

“ Noo yar!   Hell with those stuff! Something more serious you get ready now I will tell you once we reach there”

We went to Indore on his good old Royal Enfiled 3.5 and we were in the visiting room of one Dr Sharma, psychiatrist with in an hour.  I was trying to figure out what the hell we got to do with this man!

Dr Sharma was an old man with a grim face and bald head. I think he had fotgotten the art of smiling long time back. Without any pleasantriies he asked  me ‘’ Ok tell me what is your problem?”

I got a jerk! Do I have any psychic problem? I told him as mildly as I could “ No doc! I have no problems.” Pointing to my friend I said “I don’t think he has any too” .

Before I   could complete Col (then Major of course) blurted out “Doc! I am in serious trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. It goes like that, I’m going crazy! I just cant sleep a minute ”

“How long   you have this problem”

“ More than a month Dr” . I was taken aback. Col has never mentioned anything about this to me so far!

“Just put yourself in my hands for six months ” said the Doctor.  “Come to me once in a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?” Col couldn’t resist asking

“ Two hundred Rupees per visit.”

“I’ll think about it”. He pulled out Rs 200 from his purse and paid him and said “ see you Doc next week”

We drove back.” Hi, is it worth 200 per vist, that is 800 a month and 480 for six months?“ he asked me. I noddd in negative !

Nothing heard from Col for another week .  Next month while in Indore we banged into Dr Sharma near Yeshwant Cinema..

“Hi Major! “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” Asked the psychiatrist.

Col had a a subtle grin and told him “ “For two hundred Rupees per visit?  Forget it.   Morris, My barman cured me just for one full Bacardi”

“ Is that so! How?” Dr Sharma couldn’t believe !

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”.   Col replied nonchalantly. I was stunned!

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender

 

 

 

04 Terrible landing!

 

Col and me were traveling from Ernakulam to Trivandrum by Rajdhani Express. When the TTE came over Col asked him in his inimitable style “Good Morning mate! Could you tell me what time does this train reach Pettah ?”

 

The TTE elated by the greeting looked at him respectfully and answered  with a pleasing grin “ Sir, This won’t stop at Pettah”

 

“Ohh it sucks! I have to get off there ! my bloody car is there!”

 

Sensing the genuine predicament of Col the ever helpful TTE, one who resembled Innocent in No 20 Madras Mail, told him “Well Sir, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engine driver to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.”

 

Col looked at me suspiciously and asked “ Mate! will that work?

 

“'It's worth a try Boss. After all you lose nothing in trying “ I replied.

 

As the train approached Pettah and getting into the platform it was slowing down from 40 kmph gradually. Innocent, true to his word, pushed the hefty frame of Col in mid air and yelled 'Run faster! Faster!'.   Col somehow managed to get his feet on the platform. His shoes started to smoke! Its heel came off! But he made it! He started slowing down! The other passengers stared in amazement. I had a sigh of relief!

 

Innocent with his triumphant smile gesticulated at me whether I had a ‘bottle’ for the nice job done!

 

As the last compartment was approaching a hand grabbed Col by his shirt collar and lifted him right back into the train!

 

As he's helped back on the train the thin Mamukkoya frame of the Guard who picked him up said “ Allah! You are terrible sir ! Padachon kathu! Luckily  I saw you in time! This train doesn't stop  at Pettah. Don’t you Know Sir?”

 

Bewildered Col was furious! He shouted at the Guard “ Ullu Ka Patta”  Of course, Mamukkoya thought he said “thanks”

 

Col’s Tweet  

 

“Minds are like parachutes, they only work when they're open.Money is like a promise, easier made than kept”

 

 

 

05  Missing something is really hurting !

 

 

Col returned to his native place, near Pirappancode after his long innings in the Corps of Signals as a communication Engineer. He was given a grand welcome in Tvm and his old friends from Engg College got together and organized a function to felicitate him. After all a great soldier who toiled and shed his blood and sweat all these years to ensure that his friends and mates live peacefully in this tiny state of Kerala ( Keralam, my mistake!).

On that night, the function took off on right note getting on stronger in pitch as the measure levels of two of Baccardi bottles that Colonel himself brought (on payment of course!) got lower and lower. Welcoming the honored guest, one of his bosom friends, you can guess who, showered praises on his exploits including those in the 1971 Indo- Pak war as eloquently as he could. He did not forget to mention that Col missed a gallantry award, at least a Vir Chakra by a whisker. 

Finally Col   went to the mic and gave a very nice account of his experiences in the battlefield. He said “ you know I am from Signals, very difficult to get a gallantry award bcos we don’t directly come in contact with the Pakistanis. But I should tell you; I missed it by my misfortune though I managed to chop off the limbs of five Pakistanis in an ambush when we ran out of ammunition. My citation for Vir Chakra was actually approved by the GOC and sent to the Army HQ. I just don’t know where it got lost! You see the Army is also good at sinking files like in your PWD & KSEB. Oh! It is all in the game, you know” Every one could hear his sigh of despair through the mic.

After taking another 10 minutes of extempore interspaced with his characteristic smiles & pauses he reached out to his chair sipping the fourth large of Baccardi with soda.