Mr. Punch's Railway Book by J. A. Hammerton et al. (any book recommendations .txt) 📗

Affable Old Lady (to ticket clerk—morning express just due). "No, I'm not going up this morning, but one of your penny time-tables, if you please; and can you tell me"—(Shouts from the crowd, "Now then, mum!")—"if the 10.45 stops at Dribblethorp Junction, and if Shandry's 'bus meets the trains, which it always does on market days, I know, 'cause my married sister's cousin, as is a farmer, generally goes by it. But if it don't come o' Toosday as well as Wednesday, I shall have to get out at Shuntbury and take a fly, which runs into money, you know, when you're by yourself like. If you'll be good enough to look out the trains—and change for half a sovereign, if you please. Oh no, I'm in no hurry, as I ain't a goin' till next week. Fine morn——"

[Bell rings. Position stormed.

[Pg 128]

Wonder whether accidents will be as numerous as usual during this excursion season.

Wonder if a train, conveying third-class passengers, was ever known to start without somebody or other exclaiming, "Now we're off!"

Wonder why it is that foreigners in general, and fat Germans in particular, always will persist in smoking with the windows shut.

Wonder whether anybody was ever known to bellow out the name of any station in such a manner that a stranger could succeed in understanding him.

Wonder whether it is cheaper to pay for broken bones, or for such increase of service as, in very many cases, might prevent their being broken.

Wonder how a signalman can by any means contrive to keep a cool head on his shoulders, while working as one sees him in a signal-box of glass, and the temperature of the tropics.

Wonder if upon an average there are three men in a thousand who have never been puzzled by the hieroglyphics in Bradshaw.

[Pg 130]

Wonder whether any railway guard or porter has ever been detected in the very act of virtuously declining to accept a proffered tip, on the ground that money, by the bye-laws, is forbidden to be taken by servants of the company.

Wonder how many odd coppers the boys who sell the newspapers pocket in a week by the benevolence of passengers.

Wonder what diminution there would be in the frequency of accidents, supposing directors were made purse-onally liable.

Wonder whether people take to living at Redhill because it is so redhilly accessible by railway.

Wonder if my watch is right, or slow, or fast.

Wonder if that church clock is right.

Wonder if the cabman will take eighteenpence from my house to the station.

Wonder if the porter understood what I said to him about the luggage.

[Pg 132]

Wonder if I shall see him again.

Wonder if I shall know him when I do see him again.

Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.

Wonder where I take my ticket.

Wonder in which pocket I put my gold.

Wonder where I got that bad half-crown which the clerk won't take.

Wonder if that's another that I've just put down.

Wonder where the porter is who took my luggage.

Wonder where my luggage is.

Wonder again whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab.

Wonder which is my train.

Wonder if the guard knows anything about that porter with the writing-case.

Wonder if it will be "all right" as the guard says it will be.

Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will be put into the proper van.

Wonder if I've got time to get a sandwich and a glass of sherry.

Wonder if they've got the Times of the day before yesterday, which I haven't seen.

Wonder if Punch of this week is out yet.

Wonder why they don't keep nice sandwiches and sherry.

Wonder if there's time for a cup of coffee instead.

Wonder if that's our bell for starting.

Wonder which is the carriage where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to know it again.

Wonder where the guard is to whom I gave a shilling to keep a carriage for me.

Wonder why he didn't keep it; by "it," I mean the carriage.

Wonder where they've put my luggage.

Wonder if my change is all right.

Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold.

Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling.

Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove off rapidly.

Wonder if any one objects to smoking.

Wonder that nobody does.

Wonder where I put my lights.

Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case.

Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab.

[Pg 138]

Wonder if anybody in the carriage has got any lights.

Wonder that nobody has.

Wonder when we can get some.

Wonder if there's anything in the paper.

Wonder why they don't cut it.

Wonder if I put my knife in my writing-case.

Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &c.

Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket.

Wonder where I put my ticket.

Wonder where I could have put my ticket.

Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket.

Wonder how I came to put my ticket in my right-hand waistcoat pocket.

Wonder if I can read by this lamp-light in the tunnel.

Wonder (to myself) why they don't light the carriages in a better way.

Wonder (to my fellow-passengers) that the company don't provide better lights for their carriages. Fellow-passengers say they wonder at that, too. We all wonder.

Wonder what makes the carriages wiggle-waggle about so.

Wonder if we're going off the line.

Wonder what station we stop at first.

Wonder if there will be a refreshment-room there.

Wonder (for the fifth time) whether I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it in the cab.

Wonder if I left the key of my writing-case in the lock.

Wonder what the deuce I shall do if I've lost it.

Wonder if this is Tringham or Upper Tringham.

Wonder if it's Tringham Junction.

Wonder if we change here for Stonnhurst.

Wonder if any one understands what the guard says.

Wonder if any one understands what the porter says.

Wonder where the refreshment-room is.

Wonder if I run across eight lines of rail, and over two platforms, to where I see the refreshment-room is, whether I shall ever be able to get back to my own carriage.

Wonder (while I am crossing) whether any of[Pg 144] the eight trains, on any of the eight lines, will come in suddenly.

Wonder what's the best thing to take.

Wonder whether soup's a good thing.

Wonder whether the waiter heard me ask for soup, because I've changed my mind, and will have some tea.

Wonder if the young lady at the counter knows that I've asked for tea, twice.

Wonder if those buns are stale.

Wonder if tea goes well with buns.

Wonder what does go with buns.

Wonder, having begun on buns, whether it wouldn't have been better to ask for sherry.

Wonder if this tea will ever be cool.

Wonder if that's our bell for starting.

Wonder if the young lady at the counter is deceiving me when she says I've got exactly a minute and a half.

Wonder if anybody's looking at me while I put my tea in the saucer.

Wonder if that is our bell.

Wonder if I shall have time to get back to my carriage.

Wonder how much tea and buns come to.

Wonder where I put my small change.

Wonder, having nothing under half-a-crown, if I could get off without paying.

Wonder they don't keep change ready.

Wonder as I'm recrossing the lines whether any train will come in suddenly.

Wonder which is my carriage.

Wonder (to guard familiarly) why they don't provide better lights for the carriages. Guard says, he wonders at that, too. Every one seems to wonder at that.

Wonder (to guard again) if I can get a hot-water bottle for my feet anywhere. Guard wonders they don't keep 'em.

[Pg 148]

Wonder (to guard once more) if I've time to go across the line, get my change out of the half-crown for buns and tea, and return to my carriage.

Wonder if the guard is right in saying that we shall start directly.

Wonder I forgot to ask the guard all about my luggage.

Wonder, being safely in my seat, that there are not more accidents from people crossing the rails in a large station.

Wonder why there's not a refreshment-room on either side.

Wonder why they always come for your tickets after you've made yourself comfortable.

Wonder where the dickens I put my ticket.

Wonder, supposing I can't find it, whether the man will believe I ever had one.

Wonder, on this matter being settled satisfactorily, which is the best pocket for keeping tickets in.

Wonder why they can't shut the carriage-doors without banging them.

Wonder if anybody thought of getting any lights.

Wonder if I should have had time to cross over to the refreshment-room and get the change out of my half-crown.

Wonder (to my opposite neighbour) what county we're passing through. He wonders, too. We both look out of our own side windows, and go on wondering.

Wonder if that protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger. Opposite neighbour wonders if it does.

Wonder why we're stopping; 'tisn't a station.

Wonder what's the matter.

Wonder what it is.

Wonder what it can be.

Wonder if it's dangerous to put one's head out of window.

Wonder if the engine has broken down.

Wonder if there's anything on the line.

Wonder if the express is behind us.

Wonder if that man on the line is making a danger signal.

Wonder (as we are moving again) what it was.

Wonder passengers can't have some direct means of communicating with a guard.

Wonder how long we shall be before we get to Stonnhurst.

Wonder if that's my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman