Mr. Punch's Railway Book by J. A. Hammerton et al. (any book recommendations .txt) 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton et al.
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Country Cousin (to Snipper, politely). If you please—will the next train take me to Queen's Road, Bayswater?
Saturnine Official. Can't tell you till the train comes.
[Country Cousin paces the platform in moody silence, and wishes he had taken a cab. Enter train, rushing madly along.
Stentorian voice (without stops). Earl's Court North End and Hammersmith train first and second-class forward third behind!
[Pg 44][Country Cousin makes his way towards a carriage, but finds it full. Tries another with the same result, and is frantically endeavouring to open the door of a third-class compartment in which there is one vacant seat next a fat woman with a baby, when train moves on.
Indignant Official. Stand away there! Stand away, will you! (Drags back Country Cousin.) That ain't your train! What do you want a-tryin to get in there for?
[Country Cousin, in deeper humiliation, re-arranges dress, disturbed by recent struggle and resumes his agitated march.
Enter another train more madly than the first.
Stentorian voice. High Street Kensington Notting Hill Gate and Bayswater train main line train!
Country Cousin (to Haughty Official, in an agony of entreaty). Is this train for Queen's Road, Bayswater?
Haughty Official. Yes, Queen's Road. Look sharp! She'll be off in a minute.
[Country Cousin scrambles through the crowd to a carriage; drops his umbrella; stoops to pick it up and on rising finds train three parts through the tunnel. Exit Country Cousin in a rage, to get a cab, having lost twenty minutes, the price of his unused ticket, his self-respect, and that of everybody he has come in contact with in the Metropolitan District Railway Station.
[Pg 41]Gent. "Are the sandwiches fresh, my boy?"
Country Youth. "Don't know, I'm sure, sir. I've only been here a fortnight!"
[Pg 43]
Station-Master. "Now then! Look alive with they dougs! Where are you——"
Overdriven Porter. "Hoots! they've a' eaten their tuck'ts, an' dinna ken fa the're gaen tae!"
[Pg 45]Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage). "Take an accident insurance ticket, sir?"
Passenger (nervously). "Wha' for?!"
Clerk. "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong 'twixt this and London for the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"
[Old Gent forks out with alacrity.
[Pg 46]
TO MY "PUFF PUFF"Puff me away from the noise and the worry;
Puff me away from the desolate town;
Puff me—but don't be in too great a hurry;
Puff me, but don't in a tunnel break down.
Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet
Swiftly—or e'en at the pace called the snail's,
Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it
Into my nostrils—but don't leave the rails.
Puff me away, far from Parliament's houses;
For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst—
For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses;
Puff me, but mind that your boiler don't burst.
Puff me en route for care-killing Killarney,
Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride;
Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney,
Puff, puff, like blazes—but, please, don't "collide!"
[Pg 47]Customer (Time—Saturday afternoon). "I don't want all coppers in change for that shilling. Haven't you got any silver?"
Newsboy. "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s'pose, sir?"
[Pg 48]
TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMERAt first I loved thee—thou wast warm,—
The porter called thee "'ot," nay, "bilin'."
I tipped him as thy welcome form
He carried, with a grateful smile, in.
Alas! thou art a faithless friend,
Thy warmth was but dissimulation;
Thy tepid glow is at an end,
And I am nowhere near my station!
I shiver, cold in feet and hands,
It is a legal form of slaughter,
They don't warm (!) trains in other lands
With half a pint of tepid water.
I spurn thy coldness with a kick,
And pile on rugs as my protectors,
I'd send—to warm them—to Old Nick,
Thy parsimonious directors!
Different Ways of Travelling.—Man travels to expand his ideas; but woman—judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with her—travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.
"The Best of Motives."—Locomotives.
[Pg 49]
Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order, and won't work). "Shove in another penny, guv'nor. It's double fare to chaps o' your size!"
[Pg 50]
Foxhunter's Definition of a Mail-Train.—A Post and Rails.
As a Rule.—"Signal Failures"—Railway accidents.
Three Railway Gauges.—Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow Gauge, and the Lug-gage.
Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets). "'Station-master say, mum, as cats is 'dogs,' and rabbits is 'dogs,' and so's parrots; but this ere 'tortis' is a insect, so there ain't no charge for it!"
[Pg 51]
Stout Party. "What! no room! Ain't that man just got out? If people can get out, people can get in!"
The Quickest of all Express Trains.—The train of thought.
Startling Railway Accident.—A punctual train.
Keep Your Temper.—Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.
"Don't Touch me, or I'll Scream!" as the engine whistle said to the stoker.
[Pg 52]
Scene—Interior of Third-Class Smoking Compartment. First Passenger, apparently a small Suburban Tradesman, of a full and comfortable habit, seated by window. To him enters a seedy but burly Stranger, in a state of muzzy affability, with an under-suggestion of quarrelsomeness.
The Stranger (leaning forward mysteriously). Yer saw that gentleman I was a torkin' to as I got in? Did yer know 'oo he was?
First Passenger (without hauteur, but with the air of a person who sets a certain value on his conversation). Well, he didn't look much like the Archbishop of Canterbury.
The S. He's a better man than 'im! That was Brasher, the middling weight! he giv me the orfice straight about Killivan and Smifton, he did!
First P. (interested, as a lover of the Noble Art of Self Defence). Ah! did he, though?
The S. He did; I went up to him, and I sez,[Pg 54] "Excuse me," I sez, like that, I sez, "but are you an American, or a German?"
First P. (with superiority). He wouldn't like that—being taken for a German.
The S. (solemnly). Those were my very words! And he sez, "No, I'm a Yank," and then I knoo 'oo 'e was, d'ye see? and so (hazily) one word brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I was to tell you I'd seen Killivan, I should be tellin' yer a lie!
First P. Well, I won't ask you to do that.
The S. (firmly). Nor I wouldn't. But you've on'y to look at Smifton to see 'e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now, there's Sulton—'e's a good man, 'e is—'e is a good man! Look 'ow that feller knocks 'isself about! But if I was to pass my opinion, it 'ud be this—Killivan's in it for science, he ain't in it to take anything; you may take that from me!
First P. (objecting to be treated as an ing�nu). It's not the first time I've heard of it, by a long way.
The S. Ah! and it's the truth, the Bible truth (putting his hand on First P.'s knee). Now, you b'leeve what I'm a'goin' to tell yer?
[Pg 56]First P. (his dignity a little ruffled). I will—if it's anything in reason.
The S. It's this: My opinion of Killivan and Sulton's this—Sulton brought Killivan out. I'm on'y tellin' yer from 'earsay, like; but I know this myself—one lived in 'Oxton, and the other down Bermondsey way. 'E's got a nice little butcher's business there at this present moment; and 'e's a mug if 'e turns it up!
First P. (axiomatically). Every man's a mug who turns a good business up.
The S. Yer right! And (moralising) it ain't all 'oney with that sort o' people, neither, I can tell yer! I dessay, now, when all's put to the test, you're not a moneyed man—no more than I am myself?
First P. (not altogether flattered). Well—that's as may be.
The S. But I b'leeve yer to be a man o' the world, although I don't know yer.
First P. (modestly). I used to be in it at one time.
The S. (confidentially). I'm in it now. I don't get my livin' by it, though, mind yer. I'm a mechanic, I am—to a certain extent.[Pg 58] I've been in America. There's a country now—they don't over-tax like they do 'ere!
First P. (sympathetically). There you 'ave touched a point—we're taxed past all common sense. Why, this very tobacco I'm smoking now is charged——
The S. Talkin' of terbaccer, I don't mind 'aving a pipe along with yer myself.
First P. (handing his pouch with a happy mixture of cordiality and condescension). There you are, then.
The S. (afflicted by sudden compunction as he fills his pipe). I 'ope I'm not takin' a libbaty in askin yer?
First P. Liberty? rubbish! I'm not one to make distinctions where I go. I'd as soon talk to one man as I would another—you're setting your coat alight.
The S. I set fire to myself once, and I never live in 'opes of doing so agen! It's a funny thing with me, I can smoke a cigar just as well as I could a short pipe. I'm no lover of a cigar, if you understand me; but I can go into company where they are, d'ye see?
First P. (shortly). I see.
The S. (with fresh misgivings). You'll excuse me if I've taken a libbaty with yer!
First P. (with a stately air). We settled all that just now.
The S. (after a scrutiny). I tell yer what my idear of you is—that you're a Toff!
First P. (disclaiming this distinction a little uneasily). No, no—there's nothing of the toff about me!
The S. (defiantly). Well, you're a gentleman, anyway?
First P. (aphoristic, but uncomfortable). We can all of us be that, so long as we behave ourselves.
[Pg 62]The S. (much pleased by this sentiment). Right agen! give us yer 'and—if it's not takin a libbaty. I'm one of them as can't bear to take a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yer know it's a real pleasure to me to be settin' 'ere torkin' comfortably to you, without no thought of either of us fallin' out. There's some people as wouldn't feel 'appy, not without they was 'aving a row. Now you and me ain't like that!
First P. (shifting about). Quite so—quite so, of course!
The S. Not but what if it was to come to a row between us, I could take my part!
First P. (wishing there was somebody else in the compartment). I—I hope we'll keep off that.
The S. (devoutly). So do I! I 'ope we'll keep off o' that. But yer never know what may bring it on—and there it is, d'ye see! You and me might fall out without intending it. I've bin a bit of a boxer in my day. Do you doubt my word?—if so, say it to my face!
[Pg 64]First P. I've no wish to offend you, I'm sure.
The S. I never take a lie straight from any man, and there you 'ave me in a word! If you're bent on a row, you'll find me a glutton, that's all I can tell you!
First P. (giving himself up for lost). But I'm not bent on a row—qu—quite otherwise!
The S. You should ha' said so afore,
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