Mr. Punch's Railway Book by J. A. Hammerton et al. (any book recommendations .txt) 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton et al.
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The Fianc�. Excuse me one moment, ma'am.
(Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window.) Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself.
The Fianc�e (with a hysterical giggle). Oh, I'll take care o' my self.
[Looks at the roof of the carriage.
He (with meaning). No more pickled onions, eh?
She. What a one you are to remember things! (After a pause.) Give my love to Joe.
He. All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (they embrace loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of mingled sentiment and complacency). Oh, (to L. of F.) if you don't mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see Dick between this and Friday, just tell him as——
[Pg 110]
[Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses; final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fianc� upon the L. of F.'s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who is reclining in an easy attitude on the seat. His companion responds with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fianc�.
The F. Thankee I don't mind if I do. Here's wishing you——
[Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pass it on. The L. of F. recoils in horror.
Both Seafarers (reassuringly). It's wine, mum!
[Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-class humanity has its drawbacks.
[Pg 99]
Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus). "What's the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"
Porter. "Panic! No, this ain't no panic. These is excursionists. Their train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"
[Pg 100]
Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially since the late outrages). "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where there are ladies, or respectable people, or——"
Porter. "Oh, you're all safe this mornin', miss; you're th' only passenger in the whol' tr'ine, except another old woman."
[Pg 101]
Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party). "Aw—would you—aw—do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while we're wunning down?—I've—aw—forgotten my eyeglass. Don't mind waising your voice—I'm pwecious deaf!"
[Pg 103]
Boy. "Second-class, sir?"
Captain. "I nevah travel second-class!"
Boy. "This way third, sir!"
[Pg 104]
Chatty Passenger. "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o' mine,—lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,—give the horder to one of 'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!—'spare no expense!—with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe it!—after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at all!—but done by 'and!"—(with withering contempt)—"done by 'and, sir!!"
[Pg 105]
First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing). "I saw poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things, what will be done for 'em?" Second Shunter (at points). "Oh, the usual thing, I s'ppose—company's blessin', and a charity mangle!—--Look out, mate! She's backin'!"
[Pg 107]
Ticket Collector. "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf ticket!" Mother (down upon him). "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now, mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"
[Exit in triumph.
[Pg 108]
Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of the beadle). "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"
[Pg 109]
If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as they did—warm as muffins!
[Pg 111]
[Pg 112]
Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has just helped to alight). "I beg your pardon?"
Haughty Damsel. "I did not speak!"
Thompson. "Oh—I thought you said 'Thanks'!"
IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO! DRAMATIS PERSON� A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.Scene.—A Richmond Railway Carriage.
Time.—About 12 noon.
Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring). Hot, sir, tremendously hot.
Cool Young Party. It is warm.
C.O.G. Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the glass is 98� in the shade!
C. Y. P. Really! is that much?
C. O. G. Much, sir! Immense!
C. Y. P. Well, then, the glass is perfectly right.
C. O. G. Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by saying it is right, sir?
C. Y. P. I mean that the glass is quite right to be as much in the shade as it can in this warm weather.
[Choleric Old Gentleman collapses.
[Pg 113]
"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer, Janet."
"Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of window, I dare say nobody will come in!"
[Pg 114]
Groom. "Beg pardon, sir,—but wos your name Tomkins?" Tomkins. "Yes!" Groom. "If you please, sir, master says he wos werry sorry as he couldn't send the feeaton—but, as his young 'oss wanted exercise, he thought you wouldn't mind ridin' of 'im!"
[Tomkins bursts into a cold perspiration.
[Pg 115]Suburban Hospitality. Scene—A mile and a half to the railway station, on a bitter winter's night.
Genial Host (putting his head out of doors). Heavens! what a night! Not fit to turn a dog out! (To the parting guest.) Well, good-night, old chap. I hope you find your way to the station.
Philanthropist (to railway porter). "Then what time do you get to bed?"
Porter. "Well, I seldom what yer may call gets to bed myself, 'cause o' the night trains. But my brother, as used to work the p'ints further down the line, went to bed last Christmas after the accident, and never——"
[Train rushes in, and the parties rush off.
[Pg 116]
Hard Lines on Individuals.—The compulsory purchase of land by a railway company is insult added to injury. The buyers take a site in the seller's face.
"The Roll of the Ages."—The penny roll at railway refreshment-rooms.
Irate Passenger (as train is moving off). "Why the —— didn't you put my luggage
in as I told you—you old ——"
Porter. "E—h, man! yer baggage es na sic a fule as yersel. Ye're i' the wrang train!"
[Pg 117]
Railway Porter. "Dogs not allowed inside the carriages, sir!"
Countryman. "What not a little tooy tarrier? Wall, thee'd better tak' un oot then, young man!"
[Pg 118]
THE PORTER'S SLAM [A meeting at Manchester raised a protest against the nuisance caused by the needlessly loud "slamming" of railway carriage doors.]The porter has a patent "slam,"
Which smites one like a blow,
And everywhere that porter comes
That "slam" is sure to go.
It strikes upon the tym-pa-num
Like shock of dynamite;
By day it nearly makes you dumb—
It deafens you at night.
When startled by the patent "slam"
The pious "pas-sen-jare,"
Says something else that ends in "am"
(Or he has patience rare).
Not only does it cause a shock,
But—Manchester remarks—
"Depreciates the rolling stock,"
Well, that is rather larks!
That's not the point. The porter's slam
Conduces to insanity,
And, though as mild as Mary's lamb,
Drives men to loud profanity.
If Manchester the "slam" can stay
By raising of a stir,
All railway-travellers will say,
"Bully for Man-ches-ter!"
[Pg 119]
Tuesday, July 31, 1849.—Prevailed upon by my wife to carry her to Bath, as she said, to go see her aunt Dorothy, but I know she looked more to the pleasure of her trip than any thing else; nevertheless I do think it necessary policy to keep in with her aunt, who is an old maid and hath a pretty fortune; and to see what court and attention I pay her though I do not care 2d. about[Pg 120] her! But am mightily troubled to know whether she hath sunk her money in an annuity, which makes me somewhat uneasy at the charge of our journey, for what with fare, cab-hire, and vails to Dorothy's servants for their good word, it did cost me altogether �6 2s. 6d. To the Great Western station in a cab, by reason of our luggage; for my wife must needs take so many trunks and bandboxes, as is always the way with women: or else we might have gone there for 2s. 6d. less in an omnibus. Did take our places in the first class notwithstanding the expense, preferring both the seats and the company; and also because if any necks or limbs are broken I note it is generally in the second and third classes. So we settled, and the carriage-doors slammed to, and the bell rung, the train with a whistle off like a shot, and in the carriage with me and my wife a mighty pretty lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the air too much for her where she was sitting, and would come and take her seat between us, I know, on purpose. So fell a reading the Times, till one got in at Hanwell, who seemed to be a physician, and mighty pretty discourse with him touching the manner of treating madmen and lunatics, which is now by gentle management, and is a great improvement on the old plan of chains and the whip. Also of the foulness of London for want of fit drainage, and how it do breed cholera and typhus, as sure as rotten cheese do mites, and of the horrid folly of making a great gutter of the river. So to Swindon station, where the train do stop ten minutes for refreshment, and[Pg 124] there my wife hungry, and I too with a good appetite, notwithstanding the discourse about London filth. So we out, and to the refreshment-room with a crowd of passengers, all pushing, and jostling, and trampling on each others' toes, striving which should get served first. With much ado got a basin of soup for my wife, and for myself a veal and ham pie, and to see me looking at my watch and taking a mouthful by turns; and how I did gulp a glass of Guinness his stout! Before we had half finished, the guard rang the bell, and my wife with a start, did spill her soup over her dress, and was obliged to leave half of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the train with my meat-pie in my mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the sound of a bell,
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